Friday, May 10, 2013

Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy: Endings are Beginnings

I’m going to do something that I don’t usually do today… and not talk about some stuff that I discussed in therapy last night. It was too personal and too rough and I just don’t feel like I can disclose all of the details. I try to tell you guys most of what I talk about (well most of what I can remember, in shortened form… because an hour -75 minutes worth of me +Therapist talking would be just a monster of a blog entry, but yanno, the highlights). I just can’t think about some of it right now. Sorry folks.


Saw Psychiatrist and Therapist yesterday. The Topamax has been nice for me. The only noticeable side effects for me have been not sensing carbonation properly in my seltzer water, a slight tingling in my fingers and toes occasionally, and lowered appetite which I’m not complaining about. My eating disorder aside… I don’t obsess about food lately. This is a new sensation for me. It’s really kind of freeing. I feel like I’m able to handle food like a normal person. Eat when my stomach starts to grumble, and then stop when I’m full. I haven’t been starving myself either. I feel like I’m actually eating like a normal person (in the sense of the whole eating when my body says so and stopping when it says so) and not obsessing and planning and binging and purging.

I’ve even been drinking a lot less.

My irritability and moods swings have been a bit better. My depression is still noticeable though. I’m definitely still down and I’ve long surpassed my usual spring dip. That usually only lasts a couple weeks. It’s been about a month and a half now. So he upped my dose to 200mg. He didn’t want to add a new medication or anything, which I was happy for. 100mg in the morning with my Pristiq and 100mg in the evening before I go to bed. We’ll see how that goes.

Then it was off to see Therapist after work.

I was tired by the time I got to see Therapist. I got to take a couple vacation days from work last week to go home to see my family. My brother graduated with his M.B.A. so I flew in for his graduation to celebrate! Yay little brother! By “little”, of course I mean younger, he’s like a foot taller than me. I’m only 5’3”. It was actually a really great weekend. Usually when I go home, especially on weekends when I get to see my ENTIRE family (aunts, uncles, cousins), it’s especially overwhelming… but there weren’t any really bad moments for me. Most of the time was really good.

My brother picked me up from the airport and we went for a big family dinner. All of the family. This is usually really overwhelming. I only see my family a few times a year. So when I come back home, inevitably, they all want to know all about every single thing that I’ve been up to. They were a bit calmer this time. I didn’t feel so bombarded. Or maybe I was just able to respond better with my continuing practice and mental practice in therapy. It’s been getting easier and easier for me to handle.  Having my brother, sister and my sister’s BF there helps too.

I’m so glad I’m older now. Growing up I didn’t have a good relationship with my siblings. They were always close I believe, but we weren’t. My sister and I bonded a long time ago. My brother and I have definitely gotten much closer too. I’m very grateful for the wisdom of age and the love of my siblings. I really like my sister’s boyfriend too. He’s kind of like a second brother. A very tall, awesomely obnoxious goofy, fun brother. Spoiler Alert: There may be a new addition to the family sometime in the near future in the way of wedding bells and I may have to buy ANOTHER maid of honor dress, haha.

I had some really good conversations that night with my aunt, uncle, and cousin on my dad’s side. My youngest cousin is 11. He’s having some problems in school with bullies. He’s kind of a shy boy that’s quicker to stand up for his friends than himself. Sounds kind of like me. They asked him to ask his cousins (you know, us) about stuff like that. My brother didn’t deal with shit like that. I’m not sure if my sister ever did. I did though. Well. People tried. I was a quiet kid. A book worm. An introvert that kept to herself. I still am often times…. On the surface. Unfortunately for people that try they quickly find out that I am also angry and explosive when pushed. I was a little hesitant to answer their question because I didn’t want to make my aunt and uncle upset at the answers I would give, but ultimately I told them the truth of what I’ve had to deal with. When kids tried pushing me, eventually if I couldn’t ignore it or walk away: I pushed back. Once a bully knows that you’re not as easy a target as they think you are, they tend to think twice about giving you such a hard time. I told him that it’s not always easy, and sometimes it’s scary, but he should be will and able to stand up for himself. He’s worth defending. No one has the right to pick on him and make him feel bad or scared. He needs to defend himself and fight back. I tried to say it as gently and supportively as possible. He’s a good kid. It was heartbreaking to hear that he’s dealing with shit like that.

I didn’t go into graphic detail with the kid there, but when he stepped out to go to the restroom I opened up more to my aunt in uncle. I’ve kicked the shit out people that have tried to take advantage of me, or my sister. I have a long tolerance for bullshit, but once you cross that line my vision goes red and it’s done.

Surprisingly, they completely agreed with me and completely supported what I told him. They said if he was being picked on they would fully support him if he got in trouble for defending himself and be there to back him up in the event that something were to happen at school.

Aside from the couple serious conversations, most of it was lighthearted and just nice family fun. The next day we woke up early to go to my brothers’ graduation ceremony and go out to a big family brunch.

There were one or two moments that were a bit awkward when one of my uncles that I don’t usually see was trying to joke with me, but was being more obnoxious than anything, and I had to remind myself that he was just trying to connect and be playful, not piss me off…so I kept a smile on my face instead of snapping at him and showing my temper.  My mother’s side of the family was always a bit more formal and never around as much. Plus with me being the black sheep rebel they never really knew how to relate to me, so I completely recognize that he’s finally trying to make that attempt and I didn’t want to spoil that. I do appreciate it even if it was completely awkward and I did try to play along. He even expressed that he was glad that I came!

Lots of family progress.

The rest of the weekend was a lot of hanging out with my sister and her boyfriend. There were a few moments when I was a little down and depressed. A few moments when my body image got in the way. I miss having them closer.  There are definitely times I want to move back. I’m so close to so many people here though. I just don’t know where I really belong.

I’m still currently with Tech Boy. I haven’t made a decision either way as to what I’m going to do. I still feel like I’m in the middle of having triggered myself after having told him about The One. I think I’m in the middle of a bit of A Push. I don't usually recognize that I'm in one. I might not even be in one. I might just be at the end of my rope here. 

I don’t think it changes things though.

I have a problem with men. I have a problem with trust. I’m not sure it will ever completely heal.

Tech Boy is comfortable. Tech Boy is safe. He is someone that I feel stable with. But he is also someone that I find myself constantly bored with. I’m not in love with him. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to spend my life with him. I think this was a healing relationship for me in many ways. It may not be completely over with yet, but I don’t think it’s something that I can keep going much longer.

He on the other hand. Is completely oblivious. He wants to become closer. He started referring to himself as my boyfriend again. Without discussing this relationship status change with me first.  We’ve barely hung out in the last few weeks. We don’t text a whole lot. Last night he said he knows I’ve been going through something and “I need my space” but sometimes he feels left out… when the last time we talked about it, I specifically told him I was coming to him because I was hoping for support and maybe a little sympathy. I flat out told him – Hey, this thing, this is what I need - support. Right here. - ::head desk:: I  don’t know how to be more clear than to spell it out.  I was texting. So there was actually spelling involved.

He doesn’t just want to just be “weekend warriors”. ::sigh:: I don’t really want to see him during the week. I told him it makes me exhausted and unable to function at work when he comes over during the week because I barely sleep. He keeps me up late and wakes me up an hour earlier than usual. I don’t really want to see much of anyone right now anyways. I’ve been working really late (extra extra hours). Going to the gym. Shower/Eat. Clean the condo. By the time I’m done I’m exhausted and I just want to curl up with my cat and do nothing. I don’t want to deal with having to entertain someone else.  

I told him when this started up that I didn’t want a relationship. That I didn’t know what I wanted from this. He needs to discuss things with me. Not make assumptions. We are clearly not on the same page.

I really think I am too emotionally complicated for someone like him. This is my burden. He doesn’t have the maturity to deal with pretty much anything that isn’t baseline “good”. This is his limitation. I’m tired and right now the longer he keeps pushing and pretending that things are okay, despite me telling him directly what I need and that they’re not okay with me, the more irritated I get.  

Therapist doesn’t think I necessarily need to break up with him right away, but she also doesn’t think I need to limit myself. Meh. I’m done. I do think she’s right that I don’t need to limit myself. Frankly I’m disillusioned with the whole idea of dating at the moment. Not disillusioned. Just disinterested. I’m sure there are good people out there. I just, don’t really care very much about getting out there and meeting anyone. I don’t know. Or maybe I do. Talk about ambivalence! It’s just so much effort. And I’m so tired.

On the plus side work has been going great. I’ve been really busy. My focus has been great. I’m been incredibly productive. Every now and again Therapist goes off on a tangent about me getting a new kind of job, branching out, volunteering… something on the side… It’s always like costuming, working in a theaters group… something like that. I hate it. Holy crap woman lay off and give me a break. I live a super high stress life, the last thing I need is a theater company deadline. Taking a hobby that I do on occasion and putting it into a semi-professional environment turns it into something stressful. It would eat up my entire weekends and take away any time I had to relax and see my friends. Just the thought of it makes me cringe and I can feel the anxiety start to rise. I just wish she would stop. I know she wants me to get out and meet people, but she keeps trying to push this same idea that stresses me out even more. 


  1. Something that might be useful to keep in mind is that feelings and daily struggles don't generally last as long with non's, so it can be hard to understand what to do when. Are you sure you're really spelling things out?

  2. A counter-proposal for your Therapist: SF Conventions. You will go to one "new" small/midsize convention that has a good costuming program track & meet people. Or a con that has a crap costuming program track & meet people who like other SF stuff you like...who will be in awe of your costuming skills.

    I'm only throwing out the concept on the off-chance it hasn't been explored already. If it has--forget I said anything. :)

    Glad family time was good!

  3. It's great that you were upfront with "Tech Boy" when you started seeing each other again. You let him know that you didn't know what you wanted from him. Now a few months on, I believe you do know what you want. And that is, that you don't want to be with him. You have been honest with yourself in saying that:

    - he is someone that you find myself constantly bored with;
    - you're not in love with him, and you probably never will be;
    - you don’t want to lose him, but you don’t want to spend my life with him;
    - you think this was a healing relationship for you, but you don’t think it’s something that you can keep going much longer.

    Don't you think it's time to be upfront with him again as you were previously? The reason why he wants to get closer, as you already know, is because he is oblivious to the things you stated. And oblivious he shall remain until you decide to communicate your true feelings and opinions. He's not a mind-reader, no one is. At this point, it wouldn't really be fair to keep stringing him along for your own sake (one could interpret that as being self absorbed and selfish, but I try not to judge) , as that is what you're doing, in all honesty. I feel that it is wrong to dictate/control a person's fate in this manner. Rather, share your thoughts with him and let him decide his own fate for himself. This would be the humane thing to do. This man deserves honesty and respect.. Treat others as you wish to be treated :)

    I wish you well.

  4. I can see how this could be tricky for Haven to determine what is really humane for him. Being borderline myself, I can relate to push/pull cycles and it isn't a voluntary reaction. On one hand,(and I may be making assumptions purely by my own experience with it) she may not want to end something prematurely if there is a chance that she will pull again, or not end it when she may truly not be happy. For bpd's (at least myself), we can find any reason to push someone away, and it takes deep looking to see what that real reason is, and what it may or may not be attached to. It is much more complex than some people can understand, or even we can understand often times, for that matter. BPD is a disorder of relationships, they are hard anyway, so throw that in the mix and it can often times feel impossible. Also, Tech-Boy's getting closer may have more to do with the fact that he feels her pulling away, and people have the natural instinct to try to hang on tighter to things they are losing, which can suffocate a borderline who is already in angst. This is all just another perspective to consider. Sometimes though, like I've said on here before, some people just aren't right for us and we aren't getting what we need from it. Being borderline can make it that much harder to know though (especially when there are conflicting parts of self involved). I say kudos to Haven for taking some time to try to figure it all out. It's grueling for sure.


Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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