Geezus I’m in a bad mood today. This week has been really good. I just want to get this all out of my system. I’ll get to my real post later.
Last Friday was my birthday. Again. I am now officially one day older than I was the day before. Good job to me for making it through another day without self-destructing.
So I had mentioned that I was thinking I might be ready to start dating again but I didn’t really know where to meet women anymore (since I don’t really do the bar/club thing anymore). I guess that’s all it takes though. A girl I met a couple years ago through Riot, contacted me. We’re FB “friends” and we’ve always done the casual comment thing, but I didn’t really know her. Apparently she’s had a crush on me for ages though and didn’t know how to approach me. Short story shorter… she asked for my number last night (last Thursday) and we talked on the phone for like 2 hours just getting to know each other.
She does live about an hour and a half away so it would be semi-long distance (not that long) but that would ensure that it doesn’t go too fast, right? And if I’m being honest I can see how it would make for some complications, but I think I’ll just take this a day at a time for now.
Anyways, as I was talking to her it struck me how much easier it is for me to open to women, or maybe just her, idk. We talked about things in that first 2 hours that I hadn’t been comfortable opening up to Tech Boy about in almost a full year of dating. It feels so much more natural and less threatening. It’s a relief. I didn’t feel like I had to intentionally hide parts of me. It was probably very helpful that she is very open about herself and wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable herself.
I feel ridiculous sometimes. I was smiling and laughing like a big goof.
We’ve been talking on the phone every night since (and this with me and my phone anxiety which is barely an issue with her!). It’s been wonderful and a little scary at the same time. I can definitely tell she’s the kind that rushes into things very quickly (which makes me balk a little), but at the same time we don’t have the means to pursue things that fast so maybe there’s some balance in that. She’s amazingly easy to talk to. Without even knowing it she’s been exceptionally comforting to me in her acceptance and admissions. She’s so open, it inspires the same openness in me. She’s also told me that one of her best friends struggles with eating disorders, self-harm, and BPD (her friend sounds more extreme than me by far)… so nothing I could reveal about myself would scare her away. It’s such a relief knowing that she understands the things I’ve dealt with. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t told her the full extent of my issues yet, but unlike with Tech Boy, I actually feel like I can when it feels appropriate. It’s so odd to feel that kind of ease. And the things we have in common! It’s astonishing.
Speaking of Tech Boy, he’s still missing me quite a lot. He texted me last night and told me that I’d been on his mind constantly for the past week. He keeps thinking about what he did wrong and doesn’t believe it’s anything we couldn’t get past. I think it would be cruel to tell him I’m talking to someone new but I also don’t want him to wait for me. I managed to convey that I appreciated him and am happy to have him in my life, but that I don’t want a relationship, and I don’t want him to put his life on hold waiting for me. I think that was as tactful a way as I could have put it. It makes me sad though. Especially since I do still miss him at times; mostly when I’m around him directly or he keeps me in conversations. But that doesn’t change anything, nor do I want it to.
This week has been going so nicely! For my birthday friends took me out to a really great dinner. Then afterwards we all went back to my place, and more friends joined us for drinks and hanging out. I’ve been so consumed with work I didn’t really plan anything, so this was all very last minute. Yet it was one of the best birthdays I can remember. I spent the whole evening nearly in tears from laughing. It’s such a platitude to say that laughter is the best medicine, but those kinds of sayings come about for a reason… because this one is so very true. Even just a couple years ago I don’t think I would ever have dreamed that I would laugh so much so often. It seems like a miracle sometimes. I still struggle with a lot, some times more than others, but none of it seems so fatal or futile as it used to. I remember how consumed in the darkness and despair I was for so many, many years, unable to contemplate that something might change for the better, wanting to end it all and give up… I’m very grateful I managed to hold on and continue through. It’s so difficult to believe things will get better when you’ve never experienced what better can be, but when it does, ::smiles::, it feels like everything else was a fog of a dream. Like you’ve been given a second chance. For me at least it’s even better though because I feel like I’ve earned it (at least at times). I’m still not sure if I deserve it, if I deserve happiness, but I feel like I’ve been able to take control of my life and steer it in a much better direction. And that’s certainly something.
<<< I wrote that two days ago >>>
I was on the phone with her for nearly two hours last night. I’m already beginning to feel suffocated and aggravated with her. She is really, really needy. She thinks she comes across as “too aggressive”, but I think she comes off as terribly insecure. She keeps throwing all of the most personal information at me in a rapid paced barrage of confession. She barely takes a breath or lets me get a word in edge wise. She cuts me off and doesn’t let me finish thoughts (which Therapist does as well and I can’t stand it). Then she brought up her Borderline friend and how exasperated she’s been with her. She said some pretty inappropriate things in regards to her struggles and I was really offended. On the one hand I wanted to stop her and flat and tell her I was recovering BPD, she was being offensive, and her friend clearly needs helps. On the other I’m not sure I want to let her know because I don’t trust how she’ll handle it. Regardless, I’m annoyed.
She was going on and on about astrology. She’s really into it. I know enough about it to know that our signs aren’t technically compatible, but I also have zero interest or respect in the belief in astrology. I seriously resent the idea that who I am is a predetermined product of some arbitrary grouping of stars. Not to mention I studied astrophysics heavily at University and have actually calculated the tidal/force influence of the constellations. I’ve actually done the physics. The doctor/nurse/whoever that births you has a greater energetic influence over you than even the sun or the moon which are millions of miles closer. Astrology is utter bullshit.
Then she kept telling me how I feel. She’d say something, call herself an asshole or whatever for “coming on to strong”, and then would make a statement like “you’re probably annoyed”, “I’m probably scaring you”, “you must think I’m a jerk”….
… Do Not. Tell Me. What I Feel. Ever. EVER!
This is probably my biggest pet peeves. First of all, in every instance she was wrong…. UNTIL she made a judgement on how I was feeling… at which point, yes I did become annoyed. I had no feelings one way or the other towards a lot of the things she was saying because it was just conversational stuff that didn’t really have much significance attached to it. But she’s known me for all of 6 days. She has zero clue how I am, or how I react to things. Especially when I’m simply being open and receptive, just listening, to everything she’s pouring into my ears.
CHILL THE FUCK OUT WOMAN! Just relax. It feels like she’s trying to fast track us on the road to deep emotional connection, instead of letting it happen naturally. I want to get to know her, but I don’t need to know EVERY SINGLE THING RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! It’s been 6 days and I feel like I know more about her deepest most private emotions and experiences than I do about xRoommate who is one of my best friends. It’s insane. She says she just wants to be up front about who she is. Fair enough. However, what it feels like is that she’s trying to inundate me with everything that could push me away, right now; so that I can make some kind of decision about her before she lets her feelings develop too far. It’s a tactic I’ve used before… setting myself up to be rejected to justify in some way that we weren’t really right for each other and I don’t have to feel so bad about myself if it doesn’t work.
Except the problem is it’s not even what she’s telling me. None of it is anything I haven’t been through myself and don’t completely understand, it’s just too much too fast.
And she needs SO MUCH attention. I didn’t text her one morning and she complained that I didn’t text her “as usual”. As usual? We’d only been talking for 4 days. We haven’t had time to develop “as usual” anything yet.
I know my feelings of suffocation aren’t just a product of my BPD either. I think this would be a little much for most people. We haven’t even gone on a first date yet! Which we are set up to do on Saturday. She’s coming to the city to meet up with me and apparently has a whole day of splendid planned out.
I was so excited about this. Until last night. And now I’m just aggravated. ::sigh:: I feel like I’ve been clubbed over the head with the most aggressive snuggle ever. Flayed with emotion.
Oh! Also, she tried to justify her appreciation of Twilight because I like Star Wars. Excuse me? I wanted to punch her brain. Where do I find these people?