Friday, January 11, 2013

Lucid Analysis: Trials in therapy – Heartbreak after the fact


It seems just shy of forever since I went to therapy. Stupid holidays. I’d actually been doing pretty okay for a bit there. Then Monday happened.

::sigh::

I’ve been chatting with Tech Boy a little more often lately. Amicable, nothing intense. Then it started happening a little more. Then he’d try to catch me on Diablo 3 to do some quests.  Then he started stopping by my office, yanno, just because [some excuse]. I knew what was coming. I could feel it. It doesn’t take my rocket science to figure that out.

So Monday night while I was trying to forget reality by killing a bunch of demons with my newly created combat Monk (which is interesting because I’m not typically a melee fighter. It’s interesting I promise) he texts me. Apparently he was in a wine mood (newp, he’s a beer guy, I’m the wine drinker, somethings wrong with this picture warning lights flashing). And then.


Tech Boy: I miss ya Haves. < ---- Not a typo.

Me: Don’t call me that (he thinks it’s funny, it’s not.) I miss ya too. We were a big part of each other’s lives for a while.

Tech Boy: That might be what I’m feeling. Just a hole missing. LoL I’m sorry. Please keep killing the undead and don’t listen to my drunken ramblings.

Me: I can manage both. I just owned Belial.

Tech Boy: Idk. It’s just been lately that the thought of getting you back has been crossing my mind… But I’m still unsure if that’s a good idea.

Me: I like having you in my life but idk if that’s a good idea either. I can’t say I haven’t thought about it but that doesn’t change why we broke up in the first place.

Tech Boy: I know. I want to say I’m a better person….


And so it went on with me trying to gently deflect without hurting him, trying to remain friendly, but not misleading…. And ending up, somehow, agreeing to dinner tonight.

And I have been an utter wreck ever since. It doesn’t help that I missed my meds this weekend so I was already feeling the depression and total mood swingyness. Tuesday night I was ruminating so much that I drove myself into a fit of tear filled insomnia. Fail. Fail hard.

Why do people do that! It makes so uncomfortable! I can feel it coming on too. All last week I could tell. I was just waiting for the freaking ball to drop. ::head desk::

When we were together I tried. I tried well past the point where I knew I should have been done. Therapist says that one of my strengths is that I do everything I can and more before letting go. Frankly though, I give and I give and I give and I give more than I really have, and by the time I can’t give anymore, I’ve been done for too long. When I finally let go, it’s beyond over for me. There’s nothing left for me to go back to and nothing left that I want. If I’m honest there really wasn’t much that I wanted there in the first place. We are just not right for each other. At the very least, he’s not right for me.

That doesn’t mean I want to hurt him more though. I know how hard it is for him to express feelings and talk about stuff like this. Opening up is like a whole new trail for him. He’s clearly still holding a torch for me, as evidenced by his telling me, and I don’t want to make it worse for him. I do still care, but I can’t lead him on and I can’t do this to him or to me. The problem is in being gentle he hears encouragement. Not saying a direct no no no, he hears maybe let’s see.

Half of therapy was spent talking myself up to doing what I needed to do, and when. Because fun thing, we have a group lunch party today for hitting a major milestone! So I had the choice of not saying anything until after lunch today and letting him believe all last night and all through seeing him at the party to make the work function less awkward OR I could not let him get his hopes up more and tell him last night making work pretty uncomfortable.

I have to say I’m impressed. 3 months after we break up and it’s the first time any of our relationship has caused a strain at work. Sigh.

So I chose last night. “I like you a lot and I don’t want to lead you on. I like the thought of having you as my friend but I don’t want to get back together. I don’t think that would be best for either of us.” He didn’t fight me on it, he took it as well as I could have expected, but he clearly wasn’t happy. I feel like an asshole, but if I had gone ahead it would have just been even harder, right? Ugh.  

I was worried that if I had gone out with him I might give in, because I tend to do that. I just, needed to not do that.

It sucks.  I’m tired.

Therapists thinks I handled my decision well. That I’m learning to handle these things from a much better frame of mind and give my own needs the priority they deserve… instead of only  worrying about what other people need.  

She thinks I’m on a good track to figure out what it is that I want for my life. I might not have it figured out completely, but I’m certainly learning what I don’t want and learning to maintain those ideas without letting them go in favor of what others want. Which is good because that inspires less anger and a whole lot less resentment from me. Progress.

I’m enjoying being single for the time being. It’s giving me time to work on strengthening, and just enjoying, my friendships. The people I let into my life are very important. Almost as important as the people I don’t allow into my life.

When the time’s right I’ll be more attuned to the kind of person I need in my life. It’s kind of funny b/c she always gets a little flustered when she says someday I’ll find Mr. or Mrs. Right. It’s funny. We talked about my sexual fluidity a bit. I do tend towards women (which isn’t reflected nearly as well as I wish it was in my NY dating history) but it really comes down to who a person is. ::sigh:: Unless I’m lonely and not expecting a relationship, then guys tend to be more convenient. But. I’m not sure I’ll ever really be able to have a completely functional relationship with a man. I don’t trust men. Sometimes I flat out get angry at them as a whole separate species. This doesn’t usually last long b/c I do know some great guys, but on some level men make me uncomfortable. I’ve had too much trauma and too much deceit, too much abuse. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it completely.  I don’t have those problems with women.

Idk. Maybe if I work on this long enough it’ll become easier for me. My guard goes up automatically around men. I know I’m good at covering this that people don’t realize it but everything they say to me is suspect. Everything.

Sometimes it’s just easier being single. I don’t want to be alone forever though. Therapist thinks I have a good chance of being able to find someone and to develop a healthy relationships without my problems inhibiting me. Because I’m working hard to heal so my issues don’t continue to be a problem.

All I need to do now is get out of my house and figure out how to meet someone I’m compatible with. Which is amusing b/c the next public venue I know I’ll be at is someplace I’ll be doing full Star Wars cosplay haha. Victorian Boba Fett style. Hey, if I meet somewhere there, I know they probably won’t be turned off by my geekery. Also, if I have to introduce you to Star Wars, we’re clearly incompatible. That much I learned from Tech Boy. J/k. Mostly.

::sigh:: All I know is I do feel relieved that I’m not going to dinner tonight.  Still feel like an ass though. 

2 comments:

  1. You did the right thing for both of you. As much as you don't deserve to put your feelings second, he doesn't deserve to be strung along. By being honest in a low(er) stress situation, emotions weren't so high as to say things unmeant or mean. And, you create a space where you really CAN have some form of connection as a friend to him if you (both) choose it. These situations are hard for everyone, with and without BPD, and you handled it well.

    Reading this made me wish my ex could was working hard on herself so she could handle situations better. (Not that this one parallels ours, but the lack of trying to make hers better ensures dysregulation in so many situations.) Can't you send some kind of motivational telegram? :)

    Happy Friday.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So I may get a lot of flak for saying this and for all I know it may be different in the US but be careful of the lesbian community. I thought men were not to be trusted until I got properly introduced to the lesbian lifestyle, emotional instability and infidelity seems to be the norm, there are more hurt feelings and drama there than anywhere else I've ever seen.
    It seems to mainly reside with the very close network of people who create the community, I know a lot of really awesome lesbians with loving relationships but they all stay away from it.

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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