Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Personal Confliction




Sometimes I just wish I could be drunk permanently. It feels better than how I feel normally sometimes.
I’m so conflicted. I so badly want to connect and have my problems taken away. But at the same time I have no concept of turning them over to anyone else. It’s mine to deal with.

The dumbest shit… the dumbest! It's just life stuff!

We had a bad blizzard here. I was out visiting friends who got nearly 3 ft. of snow. My car was not happy with me. No accidents or anything, but just the fact that it took me 5 times longer to get home, with all the people around me driving like they’ve never seen inclement weather before, I was riding my clutch b/c traffic moved at 2 mph and people were sliding and falling off the road everywhere, it was just ridiculous. My car was not happy.

I drove it once yesterday, and then to work today. Straight from there I took it to the shop garage because I knew something was wrong with it. Turns out my clutch needs to be changed… for $1000.

About 4 hours later I got another call, my transmission is shredded. The guys at my garage are stand up guys. Called me in, took me into the garage to look at my transmission. I’m well versed in mechanical engineering and automotive issues. My transmission looked like shit. After I watched him call around and get quotes turns out… another $4000 worth of repairs. $5000 worth of damage! From zero accidents, just inclement weather driving! And the parts wouldn’t be here until maaaaaaaaaybe Friday. So I wouldn’t get my car back until Tuesday.

::Cue heart attack::

I was supposed to drive me, xRoommate and her BF to a convention this weekend. I’m getting all costumed up. A costume I’ve been working on for months. (I’m a Star Wars geek, we know this, I get really into this shit). My car is my only way to work too. To get food, to the gym. Fuck. How am I going to get around? I really just didn’t need this right now.

Talked to New Girl a bunch. She majorly freaked me out with her crazed reaction not being able to travel during the blizzard. The next day she was really remorseful and totally admitted she was over-emotional and actually reassured me quite a lot that she really wasn’t that kind of person. She told me regardless of weather or not I wanted to go out on a date with her, she still wanted to be friends, and I was someone she really wanted to get to know. No matter what. That actually reassured me a lot. She’s a really cool chick. I had almost forgotten how emotional women can be, because even the last few women I’d dated weren’t overly emotional types.

At work today I took my car in at 7:30a. By noon they called me with the original quote. They called back at 4p after they discovered the greater problem. The shop owner wanted me to come in and actually look at the problem though because it was easier to show me the severity of the problem then just describe it. Roommate Monroe was coming to pick me up a bit after 4 so I needed to get out there right away. My office mate was out, everyone I could have asked wasn’t around, so I called Tech Boy and he picked me up right away, waiting while I was in the shop, and brought me back to my office. No questions, no problems, no grief.  

Roommate Monroe picked me up. A short while later I got the official quote from the garage. I relayed it back to Tech Boy b/c he wanted me to keep him updated. He made sure I had a ride home and all that. I was freaking out about what I was going to do. Tap my retirement, take out a loan, trade in my car and hope the dealership takes over my payments…. He suggested I actually talk to my insurance company, which for some reason I hadn’t even considered. So I did. I explained the situation. They had many similar claims due to the weather. And it’s being taken care of! He totally saed my butt and my bank account.

As soon as I got home I opened a bottle of wine I was so stressed out. I had to call the bank, the dealership, manufacturer, the garage, my insurance company…. I hate talking on the phone. HATE. It makes me so anxious. Wine is the only way I could deal with it. By the time I was done I was a glass and a half in and tipsy b/c I didn’t have my car all day and couldn’t go out to get food for lunch so I had no food in my stomach.

New Girl texted me a couple times. But she’s still being cautious because she doesn’t want to pressure me and scare me off. Which is sweet because I can tell she really wants to get to know me. Tech Boy and I have been texting constantly though because he’s been helping me think through my car bullshit and I seriously miss him right now. He even shaved off his awful beard for me.

I just don’t know what I want at all. I’m so confused. I miss him. I know we don’t work, but I miss him. He’s so sweet and he just wants me to be happy. I’m so sensitive sometimes though and I don’t feel I can be completely myself with him.

I haven’t even been on a single date with New Girl yet but I feel like I’m cheating on her because I still have some feelings for Tech Boy. Especially because right now I just really want him in my bed. I miss sleeping with him. Not even just the sex, but the cuddling and falling asleep with him. There were so many problems…

… but times like this I just think maybe I want too much. But do I really? He’s so sweet. And he so obviously still cares about me. I’ve told him twice in the past couple weeks that I didn’t want to be with him and he still is okay just picking me up and helping me out without a second though or question.

Maybe it’s the alcohol talking, but I miss him a lot and I’m seriously thinking about “cheating” on New Girl… even though I haven’t been on a single date with her and she’s already freaked me the hell out and put me in tears. I’ve already felt like I wanted nothing more at all to fucking to do with her, but now I’m okay with seeing her again, and I haven’t even met her in person yet!  I feel like such a nut job sometimes. 

Tech Boy is so tempting. He’s so easy to cuddle up with. He cares about me. I just miss having someone close. It’s hard for me.

Breaking the fourth wall and all, but no one in my real life would notice or knows because I don’t vocalize or verbalize it. For all intents and purposed my friends think I’m fine. I hide it all, but I’m sad and lonely. I’m not mired in darkest depression or anything, but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be in a committed, solid, monogamous relationship either. Everyone I meet seems like they either want all of the relationship only me right now forever, or treats me like shit. I don’t know how to tell people I need to take it slow, I’m not ready to be monogamous. I don’t know how to justify to myself that it’s okay to not be sure. I always feel guilty for not being sure. It’s hard and I hate it.

It’s been a rough day. Some days I really don’t mind that I have wine. I’m sure I’ll regret it tomorrow though. I’m fighting so hard the urge to tell him to come over. I give myself very good advice, yet I very seldom follow it… because following my own advice is so bleeding hard!

Get through the night. One night.  

2 comments:

  1. Haven - I feel for you. Some of the things you say remind me of myself. My last boyfriend was the sweetest guy, and loved me so much - I tried so hard to just love him back and be happy. But.. I just didn't feel sure. (Is that partly because of BPD, I'm not sure). It doesn't stop me missing him when I'm feeling lonely, stressed or emotionally disregulated (which might be you at the moment?). It's okay to miss him. It doesn't mean you made a mistake breaking up with him. And if you decide to be with him tonight - that's okay too. You haven't met the new girl yet - so who's to even say you'll have chemistry or that you'll like her. Perhaps the best thing is to stop thinking for a bit, get a couple of good sleeps and then you'll be in a better (calmer, wise) place. Take good care xx

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  2. Ugh. Be kind to yourself. You don't owe New Girl anything -- certainly not monogamy if you've never even gone out with the chick. Do what's good for you. My only other advice is don't make any major decisions when you're drunk. Trust me on this one.

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