Friday, April 26, 2013

Lucid Analysis: Trials in Therapy – Never Happening For Me

I don’t want people to be close to me. Sometimes I just don’t. But it’s not just that I don’t want it. I don’t know how to let someone. I can’t just say, Okay, come on in! Here’s the door!

Where exactly is the door? What does it even look like?

There are days I like myself. There are days I think I’m okay. Most days I just don’t think I’m a very good person. Cognitively I have a very good idea of all of these amazing things I’ve accomplished. I have multiple engineering degrees in some of the hardest fields I could have attempted. I volunteer because I enjoy it. I donate to charity because I think it’s a worthy thing to do. I take care of myself. I’m completely self-sufficient. I think I’m doing some helpful stuff here with my blog… I just, don’t know…. Something deep down in my psyche just doesn’t want to let go of the idea that I’m damaged. Can’t. I don’t know how.

Therapist wonders if it’s because my best friends are going through these great changes in their lives. I’ll be honest. I got a little pissed off at this. Yeah Zoe and xRoommate found their special someone’s to spend the rest of their lives with, but my issues don’t diminish my happiness for them at all. I can in fact separate my own issues from my shear and utter happiness for them. In fact it’s kind of amazing because when I think about them I can be happy and separate from my own bullshit for a while. It’s like she’s completely missed the fact that I’ve felt like this my entire bleeding life. This is not a new issue. I have literally felt like this for as long as I can remember. Since I was very, very small.

I kind of love even more that they have someone and something so big going on. Especially that they want me involved. It makes me feel loved. I think they know that too. I love, love, love that I can be involved. That I can help. That I can be useful. That I can be part of their memories in a way that they’ll love and appreciate.

That’s what friends are for. I love that I can be that kind of friend.

Now if only I could figure out how to be that kind of girlfriend. I just, don’t get it. I don’t see it for myself. I can’t wrap my mind around it. I don’t see something that good or that permanent happening to me. Therapist got onto a Body Dysmorphic thing but it’s not just that. For me it goes back to when I was little I’m sure. Just not feeling good enough. Not believing I was good enough. Not believing that how I feel is right or appropriate or okay. Not believing that my best is the best it can be. I internalized those things so hard. So incredibly hard. I can’t get rid of them. It’s that Failure Schema and aversion to intimacy.   

I like being able to take care of other people, but I don’t know how to let people close enough to take care of me. I think it’s why I’m able to be such a good friend, but I screw up so hard at relationships.

And this thing with Tech Boy just is not working for me. Not at all. I’m getting more and more frustrated. He’s starting to notice too. Finally.

Two Major Problems.

One. While he’s definitely trying to change and be better it doesn’t change the fact that he’s so incredibly inexperienced in relationships. He’s great if things are already fine and easy, but if I need any kind of support for even the most mundane of issues I’m completely on my own. For example: I’m frustrated, underappreciated, and understimulated at work. His idea of “support” is to “leave it at work”.  I tried telling him that this didn’t really work for me and that I was really looking for something a bit more supportive and sympathetic than that, but all he gave me after that was… well I tried. Not really.

Two. I’m bored. Really, really bored. We have nothing in common. I think he has a more interesting relationship with his truck that he’s building than he does with me.  We have nothing to talk about. He doesn’t challenge me. He doesn’t inspire me. He isn’t passionate about anything. Except maybe building that truck. Me? I’m completely the opposite. I am moved by SO many things. I’m an equal rights activist. An artist. I craft. I sew. I cook. Bake. Paint. Exercise. Costume. Throw parties. Participate in movements. All kinds of crazy things. I need to be passionate and inspired. He brings me down and just sort of drains me of my energy. It’s sad.

Even if he is a fantastic snuggler. So there’s a bonus. But that’s just not enough.     

::sigh:: He’s a good guy. I know this is not a case of splitting. I don’t think he’s evil or bad or anything like that. I’m just honest to goodness not satisfied with the direction of this relationship. I’m not in love with him. I don’t see myself being in love with him. I’m starting to hyper focus on all the little things that bother the crap out of me. Like when he brushes his teeth and then kisses me except his mustache is still wet and it makes my face all wet too. Grr. I just, Grr. Grr. Stop. Dry your face first. That used to not bother me even a little bit. It used to be cute. Now it aggravates the piss out of me. It’s all of those types of things.  
I know he cares about me. He is nice to me. And that does matter. It does. But it’s not necessarily enough. That’s a great foundation for a friendship but relationships need more.

And frankly I think I’m a little too complicated for him. He is a very straight forward, easy going guy that’s never had to deal with something more complicated than freezing his housemates silverware in a fruit punch bowl overnight as a practical joke in college. Or say, raising enough money to fund next week’s kegger. Those are his life’s struggles.  . I feel terrible. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to break his heart. But I don’t want to be unhappy either.

Successful relationships need to be supportive and complimentary on all levels; emotionally, physically and mentally.  Every single detail doesn’t have to be perfect. Hell, it never will be. That’s what friends are for. You have friends that you can share a specific interest with here, another interest with there… but in general your life partner should have a good spread. We just don’t. I think I need someone a little more worldly. A little more mature.  A little closer to my own level. He’s not.

Or I can stay single and surround myself with my friendships which I know I’m good at. I’m starting to get really frustrated, which is starting to make me angry. It’s time for me to figure out how to take care of this. Yet, I feel anxious about ending it at the same time. Voicing the need to end it is like a fist in my gut.

Meh. I guess I’ve just been a little down this week. At least I’m back on my proper medication. Yeesh.

My tattoo artist wants to do a Victorian/Steampunk photoshoot this weekend. That’s cool. I’m kind of self-conscious right now. Fuck it. My muscle tone is looking pretty great though. That’s all I have planned for this weekend. That and making a dress. I found a really amazing dress on-line that I fell in love with. I didn’t really like the cut, but I LOVED the fabric. It was super expensive though. So I tracked down the fabric. Bought a few yards for $30 and now I’m going to make a more flattering dress for $30. I’m so thankful that I’m a talented seamstress. I really want to have it done for next weekend.

I’m flying back to see my family, and possibly Zoe. My brother is graduating from our alma mater with his M.B.A. (Yay Brother!)  I’m really stoked to see everyone. Especially my sister. I haven’t seen them in ages. I didn’t get to go home for Easter because of the couple of grand I had to drop on fixing my car so it’ll be nice to see everyone. I definitely get a bit homesick when I’ve been gone for too long. It’s hard only seeing my family a few times a year. I need a family re-charge.

I don’t know. I’m all out of sorts right now. I need a retreat. 


  1. Hope you have a good time with your family, remember all things are accomplished one step at a time.

  2. Two things that come to mind... (of course, I only know you from this blog)

    1) What do your cats think of you? Do you feel better when you look in their eyes?

    2) Are you comfortable having "friends with benefits" relationships? Or... taking care of *that* yourself?

    1. My cats love me. They follow me around constantly and monopolize my lap whenever I sit down =)Always by my side. I loves them so much. Actually most animals love me instantly. I'm really really good with animals. They calm me down a lot.

      I'm honestly not sure how I feel about a "Friends with benefits" relationship. In the past this would not have been a problem at all. Right now I think this is not what I need and would not be good for me. Plus, when I start out with friends with benefits, it never tends to stay that way for some reason, either on my part or on theirs. It gets muddy quickly. Haha, as far as taking care of myself ;) Yeah that's not a problem. I'm fine with all that.

  3. Sounds like the typical differentiation phase of a relationship. Some couples make it past this, some don't.

  4. ...or stagnation stage...

    1. Our whole relationship has been one big stagnation stage.

  5. Hi Haven. I'm a guy in my early 30s, still living with my family (due to a number of different issues and various personal setbacks) and I was sitting here and feeling like shit because the anxiety and depression is killing me. You ask why (or let's pretend you did)? Because my mom very likely has borderline personality. In fact, the way I found your blog was by trying to find a summary of that book, by Dr Lawson, Understanding the Borderline Mother. I came across your blog and downloaded and saved your various entries that summarized sections of her book. My library does not have that book and I'm not planning to spend money on buying the book. A while back I purchased a book on dealing with narcissistic parents and that one I own. Similar basis for the two, and I should know, I have a degree in psychology. The difference, of course, is that narcissists are always narcissists. My mom constantly changes, it's fucking frustrating. In fact, in a weird way, what I've tried to do is to be consistent myself, but it's not a happy consistency, I feel forced to be this way. Like I have a pained expression on my face most of the time, that's my consistency. My own boundaries got fucked up before so this is sort of my way of trying to maintain my boundaries, to make sure no violations occur. It comes at a high cost though. I can not be myself. I can not relax at all. I was traumatized a few years ago when my sister was hospitalized for schizophrenia. And of course, when she was out, and then mom had decided to take over her care, cause she always feels like shit and like she is totally useless and so honestly at first I felt good cause I thought, selfishly enough, that I won't have to worry about her bothering me. She had a new toy, a puppy, so to speak, in my newly released sister. But things got worse and after a couple more hospitalizations, my sister decided to move out. But I totally stopped everything, lost all my hope, hope for regaining the old sister, the old mom (actually, mom was always the same, I had just created a different image in my mind) that loved me.

    Akh, I don't feel like writing more, it's depressing the heck out of me, can't be good for others either. Anyhow, I'm sort of stuck in a teenager developmental stage myself, no date, no work, no school, nothing. Every time I feel the excitement, I keep fearing things, I worry about her, I feel enraged at her, I worry about sister, I feel full of anger at my dad who for the longest time seemed oblivious to the whole thing and would tell me about how to manage mom as if she was some nutjob of a neighbor and as if I could do so in a clinical manner, like as if I had a healthy okay mom somewhere else. So pissed at him. Pissed at myself too, my stupid poetry-writing oversensitive psyche.

    Anyhow, sorry for all this bullshit, delete it if you like, just wanted to say I'm happy to have found your blog. It seems you're intimately familiar with borderline personality, so I don't know how my angry complaints come across, but I'm not a bad person (though I play one in real life sometimes).


Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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