Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Lucid Analysis - Trials in Therapy: The Good, The Bad, and The Anxious


Since I decided not to break up the positing of my last article on Adolescent BPD Diagnosis you get my Lucid Analysis today! 


Well I went into therapy Thursday thinking I wouldn’t have much to talk about. How many times have I said that and how many times have I been completely and utterly wrong. ::sigh::.

First off, the awesome.

xRoommate and her boyfriend are getting married. They announced their engagement. I am so utterly through the roof with happiness and excitement for them. You’d think I was the one getting married I was so happy for them. She’s just so important to me I want so much for her to be happy. I’ve known her a long time, through other boyfriends and stuff. I’ve never seen her this happy with anyone before. I’m so thrilled. We chatted a bit the day they announced, then more the next day while we were at work going over some of the fun wedding detail type plans and stuff. I was just all bouncey and giddy happy. Then later when I was at the gym her now Fiance texted me and asked me if I was available to meet up with them for dinner. Of course! I got to their place and he drove the three of us to the restaurant, me bubbling over with questions about all the stuff and details and plans. We sat down and Fiance about burst, “Okay, I can’t hold it in any longer. Will you be my Best Haven?” ::Happy shock face:: “Of course I will!!!”

If you’ve been following along with me for a while you know that me and my friends aren’t exactly conventional in pretty much anyway. They’re have a pretty big wedding with a pretty tiny wedding party. The two of them, xRoommates brother standing on her side her “Man of Honor” if you will, and me on Fiance’s side the “Best Woman”. Or as they’re calling it simply, Best Brother and Best Haven. I guess all day she’d been waiting in anticipation because we’d been talking so much, but they wanted to ask me in person and it was killing her knowing that they were going to but having to wait, haha.

It’s really amazing for me. They’re the closest thing I have to family here. My actually family being 500 miles away, a couple states over. It really means a lot to me. Therapist was concerned that I might be worried that things would change because they were getting married. But honestly no. They don’t want kids so there won’t be that kind of change. They already live together. What else is there? I realize I’m oversimplifying this and marriage is a big deal and I do have a realistic picture but I don’t see things changing much at all except a formalized commitment of their love and desire to support and keep each other happy forever. They’re really awesome together. I completely support that.  Plus I get to help with all the wedding planning and the Bachelor/Bachelorette party which is super crazy fun and I’m enjoying the crap out of that!

Therapist is really happy that I’m happy. About this anyways.

Things with Tech Boy are continuing to progress. I’m not sure how I feel about it though. Literally. I actually can’t figure out if I have feelings.

There is one feeling I have. Anxiety. He’s been progressively more and more awesome. All of those concerns I had that were the cause of our breakup he really seems to be putting in a lot of effort to fix.  I see it. I recognize it. I can’t help worrying that’s it exactly the right amount of enough, but still too late. He looks at me with those big brown eyes, the way he kisses me, the way he holds me, the way he leans up against me… I know how he feels for me. I really don’t doubt it. I’m worried he’s going to tell me though. The thought of him telling me he loves me chokes me. It suffocates me. It fills me with anxiety and I don’t know what to do and it makes me want to pull away. I don’t feel the same way. Not yet. I’m not sure I will or that I can. Not anymore. I did at one point. At least there had been points where I was getting there, but there were just so, so many times when I  go to that high and something happened and I plummeted to a place of heartbreak.  I had to be brought back up too many times and I’m just not sure if I can do that again. Don’t mistake that as me saying I’m actively trying to inhibit myself from doing it.  I just don’t currently feel myself going in that direction. I feel comfortable. I feel safe. But I don’t feel  passion or intensity. I don’t feel the kind of love that… I had in my mind as being that thing that holds my heart to someone. I did tell him from the start that I didn’t know what I wanted from him and that I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but it’s clear that isn’t where he is. It’s also becoming clear to me that I don’t know what I need.

Therapist reminds me to breathe. To stay in the moment. She’s not entirely sure I’ve ever experienced healthy love. I may have loved Friend. I loved Evil-Ex. I loved The One. But they were all abusive or complicated and unhealthy situations that weren’t good for me. I love xRoommate and her Fiance. I love Zoe and my Sister but it’s not the same as that intense, passionate romantic love.

I’ve been trying to stay in the moment with him. Trying not to worry about the future. But it’s freaking hard! I don’t want to hurt him and what if I do? I don’t want to be his first major heartbreak. That would be terrible! Therapist reminds me though that it’s not my choice to make decisions for him. I’ve actually been very upfront with my needs and he’s his own person. Relationships are an emotional risk and hearts are something each person gets to put into play, not something for the other person to choose what to do with.

The simple fact of the matter is: My heart is still a little broken. And not in a still pining for a past love kind of way. I’ve had a lot of trauma and abuse in my past. As much as I would like to be healed from it; as much as I feel I ‘should’ be healed from it; (It’s not fair to myself to use “shoulds”! healing happens when it happens!) as much as I have healed already. I am not quite there yet. It also takes me a long time to love. I am a very guarded person. I am deeply self-protective. This should surprise no one. I don’t fall in love easily. I haven’t finished my healing yet. I still have a ways to go.

Therapist helped me walk through what I might do if he were to tell me he loved me. It’s good to prepare so as not to panic and freak out/push away in the moment. Honesty is simply the best way to go. That I see everything he’s been doing, the work he’s done and the changes he’s made. How much it means it me, how much I do care, but I’m not there yet.

It’s scary.

And then there’s work. Meh. Things were going pretty awesome for quite some time. Things are shuffling a little now though. I moved buildings, got a new office-mate. She’s even less social than I am and doesn’t speak much English so there’s just not much communication in general. I feel very upheaved. I don’t like that at all. I was feeling very much a part of my team for a while which is incredible for my productivity. Now I feel isolated and kind of thrown off on my own.

Therapist has noted this about me on many, many occasions. It’s very important for me to feel a sense of connectedness to my surroundings; a sense of connectedness to the people I’m involved with. Without that sense of connection I become extremely detached, isolated, and cutoff. I need that aspect of human interaction; team interaction at work to maintain my positive, productive focus.

It’s weird. This move in particular doesn’t feel like a very big deal to me, but I guess it is? Show’s what I know sometimes. Meh.

Then there’s The Guy. Ugh. Sometimes we have to work without outside contractors. Sometimes those outside contractors are the most obnoxious people that you can possibly dread to ever work with. I never let the men in my group see me complain, but as they were all complaining about them first, I didn’t feel so bad… add a little bit of my signature Haven snark and wit my ranting fit right the hell in. This guy has been working on one of my projects for two weeks and making me absolutely miserable. We’ve gone to his bosses already. Nothing to be done there. There is one other options though…. ::holding it together:: One day at a time. I can get through this. I’ve dealt with worse.

Grrr though! I’m a rocket scientist space nerd. I just want to do my mechanical analysis and fabrication! I don’t do construction politics. I definitely don’t have the patience or people skills to babysit a 45 year old man-child that’s dead set on causing trouble, wasting time, and being a jackass just to be a jackass. Do your damn job. Get it over with. Go back to doing something you want to do. Move on. People drive me bat shit. Surprise!

People save me too though. xRoommate and Fiance. K and Twiggy. Dwarf (I usually just refer to him as one of my buddies but he’s always around and looks like he fell right out of The Hobbit movie). My friends are really important to me.

Borderline Personality Disorder is often described as a disorder of relationship. Our healing can really be broken into two different paths. Healing ourselves and Healing relationships. I can’t honestly say one is more important than the other. Relationships are an evolutionary process. Both are important. 

2 comments:

  1. Wow. Thanks for sharing so much, such BIG FEELINGS with honest, open, vulnerability. Congrats on being Best Haven! Congrats, too, on being in a healthy relationship where you're able to confront, no matter the outcome, your experiences, expectations and fears around love. I imagine that the lack of unhealthy intensity *feels* viscerally different. As you're on your path--breathing--I'm happy you are honoring where you are. These feelings, whether they remain, pass, or evolve, are important to your healing, and it is inspiring to see you courageously choose to own your truth as you respond, not react.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ever look into Satanic Ritual Abuse? I haven't read enough of your blog postings to know if you have or not. You sure seem to fit the profile. Borderlines and DID's are deliberately created - contrary to popular psychiatric opinion. Hope you will research it. Truth is stranger than fiction. Most of what we read, hear, and see on TV is fiction. Disguised as truth. They say the truth will set you free. I believe they are right. Let me know if you'd like some links to some great information on the topic. Be glad to point them out. If you haven't considered the evidence on both sides of the fence, your mind has been made up for you. Tough to argue with that one. Peace.

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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