Friday, May 31, 2013

Lucid Analysis Trials in Therapy – The End: Again

Walked in to Therapy. I’m actually feeling pretty good emotionally. I mean things could be better, but they could definitely be worse.

I’m officially done with Tech Boy. I haven’t officially ended it, but the talks have begun. The last month has just been wildly uncomfortable for me. I don’t really want him near me. I don’t like sleeping next to him. I can’t stand the smell of his cologne which I used to like on my pillow. I need to wash my sheets or change them before I can sleep in my bed again. When he goes to kiss me or make out with me all I can think about is, “Is it over yet?” I absolutely will not have sex with him unless I’m drunk. That’s just a bad sign. The thought of it makes me skin crawl. It’s repulsive. There’s just no longer an attraction there. The rosey color glasses have finally come off and there’s nothing left.

We got into a fight the other night. A few fights lately. Not even really fights. Stunted conversations via text that lead nowhere and ended abruptly. A couple of: I need support, but I don’t feel you are understanding- FINE I CLEARLY DON’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT ::throws hands in the air:: WHY SHOULD I EVEN TALK TO YOU…  The one before last where I’d flat out asked for emotional support and he was woefully inept and then threw a temper tantrum when I told him his suggestion of “leaving my stress at work” wasn’t a helpful solution, I told you about. There were others before that but that was just the final straw for me. I gave up after that. I’m done trying. Therapist has notice a pattern. Tech Boy is there when things are good and fun. When things are bad he just wants to go away and wait for things to get better, for me to take care of them on my own, and then come back when things are good and fun again.

If I even attempt to have a constructive, mindful conversation where I discuss our issues and the things that are creating problems, he cannot handle it. He takes everything personally, will not look at anything as if I have a part in it (which I do, relationships are two part and I am not without my own faults which I am fully willing to recognize and discuss), throws a temper tantrum, and walks away. He completely avoids the conversations and stops working on it. I can’t deal with that kind of bullshit.

He’s a big kid. He’s fun for my Outer Child. We play our video games. Go to concerts. Go out drinking. Indulge our bad habits. But he’s an emotional teenager. I need an Adult Relationship to encourage my Healthy Adult. I’m trying very, very hard to heal and become a healthier person. I can’t do that if the person I’m with is an emotional jackass.

Meh. We’ll go out for drinks or something. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just immature and not emotionally mature enough to deal with someone like me or handle the kinds of traumatic experiences I’ve had to deal with and am often triggered by.  I want to remain on decent terms so I want to focus on the better aspects of our relationship and the fact that we’re just not compatible, not necessarily his deficiencies. I don’t want to play the blame game. I don’t think that will help. I feel terrible because I think I’m his first love, which I was really hoping I wasn’t. I can honestly say though, he only really saw the good parts of me. He didn’t get the bad destructive aspects of me. Maybe some stress and anxiety, but nothing even out of the ordinary. I really did try. I’m not splitting him black either. He’s not a demon, just not right for me.

Meh, it doesn’t make this any easier though, because despite the fact that I don’t want to be with him, I do still care about him. Care. Not love. ::sigh:: Sooner is better.

Therapist went on a long tangent about my direction in life.  This was kind of out of the blue. She had made a statement a few weeks ago about not being able to see where I was down the line. She’s decided that I should gather some friends and open up my own restaurant/ café. Which I absolutely would love to do someday. In fact this has always been sort of my retirement plan: To own my own little café/bistro sort of thing. But why she’s so adamant about me having this now? I’m a highly successful engineer with multiple engineering degrees working on a ground breaking project that is the most advanced of it’s kind in the world. It’s not like I’m floundering for direction here. I mean yes, I do bake and cook on a gourmet level. Before I planned on engineering I was going to culinary school. Now I do it for fun. Last weekend I made Japanese Hokkaido Milk Bread from scratch, Red Wine Braised Short Ribs, and Devilled Eggs for a party I hosted for friends. Yanno, just threw it together. Cooking is a serious passion for me. And I’m very good at it. Sure I’ve fantasized about opening a restaurant and I plan menus in my head and all of that… But I’m not really ready to give up my professional career at 32 years old. It was just, odd. Interesting to think about, but odd.

Red Wine Braised Short Ribs 
Hokkaido Milk Bread
















I mentioned the angry mental conversations that turn into angry fights which turn into violent fits of rage and emotion in my mind that I blogged about the other day. Therapist says this is totally normal, especially for Borderlines and not unhealthy at all. In fact if you can take away different ways to not approach a conversation with someone, if you can work out different things not to say, then while yes you may be working yourself up emotionally, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. If you’re not actually taking it out on the other person, this is actually demonstrating a level of self-control because you’re working out your anger and frustration. You’re being connected to your anger and frustration, working through it. It is important to try and take something away from it. If it remains impotent and all you do is smash dishes and punch holes in walls, well then not so much a good thing. But if it helps you cope and deal with your anger and frustration, confront it, instead of avoiding and repressing it, then it’s not necessarily a bad thing. She was concerned that I didn’t necessarily come to internal resolutions about some of my internal arguments, but I’m not always certain you can come to resolutions if you’re having “arguments” with another person who isn’t actually present. You can however resolve to be more mindful of the things you shouldn’t say (get those angry things out ahead of time) and then have the appropriate conversation later… yanno, if you can get your partner to actually have the conversation with you =P.

This eventually lead into a discussion on sexuality and role models and how society views sexuality and the acceptance of it along with personal acceptance of sexuality. I still struggle with my sexuality a tiny bit at times. Specifically dating men. I’m more comfortable in the homosexual community then I am in the heterosexual community.  It’s like I’ll date women for a while. Forget why I stopped dating men. Give one a chance again. And remember, Oh yeah, that’s why. I don’t really struggle with my sexuality though. It is what it is. Labeling it is silly. I’m going to be attracted to whom I’m attracted to. It might be easier on my own heart and maybe there’s, if I stayed out of their yard but can you really ever know if that’s really how that’s going to work out? Meh.

Then Therapist brought up something interesting (which I’m going to research and topic about). She asked me what my plans were in terms of relationships. I don’t have one. I’ve just been hanging out with friends. I’m happy with that for now. I have a very strong, tight knit group of friend.

One of the big problems I have with Tech Boy, especially when we have problems, but even in everyday conversation (or lack-there-of), is that we don’t have real discourse. I can’t present him with an idea and have him challenge it and present me with an opposing idea. He doesn’t challenge me in any way. I need someone that can, or is at least willing to. People like xRoommate, her Fiance, K, Twiggy, my Sister, are all people with very solid senses of their own identity. When I’m with these people I don’t feel lost within myself. When I’m with Tech Boy he’s so laid back, with so little passion and conviction, I feel rather left adrift. I’m completely myself, but I also feel like he doesn’t really care about anything. Which is fine for him. But I find it boring in a relationship. Sorry I’m mixing my ideas here a bit. Relationship wise I find Tech Boys lack of passion to be very boring, and lack of challenge boring, but I also maintain my identity. I don’t feel lost but I don’t feel  challenged. With people like xRoommate, her Fiance, and my friends, they’re very passionate people with really opinions, strong view points, that we don’t always agree on, but are usually well informed and we can discuss in a respectful manner. When they have a strong sense of themselves I don’t feel sucked into them. I feel challenged, moved, engaged, and also feel like I am able to maintain my own sense of self.

Now, people like this last crazy girl I dated. She had no sense of her own self. She was very passionate about everything but with a complete lack of her own sense of self I felt myself slipping right into her. It was so odd. I didn’t even mean to, it just happened. I had to consciously recognize and physically force myself to step back.

Therapist calls this Ego Diffusion and has a lot to do with that Borderline flexible sense of self. This is something I want to research more because it’s one thing I still need to work on a lot more when it comes to relationships. I’ve noticed this pattern before but I don’t think I’ve ever quite pulled it together this way. Especially in terms of what I need to think about


recognizing a Healthy Relationship Partner.


Otherwise Therapist thinks I’m doing extraordinarily well. Especially with the Topamax/Pristiq medication combination my binging is non-existent and even my drinking is at a minimum. My exercise is down due to stress/exhaustion but I’m working on that.



Therapist said she loved me and gave me a hug.  I’ve been with Therapist for a long time. People often argue that they don’t like the idea of talking to a stranger because why would you talk to a stranger that doesn’t care about you. Like any relationship I think the therapeutic relationship is one that you have to work on. It’s an interesting connection but a special one. I’ve been with Therapist for 2.5 years now. She sees me at my most vulnerable and I’m certain she won’t just up and leave me. At this point, I am also certain that she does, in fact, care for me. Sure I don’t think she just instantly cared about me as I was a stranger, but I do think she is the kind of person that cares for people because she is a caring person. She became a therapist to help people. But now, after all this time I think she cares about me as an individual as well. Don’t get me wrong, we have those healthy professional boundaries and all that, but it’s not something cold and clinical either. I do feel cared for. It’s definitely worth putting the time and effort into developing.


Also a therapeutic relationship: walking my cat. 



3 comments:

  1. Love it! And I am looking forward to learning more about ego diffusion. Your blog is so informative and reflective of many people in my life.

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  2. The temper tantrums, walks away, stops talking and won't work on it stuff. Sounds like he feels hopeless or unsure. He sees how you react in the good fun times and wants to keep seeing that ...maybe. Are you or were you deeply invested in him so that he wants to fight your battles with you? Hummm. There are those of us who would like to know how not to be boring for our bp friends. Unbore me some time with what you know. I get respect for who I am, not being outwardly crazy too much. I wish my friend would start writing. I've encouraged her. I would want to see her blog if she had one, but I may be different in my love of personalities. Before I go, I need to ask why printouts get screwed up. I can't share anymore because the printout get jumbled after the first page. Anyways, hi from me and bye for now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AHAHHAHAHA omg. I also walk my cat in a leash Im going to have to send you a picture. She is mostly indoor and I am scared she will run away accidently ie:after another cat. The looks I get are priceless.
    Mosaic

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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