Friday, March 29, 2013

Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy : Definitely Getting Better

Happy Faces Everyone. I feel so much better. So, so much better. I feel really bad about posting when I feel so down. I feel like I’m letting people down somehow, or that I’m in some way I failure. I know those are faulty, negative thoughts though. It’s important that I’m honest about my feelings with myself and with you. Especially when, as predicted, they do absolutely get better. This whole week has been wonderful.

It got worse there for a bit. I tried pulling it together and went out with Tech Boy last Friday night. Or was it Saturday? Who can remember? We were going to go for Hibachi then to a movie. I had thought maybe 7:30. He wanted to come over around 6. I think someone missed me ::wink::. He brought a bottle of wine. We had a glass, watched Archer, and hung out for a while. Turns out we couldn’t go to the Hibachi place I wanted to go to because the wait was so damn long. ::frustrated, but okay, deep breath:: I knew another place. So we went there. Found parking eventually. Walked in. They’re not doing walk-in Hibachi until an hour and a half later. Starving! Fuck in. Let’s just go to the place down the street that we know. Whatever. What, there’s a 45 minute wait there too? Fine. Just fine. I’ll put down our name. Tech Boy went off to get me a glass of wine. I was so irritable, angry, and instantly sad. At one point I was trying so hard not to cry… because our restaurant didn’t work out? I ended up drinking like 5 glasses of wine that night. We chatted with the couple next to us and went to a music club with them for a little while after. By the time he got me back to my place, I was pretty vomitty. 5 glasses of wine on my frame with not so much food is way too much. I hate having him see me like that. He told me he doesn’t care, he just wants me to be okay. He took care of me, and snuggled up with me. 

The next day I mostly snuggled with my cats, read my book, and something important. Idk.

Then due to a lot of scheduling conflicts our crew was short this week so I actually got out on site and helped out on the construction floor with our technicians and worked alongside Tech Boy most of the week (as opposed to him doing work for me). It was pretty awesome. Frustrating and aggravating as hell considering all of the OTHER men not in my crew that aren’t used to me and who every single time passed me had to stare, look inquisitive, say something, turn their head, drop their jaw, or in some way make it obvious that they’ve never in their life seen a women ever holding a wrench. ::headdesk:: until I politely told them to move their ass because they were inhibiting my productivity… but other than that it was actually a ton of fun. I usually get to work on my prototypes, but field installation is for the techs and shop workers. It’s fun working with my guys. I really love the noise out there too.

Therapist notices that when I’m working as part of team, as a part of an actual team, not just an individual unit (engineer) in a group of engineers, that I feel much more connected and happier with my job, not just like I’m putting on a new personality to be paid for.  So I’ve been doing that all week, and I’ve felt incredibly productive and really appreciated. It’s been pretty wonderful.

My energy and my mood has been really, really high. It’s been great.

I’m not going to say that my meds haven’t been helping though. I’m now up from 25 mg of the Topamax to 50mg. I’ve seen no discernible side effects so far, except oddly, I can’t taste carbonation as well anymore. This makes me terribly sad (not really, but you know). One of my biggest addictions ever, ever, is to seltzer water. I LOVE carbonated water haha.

But yeah, things have been going really well. Things with Tech Boy especially have been going really well. I still can’t say he’s my one true love or anything, but I adore him. And you know what. He’s trying. I was really concerned about his inability to accept me for who I am, all my problems and my hard life… because how he’s experienced the world is so different from my experience of it. I was concerned about his need to avoid, when I’m working so hard to face my problems and fix things, to communicate and work through. And of course, his drinking. But from what I’ve seen so far, all of these things seem to be things he’s been really working on. It’s just, sweet. And I can see that he cares about me. I can definitely tell. I missed him. I’m glad he’s in my life. Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time, and for now, that’s good enough. I like where my day is.

I’m a little sad this week though. Because while I’m not going back home to see my family for Easter. Every year it’s usually one of 3 times that I go home to see them, but because I just dropped $2500.00 to have my car repaired I simply can’t afford it. Plus my brother is graduating in May and I’d rather go home for that. Super proud!  

So since I’m finally feeling better I’m going to have friends over tomorrow. It’s K’s birthday so I’m going to make Hawaiian Sweet Bread and Honey-Lavender Cupcakes. Then a bunch of us will gather at my place and we’ll probably just gather and geek out all night. We’re kind of dorks like that. Then Sunday Tech Boy said he’d come over and spend Easter with me because his family isn’t doing anything either. So that’ll be pretty awesome.

It’s funny. I feel so boring when I’m happy. No problems to get in my way or obsess over. My ankle is finally healing. It’s been almost 4 weeks since I’ve run though so I’m going to have to recondition myself. Bleh. It’s been so long since I’ve had an injury like this. I’m going to start retraining today. I’m so anxious to start running again.

Therapist really didn’t have much to talk with me about either. She doesn’t like to push me when I’m up this up. I’m not sure if that’s a good therapeutic philosophy or not, but yanno what, I don’t mind not having my mood trashed with thoughts of sadness of depression.

So yeah, that’s that. What’s been up with you? How’s this spring season treating you? 


  1. Happy for you, Haven. Themes put a song for you today.

  2. Same here. When things are good, mood is up, life is, it seems boring. And then in therapy, I'm wondering "What are we going to work on?" It's an odd place to be. So used to drama, right? BTW, I'm also on 50 mg of Topamax and have found it to be a wonderful addition to my Cymbalta and Concerta. It's supposedly for my migraines, but it actually helps with my mood stabilization too.

  3. wow, thanks for this blog... really! i got here after reading the "borderline stalkers" article, which made me a bit paranoid, along with all those articles that guarantee people with BDP are (each and everyone of them) manipulative, incapable of real emotions and among the people most likely to commit murder... it's very stressing, specially because i consider myself to be honest and once the diagnosis is "out there" people tend to tag you and confuse the diagnosis with your personality. there are so many new things for me to read here, you've done an admirable work in research an gathering information. i think i'll keep reading forever =)


Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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