Wednesday, May 8, 2013

How to get through a breakup when you have BPD

I alluded to having discovered The Secret to getting over an ex and getting through a break up. Well it’s not really that easy, but there are a few things that help. In all honesty it’s going to be different for everyone and it’s never going to be "easy". However there are some things that I’ve found work better than others. 

1.      STOP ALL CONTACT. I’m NOT KIDDING. If you keep talking to them, you keep that flame alive. I don’t care if you ended the relationship saying you would be friends. That’s totally cool. The simple fact of the matter is you need time to get over your ex. It’s no longer your job to take care of your ex. You need to take care of you first. Right now that means soothing your own wounds and taking care of your own emotional wounds.

If you told your Ex that you would be friends let them know that you do intend to honor that but for now you need time to heal on your own. Don’t let them pressure you into contact before you are ready.  

They probably need their space too. You need to respect this. This is something that many of us often have problems with. Boundaries. We need to remember them. Leave them alone if they ask you to keep your distance. 

2.      Delete their contact information. E-mail. Facebook information. Phone Number. All of it. You broke up. It’s done. Just take away the temptation. If there’s an actual emergency ask a mutual friend to contact them. Otherwise you don’t need to get in touch with them.

Trust me. There will be temptations. There will be nights of panic, utter anxiety, extreme loneliness, maybe a little drinking, times when the fingers wander over the texting screen…. You will absolutely regret this in the morning. You’ll be embarrassed, feel humiliated, and ashamed by time the sun comes up. Think about this. You don’t want that.

3.      You need your friends. Call them instead. Selectively. Don’t abuse the ears of your loved ones with your pity party though. In the times when it does get bad though, and you do feel like you’re going to make a really bad or embarrassing decision… instead of calling the Ex, call a friend, call a sibling, call a support hot line, hell, come hop on our Forum over here. In times of trouble you need to know you have a support network.

Beyond that… even if you’re not actively weeping over your ex it’s important to have friends. Having a strong support network. Having good friends, knowing you’re not alone, just knowing that you have someone there when you need them, even knowing you have someone there just because… is important, for everyone, just not for those of us with BPD.  It’s important to surround yourself with people you care about. To remind yourself that you’re loved, cared for. Keep yourself busy. Keep yourself involved in positive, life affirming activities.

When you are down, and/or afraid that you might engage in self-harming or impulsive decisions, or need a stronger support to keep yourself in a more stable frame of mind due to the loss that you are suffering from… do not reach for your Ex. They are now a part of your past. Lean on your current, your present, support network. Lean on your friends, your family, your forum.

4.      Self-care is irreplaceable. You will love again. Take time to love yourself right now. Practice positive self-talk and positive self-affirmations. Be kind to yourself.

5.      Take a few days to wallow. Yeah I said it. Don’t try to suck it up and be tough. You’re allowed to experience whatever feelings it is you’re going to feel. Do yourself and your friends a favor though. Do some of it on your own. Having a girl’s/guys night to watch sappy movies and drink wine, especially if they offer, because that’s what friends are for, or if you’re having a particularly hard night – totally cool… but try not to do it every night. It’s okay to be a little selfish and indulge yourself as you work through the initial stages of grief.

You Are Grieving A Loss! It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to let it all out.

After a few days… start getting back to your regular schedule. Put a reasonable limit on the wallowing. Don’t let it take over.

6.      Maybe get a cat. Or a puppy. Or a ferret. Maybe a rat. Pour some love into the pets you have. Adopt a little furballs in need of love. They need you. You’d be surprised how therapeutic animals are if you don’t have any. This is a lifetime investment though. Don’t think of it as a temporary measure. And don’t do it if you’re not willing to take care of something for the long haul.

It’s super silly, but NOT AT ALL. I love my cat. I never had a cat before I rescued mine. I great up with giant dogs. My dad was allergic to cats. I rescued mine from some guys with golf clubs when I was in college. He was this tiny starving little stray that was about to get beaten. I rushed out of my apartment, scooped him up, and now it’s 7 years later and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Relationships have come and gone… my cat has always been there for me. Knowing that I have him to come home to, to curl up with at the end of the day… when I’m frustrated or upset, he’s soothing and snuggly. He makes everything better.

7.      Remove Memory Triggers. Take down the pictures. Wash your pillow cases that smell like him. Toss out that t-shirt of his you like to wear around. These things will only remind you of your Ex every single time you look at the damn thing. You really don’t want that. You know it. You don’t necessarily have to throw out every single expensive piece of jewelry, but put it away. Don’t put it where you can see it all the time.

8.      Keep Busy! Stay Active. Don’t sit in your room with only your thoughts for company. You know you’ve done it. We tend to mire ourselves in the darkness of our own deep dark depressing minds closed off from the rest of the world. You know who that’s going to help? No one. Get the hell out of there. Grab a friend. Grab yourself. Get a hobby. Just get out and go do something.

9.      Write down the things you are grateful for that you do have in your life. That have nothing to do with your Ex. This is to remind you that there are still good things out there for you.

10.  Get back out there. Move on. Date. See that there are other people out there for you. This helps a ton. Don’t do it too quickly though. That can actually make it worse. When you’ve had some time to recover put yourself out there.

For those of you going the “we can be friends” route” with your Ex.

Don’t even bother trying this until you have moved on. Don’t. This is a recipe for a slow burn… a.k.a.. getting back together eventually when you really didn’t want to.  Maybe not right away, but eventually or by accident one drunken night. And that won’t really be good for either of you and will destroy any progress either of you has made toward emotional healing. If you’re serious about being friends do yourself a favor and don’t try to rush it for the sake of rushing it.

Hope these thoughts help a little bit and bring things into perspective. What things help you? 


  1. Excellent points for anyone going through a breakup. Easier said than done. We all know "when the heart breaks it don't break even."

  2. I've been following some of your recent posts about this person. Just curious how many times have you broken up and got back together with him? What made you want to give this relationship another try? and do you think he's someone you will see again in the future? Very personal questions and I understand if you don't want to answer them. Get well.

    1. We've only broken up once and gotten back together once. We were together for a year. Apart for about 5 months before we got back together. The relationship still hasn't technically ended. Still getting there. But no, he's not someone i want to see again in the future.

      He's a lovely, caring guy that I'm comfortable with, that I know cares for me, and is a constant figure in my life. He was there for me when I was having a hard time and it just sort of, happened. Our getting back together wasn't planned at all.

    2. Thanks for answering. I'm curious though if this is because of your bpd because honestly the way you've described this guy he sounds pretty great. From my observation and maybe this is not the case for you, but it seems that people with bpd are more attracted to those people who treat them rather poorly. Do you think this maybe the case for you? I read your history briefly with your evil ex and it sounds like you stayed with him longer? Just throwing this idea out there... any insight would be appreciated.


  3. Thank you for posting this. I am going through it currently, and trying to stay strong and stay gone. He has a tendency to want me back after a week or so. I am so down-in-the-dumps and sleeping all day *sigh* My friends don't like him and never have, so even though the relationship is over, they still don't want to hear about it. So I really have no outlet and don't want to seem like a whiner. What am I to do? In the past I have made myself go out and meet others, but I don't think I'm ready. I mean I am, but I don't want to put someone in a rebound-type situation.

    Anyway, again thanks for posting.

  4. Haven, I see you are still out here educating the world and I like it. Keep fighting the good fight dear. By the looks of it, there are so many that need to have it. I have been going through some things of my own, but I wanted to simply say hey.

  5. Thank you for posting this at this timely moment.

    Im also going through a 'break up' with afriend. Ive got about 10 days into it now & Ive stopped the endless crying & an mostly just numb. Ive been keeping busy with my home, children, work, allotment, reading.... That has helped a lot, when I have the energy.

    He told me he had deleted me from Skype but I logged in at work this morning & there he was. I didnt speak & I cant quite bring myself to delete him but Ive hidden him for now. My immediate reaction was tearfulness but it has quickly rolled over into a medium intensity dissociation. Not great at work but better than sitting here crying I suppose.

    The no contact thing is so so hard but I know that it has to be this way. I miss him so bad.

  6. I would add that this is all after you've actually told the other person it's over, and had some kind of talk. Wouldn't you agree? Seems an important step, one that sometimes doesn't happen (people just stop calling) and then seem surprised when the other person wants to know what's going on. I would've liked there to be something about HOW to break up with someone. It's hard, but it's respectful.

  7. While some of this is good advice, some is pretty extreme. Is this all really always necessary for every breakup?

    1. If it wasn't a very emotionally involved relationship, or one that didn't last very long, then no it's definitely not necessary for every break up.

      I would say it's only necessary if it was a very emotional, very intimate, very turbulent push-pull relationship.

  8. I've read your article and, in theory, I agree with everything you say. But practice is always way more difficult.
    What happens when the grief simply doesn't end? What if you seem to have recovered, but in fact....
    I had the worst breakup of my life 2 years ago, with the guy I knew was the one. It took me a long time, but I found someone else. The perfect man for me. Gentle, kind, loving and any other quality every girl could ever dream of in a man. And yet, I still grieve for HIM... I dream of him, I imagine cancelling my engagement and running off with him, I love him now as much as I ever have. Finding out he has a new girlfriend, the first one he's had during these past 2 years, has left me completely empty, devastated and lifeless, although me and my boyfriend have a happy and functional relationship.
    So how do you get through this? What do you do when getting through that breakup hasn't been as efficient as you initially thought?

    1. Sometimes two years is not enough. It took me four yeara a couple of times to get over someone. Reasoning with yourself my help. Seeing that for example his feet smelled instead of focusing how good he was or how amazing it was to be togheter. Becouse it wasnt. Our mind play trick on us sometimes and we remeber only good things. If that doesnt help time will. There will be a moment when you may feel just a sentiment but no love, grief or pain that you expierince now as nothing in life last forever

  9. You sounded like a normal person and you are able to experienced all the feeling and emotions like the rest of us, non BPD.
    I am actually dying to know about your own personal love and break up story.
    How and why did you selected him among others?
    How was the relationship? Was it always about you and never about him?
    Did you even love and care about him at all? Or was he just like a tool that you used to serve your needs; as pillow to cry on, a trash can to upload all your negative feeling onto, your own personal shrink to give you advice, encouragement, and suggestion whenever you need it, etc.?
    Did you blow hot and cold all the time on him? Why?
    Did you even aware that he was a human being that have needs and it was your responsibility to tend to his needs as he did to yours?
    What did you expect from him and the relationship you were in? How did you expect him to behave when you were on one of your bpd spells?
    Do you realize that you were hurting, torture and torment him throughout the relationship?
    Do you know that even after the relationship ended he is still suffering, more than you can imagine?
    How did the relationship end?
    Did you get bored of him?
    Did you toss him aside like a yesterday newspaper?
    Did he break up with you coz he just couldn't take it anymore and instead of deciding to be a better person for him and fight for the relationship, you just gave up on it, blame the break up on him for being not understanding about your condition and tell your self: "oh well, it was a bad relationship anyway..." and then move on?
    Are you able to feel guilty at all?
    Do you actually have any intention of going into relationship with another man and putting another innocent human being into a misery like you did to your ex?

    1. Wow, it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind about what my last relationship was like and the kind of person I am without having read anything else I’ve written at all. Thanks.

      He picked me. We worked together. When I’m in a relationship I tend to cater to the person I’m dating completely above and beyond whatever I need, completely suppressing my own needs, which can lead to resentment if I forget to speak up. I managed not to do this though because I’ve been in therapy for a long while and have learned to communicate effectively.

      I cared about him a great deal, though it never developed into love. I never let him see the negative aspects of my personality. That’s something I avoided at all costs if possible. He also wasn’t really the type of person I could confide in or go to for advice. I tended to be the one providing the encouragement more than the one needing encouragement.

      I always worked to take care of him, much more so than he did for me. This is typically the pattern in all of my relationships. This is actually one of the reasons we broke up. He was pretty severely negligent of me when he’d drink too much, which was very frequently.

      As far as I could tell I wasn’t hurting, torturing, or tormenting him throughout the relationship. I was in therapy the whole time and our relationship was actually fairly healthy. We had some bumps, but most relationships do. However, he did hurt me.

      I did get quite bored. We didn’t have much in common. I would never toss anyone aside like a newspaper. That’s just mean spirited. I broke up with him in the end, because of some very unfortunate circumstances and his inability to communicate and constructively work on the issues that were coming up between us. I did want to attempt to fix the problems we were having but he preferred to simply avoid them until they went away. This was not effective for healing or how I’ve learned is necessary for living a constructive, non-destructive life. I needed someone that was more mature.

      I always feel guilty, even when I don’t have anything to feel guilty for. I hate seeing people I care about feel bad or sad.

      We’re actually still friends now, months after our relationship and still talk regularly. He’s a decent guy.

      He was never miserable in our relationship. It wasn’t a bad relationship. Our relationship just wasn’t “the one”.

  10. Hi Haven, I am Sophie.
    I am truly sorry for being a bit harsh on you. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years 2 months ago and totally devastated.

    He was a broken man when I met him. He had a big family problem, just got dumped by his girlfriend and hated his job. Actually, he told me that he hates his life and everybody around him. On top of that, he has a very low self esteem because he dropped out from college 7 years ago and now he is stuck doing the job that he hates (he can't find a better job with his high school diploma only).

    I was a happy, laid back, carefree girl. He was very moody, grumpy most of the time, very introvert and depressed. He also toyed with the idea of suicide but never really braved enough to do the deed. He said that his life is so dark and the world has nothing good to offer him. I was his only candle in his life.

    I loved this guy to bits despite his moodiness. I knew something was wrong from the beginning but couldn't pin point what was it. Not only he was very moody, he was emotionally unavailable most of the time, blowing hot and cold and very distant. Yet he kept professing his undying love to me and expressed his desire to marry me and can be very passionate sometimes. I took a well good care of him, told him what a great guy he is and how much I love him.

    After 1 year, he started to get worse. He blamed me for everything and shut me out completely whenever he was in one of his dark moods. He refused to see me for weeks, gave me a cold shoulder whenever we spoke on the phone and stopped caring about me all together. Still I persevered and endured his behavior silently. Then he started to have angry outbursts on me, yelling, calling me names, and rudely criticized me to no end; telling me that I am too skinny (I am a size 8/38), my hair doesn't look nice, my glasses make me look old and that I started to have wrinkles and fine lines (I am 29 y.o).

    I finally couldn't take it anymore and I broke up with him. I didn't want to break up with him. I did it out of frustration. The strangest thing is he became very happy after the break up. All of his dark moods has miraculously been cured. He is now super friendly with everybody (we work together in the same company), laughing, talking and joking merrily. He wouldn't speak to me or even acknowledge my presence. It's like I am dead to him and those 2 years means nothing to him. Meanwhile, I am totally heart broken and very depressed. I have lost an amount of weight due to lack of sleep and eat. I still love him and miss him like crazy. He told his friend that he has closed that chapter of his life and has deleted my name from his memory. He also said that this break up has put him in the right path and that he is a happier person now. Was he telling the truth? How can he be so callous like that? Doesn't he has a heart? I don't deserve to be treated like this. I don't understand what went wrong ( I know he is not seeing other woman) and I desperately need closure.

    1. He's just a blatant narcissist. I had a damn near identicle relationship- when he came back into my life after two years, I made sure to take it slow, having analyzed how something so magical could go so wrong. In that reunited month not only did he reiterate his undying love for me and desire to spend a married life together- but the next day got drunk and raped me then dragged me around by my neck calling me a parasite and choking me out claiming "I am going to kill you, you are going to die". Apparently the court considers that disorderly conduct, needless to say by having a dark mooded person in my life my whole perception of life love social interactions sex my worth and image are all fucked up, and I have a horrible case of ptsd. People tap me on the opposite shoulder they are standing by and I immediately gasp and drop to the ground. My heart doesn't stop racing for at least 30minutes and I occasionally sit in my car for hours afraid that he will drive down my street and is watching me and my family. Long story short: a dark mooded person needs professional help. Unless you are a professional you do not have the skills tools or knowledge to comfort or aid this person in any way. Only they can stop hurting and hating the world. So avoid them like crazy and love yourself to bits instead. Quit making excuses for people like that. And no he's not all of a sudden a happy go lucky son of a bitch now that you're broken up, if he was he wouldn't deny your existence. Its a prideful self absorbed pitiful tactic he's using to hide what low esteem he has now that he's a price of shit AND without a loving nurturing lady. Don't sweat it girl, act happy for him that he's happy. No, be happy that he isn't blowing up at you and isn't a Debbie downer at work now that he has his new persona. Not to mention an act like that is probably his way of reeling in the next victim he can suck of all its resources.

    2. my man of 9 yrs started doing the same nothing i did was right i had to ask him to leave my house cause he was making me so sick but he is still nasty and mean im trying not to contact him but it is killing me

  11. I am scouring the internet for some kind of relief after I destroyed or more like atom bombed another relationship but this guy really loved me. I dont even know how I did it. Maybe it was a way of scaring him off so I didn't have to change. I didn't mean to hurt him I loved him and he gave me everything. I left him in a terrible state although he actually broke up with me. The emptyness and panic and heartache I can cope with but not the guilt , the guilt and worrying about him is intolerable. I want to tell him I am sorry and i love him but hes asked me to stop contacting him. My illness is sabotaging my life and I cant seem to control it even when I think I am , im not.

  12. At least you are able to feel guilty and worry about him. My BPD ex couldn't care less whether I am dead or alive. That's what differentiate between human beings and animals. Humans have heart and are able to feel empathy, remorse, love, etc., animals don't. They prey on others and then move on. Their instinct is to look for their own survival only. If you believe that this guy really loves you then he is worth fighting for.

  13. I appreciate your time in responding and you made me feel a little better about myself I definitely feel remorse for all the messes I have made , severe guilt actually but then I seem to make the same mistakes o ver and over. It is odd that you describe your ex
    as having no remorse, typically bpd people do experience guilt and allot of it. Perhaps he has another mental illness along with bpd that has not been diagnosed. A sociopath has no regard for others feelings and feels no remorse or responsibilty for their actions. Just a thought.

  14. As far as his concern I am a very bad person coz I dumped him. I didn't want to do that. I did that out of frustration. I couldn't stand his cold and at the times rude demeanors toward me. He pushed me away so many times and I stuck on him for more than 2 years. At the end of it, I asked him if he was still interested in me and the relationship, his best answer to my question was a vague "I don't know. I'll let you know when I know the answer." Well, how was I suppose to react to that kind of answer? Was I suppose to sit around, waiting patiently for him to make the decision for me?

    Look my dear, you are not the only one who is in pain. If your ex truly loved you, I bet your ex feels like his been hit by a train right now, at least that's how I feel ever since the break up. The hurt, confusion and feeling of rejection is unbelievable. Explaining about your feeling will give him some sort of closure and will help him somehow. Sorry, but I think you owe him that much at least. I wish if my ex could be a man enough to give that to me. Plus, it will probably give you some kind of relief from your guilt. Send him an honest text message and leave the ball in his court.

    And honey, I know this will sound so naïve, but next time you find somebody who loves you, try not to follow your impulse and push him away. It's a simple law of action and reaction. There is consequence for everything. I mean, there is only so much a person could take. You push him away once too many or too hard, then you might end up losing him for good.

    From what you wrote about yourself, I think you are a remarkable person.

    1. I actually did talk to him, very openly about what I was feeling and what I was going through. I articulated quite well what I needed and what I hoped for. It was him that shut down and did not want to talk or discuss fixing things.

      Have you read the past articles I wrote about the entire detailed experience I had about this? I tried very hard with him. He didn't want to work with me on this. He preferred to avoid all conversation, not me. He wanted to avoid anything stressful, even the most mundane of life's anxieties, let alone the more difficult of my own traumas which I was never comfortable discussing with him because I knew he couldn't deal with it. We weren't compatible. It's not that difficult to understand. I cared about him. He cared about me. That doesn't mean we were meant to be together.

      We're actually still friends. We talk quite frequently. All of this happened quite a while again and it's all been worked through.

  15. Right at this very moment, I wish if I have bpd. I am in so much pain because of the break up with my bpd ex. He has moved on merrily , and here I am still hang up on him, still missing him like crazy and still crying my self out to sleep. I want him back desperately but at the same time I would rather die than being with somebody who doesn't want me anymore.

    As non bpd, I have no defense mechanism to escape this pain. I have no false self, object inconsistency, detachment, disengagement, detachment, disassociation techniques name it...,that will help me to go through this pain. I have no tools to enable me to deny this reality. I have no choice but to ride the tide and just endure this misery. This is so unfair that he can get away with a bloody murder and I have to be stuck in this suffering.

    Sorry for venting, I am so desperate, I am not even sure what am I talking about...

    1. I'm sorry that you're hurting so much. That sounds terrible. I know it will be of little consolation but often that happy face that your ex appears to have, is just a mask, in order to not let anyone see the pain that is really being hidden. He is suffering too, he's just not showing it. You don't deserve to feel like you were discarded and I wish he would have learned to treat you better so that you could have some closure. ::hugs::

  16. Haven, I can't thank you enough for your blog. I almost finish reading it entirely. It has been an eye opener for me. I wish if I had found it before the breakup though.

    I had my share of guilt in the break up. I was ignorant about bpd. I mean, I was familiar with the term bpd, and I did a half ass research about it and figured out that people with bpd fear abandonment the most. I was so smug, thinking that I could handle a relationship with a bpd based on what I read.

    I thought by keep reassuring my ex how much I love him and making sure he knows I have no intention of leaving him would be enough to keep him feeling secure in the relationship. I was wrong and I didn't even realize it.

    I didn't know that the hot/cold treatment, extreme mood swings, blames, depression that could stretch for days and his cruel/mean/rudeness was part of his bpd. I couldn't fathom for the life of me, how could someone who is so afraid of abandonment ever try to push away the one person who wants to stay with him. I mean, shouldn't he cling instead of pushing away?

    The dark moods and depression was the worst. I tried to be there for him, running errands and doing chores for him because he was so incapacitated to do them himself, keeping my mouth shut all the way. Instead of being grateful, he treated me like a pestering door to door salesman. I didn't think that it was his illness doing. All I could think about was "this guy doesn't want me anymore. He can't stand me being around him or even hearing my voice on the phone." And that's when I decided enough is enough. I felt like a rescue boat trying to rescue him from drowning in the sea. He was screaming and crying for help but at the same time refusing to take my hand. At the end of it I was like; " well, I have offered my hand and threw you a life saver, but you refused to take it. So, go ahead and drown. There is nothing I can do to help you if you refused to be helped." and I walked away. It was heart breaking to leave him like that, but I was so tired of it all.

    But then I saw him picking himself up so fast as soon as I left, leaving me feeling like I was the cause of his depression. Now he wants nothing to do with me, like I am the bad girl who never even tried to stand by him. But I thought I had done my best trying. If only I had more knowledge about bpd, maybe I could have understood and accommodated his behaviors in a better way. But now I just have to withstand the pain of being without him and over ridden by guilt of leaving him.

  17. Too all of you complaining about "I wish I could have done mote/different/less/accomodated" exc. You're forgetting that bpd is not an excuse, its a diagnosis, an explanation. And it is up to someone with bpd(myself included-) to stop denying any sort of self awareness and seek help. Obviously it is not that easy, and no one wants to admit they aren't perfect but its not like we are serial killers or rapists. It sounds like all of you invested your identity your life and love into these men (again, myself included) we need to remember that you can't save a person from drowning if we can't swim to begin with. These men have ruthlessly dodged years of patterns of negetive gloomy dark behavior, they have hurt more than just you- they have seen the consequences, but rather than desiring to be better people they just pick up and move on not giving a second thought to the consequences or effects they have on people? Stop wishing you could have done something differently. Start wishing they could have done something differently!!! Also, I realize this is easier said than done- I have been both the victim and the peep of this seemingly abusive relationships with if not completely concocted at the core from bpd- but seriously, nobody likes running in circles never believing anything nice people have to say, feeling inlove one day and crushed moments later just by a sudden change of energy in the room. Nobody likes screaming uncontrollably to the point of exhaustion, black outs, and an inability to recall events thus allowing them to make sense of the conflict that follws the initial storm, not to mention the sickening wonder if your being manipulated or not because your emotions have sucked dry any ability to remember specific things- they know there is something wrong. And when they stop trying to blame others and get help- they will mature and do that. But because of the already prideful instillation set on by society for men to be calm or angry and never admit to anything on an emotional level, they probably won't. So no more ruminating what you coulda should woulda. You know you did your part. You know you were mistreated and you know there was something wrong with them. That doesn't justify sympathy but only goes to show their ability to act like it never happened is just proof that they were not the victims of the relationship, it was a breeze to them. They probably weren't emotionally present for the majority of it anyways cause they'd go from 0-60 at the drop of a hat which will exhaust anyone, or they were too distracted by their own unhealthy thought habits to be fully mentally apart of the relationship.

  18. By the way haven, I love your blog- its pinned to my windows main screen phone. Sorry if my comments are a little harsh. Also, your dedication to therapy this blog and over all advocation are inspiring and comfort to us all. But perhaps, for those of us with bpd who have really fucked up some god given blessed relationships- you could maybe give insight how to rekindle/regrow/re-establish those broken bridges, stronger and more sturdier this time around?

    1. Thank you for your kind words.

      I'll definitely put thought into a post on how to rekindle/regrow/re-establish those broken bridges. I have to say that I've never rekindled a broken relationship and started dating them again... However, I am actually quite good friends with a number of my exes so I've had some luck there. I'll see what I can do.

  19. Oh dear, this is all making me quite angry. the description of people with bpd isn't quite accurate either.
    I have bpd it is mostly women who suffer from it, like myself. Saying that bpd people just drop you and couldn't care less is the complete opposite from how i behave....they mostly have abandonment issues so when a relationship breaks up they beg to be taken back, even if they instigated the split.
    It is the most unhealthy thing to be so scared of your partner leaving you that you stay in a damaging relationship. I can't bear him leaving me even though he clearly doesn't love me now.....I don't really love him either now. Butit's a trap as the second we split i freak out and have to be with him again, that is the most common bpd reaction.
    I came to this site to seek some help, the advice didn't seem appropriate for people with bpd and with very little insite.
    The women who are posting on here seem like they have some sort of disorder too to be fair, I feel I can say that as I identify with them and their unhealthy reactions to rejection.
    I feel guilt that im with my partner, feel like i've changed him, damaged him and am keeping him from someone much better than me. classic bpd. Yet i cna't force myself to leave him as I get suicidal. I wish he would leave me as I feel I deserve that, but now he's as mean as me he just thinks thats just us.
    the only advice for bpd sufferers is to get psychological councilling and fast, I know thats hard to make it fast but I know from experience it's needed. They may not have friends or family after pushing people away or having bad relationships but try to get a hobby, and if you go into panic mode call a anyone.
    If it's a choice between calling your ex or killing yourself just call them. get yourself out of crisis and deal with your behaviour after that.

    1. i feel the exact same way wiyh my partner of 9 yrs and he is so cruel to me

  20. I am no expert in psychology, medical and psychological jargons really confused me sometimes. I am a school teacher who had the misfortune of being entangle in a relationship with a bpd. I'd like to view a bpd as a 3 years old child with no clear boundaries of what is right and what is wrong.

    A 3 y.o child can be very selfish. They don't share and hate to take turn. They also don't know how to control and express their feeling in a way that is acceptable. They throw tantrums when they get overwhelmed. Have you ever seen a 3 y.o throwing tantrums? They throw themselves on the floor, bang their heads against a wall, kick stuff around them and do things with no regard for their own safety.

    They don't take responsibility of their own action. They shift blame by saying: "S/he started it",or "It wasn't me."

    The day they get a new toy, will be the best day of their life. The toy will be their favorite thing. They play with it, sleep with it, even using to eat or take a shower because they don't want to be part with the toy. They truly and genuinely love the toy.....for a while. Till they get another new toy that is more interesting. When they get bored of the new toy, and they don't have another newer one, they might dug up their old toy and play with it again. They can go from saying to their friend: "you are my very bestest friend in the whole wide world" to "I hate you, you are worst than a boogeyman" in a blink of an eye.

    Is that mean that they are bad creatures? No. They are not bad, they are just being who they are, a 3 y.o kids. All the bad behaviors are unintentional and they can help it.
    Am I correct?

  21. (sorry for the spelling mistakes, I was typing from my cell).

    By the way, some 3 y.o kids do scratch, bite and hit when they are angry. When they get time out for what they did, they will say sorry and promise never to do that again. And I do believe that at that very moment they meant what they said. But will they keep their promises and stop doing it? Not a chance.

    Also, they can be very manipulative. They'll eat their broccoli for chocolate pudding dessert and they will clean up their room every night for the whole month for a new action figure/Barbie doll from Santa next Christmas. Is that mean that they suddenly turn into mature and responsible kids? No, they simply being good in exchange of something they really want.

    It's very difficult to deal with this age. You spoil them, and they will turn into little brats, demanding and with no respect for you. If you are too strict, they will turn against you and refuse to come to you for a cuddle.

  22. Here's the thing.... People seem to think that it's always the person with BPD that is at fault for the break up. It's not. Sometimes of course it is. Sometimes it's both people.

    This is the rub. People don't always work out. That's the way life goes. You should be adults and try to give one another closure, but once that aspect is done, you need to respect another persons space and allow them to heal the way they need to heal. As much as one person may want the relationship to work out, if both partners are not all in, then it will not work for either of you. Some relationships just don't work and you both need to learn to heal and move on to relationships that will work for the both of you.

  23. About 6 years ago i met a man 19 years older than me, i saw him as my savvier he was just what i needed i was tired of the life that i was living and he was there for me . Not late into our relationship he had told me that he had a woman and 3 kids at home it devastated me but i did nt show it cose i though well so he s using me so i can use him as well for 1 or 2 years until i put myself back on my feet besides i had never had anyone taking care of me since i was 11years old. We both knew there was no future for us and i think i was actually ook with it just because it wasn't real . Through the years we had many problems... We abused each other in all aspects broke up many times but could never stay away for more than 2 or 3 weeks i know he loves me and i think i do to but of course i knew from the beginning that we couldn't be. I think i have hurt him more than he did me . We had once a fight in public and someone sad that i have borderline i never even heard of it until than so i checked it out and all the symptoms fit me like a glove i couldn't belive it, now i understand why i feel like it's the end of the world sometimes , i used to blame him for my tantrums and last time i had one , next day he just texted me saying he can't do it anymore and i never seen him since(5days ago) I know is not that long but i already tried to trick him to at least come and see me beg him to forgive me took a hand of painkillers so i can die but iti didn't work use drugs get drunk I'm crying all the time and i can't tell anyone about what I'm going through i know that the breakup is still fresh and that i have to give it time and most importantly that it must end but i can't stop thinking that i can't live without him... The blog helped me a bit and now i am really thinking to go in therapie i Hopei will make it ...i feel like i hurt and pushed away most of the people and family that cared about me. I am so tired

    1. I know i sound pathetic and i am but my condition was that the kids must never hear of me and if he wants to live he must not do it for me . He went home every night he'd never spend one with me except for some holidays, it was terrible

  24. My ex left me last February. It's been almost a year and I am struggling so bad. He said he'd love to be friends, but I kept pushing it. I don't know how to just be his friend, because I want to be with him more than anything. He stayed with me for almost 4 years. He dealt with me for that long. He never cheated, he was honest. Best person I have ever been with. I believe that things would have been okay, but I kept pushing and pushing and the last time I freaked out on him, I told him to just block me from everything. Of course I didn't mean that, but today, I am officially blocked from everything and he won't talk to me. All I want is to be with him and I don't know what to do without him....

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