I’m not sure I emphasize this point enough. I mean, the point of this blog is to talk about how the Borderline experience is what it is, and the way that it is, is different than most people experience. To bring light, understanding, and education to the whole thing. But yanno what? Sometimes our problems are pretty much just like everyone else’s.
For example, I feel like a jerk. I was honest, but gentle, with New Girl. I told her that this “relationship” wasn’t working for me. I liked her, but it wasn’t what I needed. She didn’t really say much beyond, “I liked you. Take care. Bye.” She got a little snarky with me when she said the line I was looking for was, “It’s not you, it’s me”. Not a good move. Because my reply was simply. “That is not the line. Because it’s not just me, it’s both of us. I don’t want to hurt you, but if I don’t tell you now, you’ll only be more hurt in the future and I really don’t want that.”
It was the right thing to do. I really wanted to give her a chance to be the person she thinks she is (which is why I agreed to go out with her even after her ridiculous tantrum), because that person sounded pretty neat… but let’s face it, those red flags were waving in my face since before the beginning and she was already planning vacations and a life together with me. That’s not an exaggeration.
It was the right thing to do but I still feel like a huge jerk. She was smothering, pushy, insecure, in my face, rude, offensive in ways she didn’t even realize she was being offensive, and I wanted to run screaming. Not in an overly emotional Borderline freak out kind of way. More like in a back away slowly, then quickly turn and run for safety kind of way because I can see how this is going to turn out.
I’m sure I have some guys out there that can back me up on this… but when you date a woman and she plans out your life together before your one month anniversary… that’s just, too much. For goodness sake she asked me if I’d be willing to move closer to her or if my job was keeping me in my location… before she even met me in person on our first date yet! Slow the fuck down!
Is it me? Does my crazy just attract more crazy?
I’ve been a big grump this week. I kicked a cardboard box b/c it “got in my way” this morning (never mind that I was the one that put it there). I’ve done nothing but sleep, play Path of Exile, and try to get my cats off my keyboard. Everything everyone says to me, makes me annoyed. Not in a murderous ragey kind of way. Just in a, you realize I just sat down and am halfway to putting my soup spoon into my mouth and you’re asking me to do this now?... kind of way. All I can possibly do is grin, bear it, and move on.
Taking a quick perusal of my FB feed, I notice that at least a dozen other people, all of whom I have quite certain do not have BPD, are having very similar days, and not necessarily handling it any better or worse than I am. Good for me. Bad for all of us.
This post was brought to you by the letter F and the letter G. Fucking Grumpy.
(I’ll have a real post later).