Today I want to talk about a phenomena that I’ve been catching myself at a lot lately. I make myself angry. A lot. I create scenarios in my mind. I play them out. Create dialogue. Create conversations with people. These conversations inevitably turn into arguments. Fights. I begin to argue with myself. Work myself up into a rage. Not just a rage. A pure boiling, seething, seeing red rage-tastic cauldron of emotion where I’m ready to tear down walls and can bring myself to tears.
Not out loud mind you. This usually all takes place in my mind where no one else can hear it or even knows it’s going on. I’ll pick fights with strangers. I’ll pick fights with loved ones. My exes. My currents significant other. Whomever. Sometimes it starts off as a way to work out a strategy or a way to work my way through something, a fear or a situation, but then it takes on a life of its own… .and I get legitimately, actually, really, truly ANGRY!
It’s been out of control lately.
It’s bad. Because sometimes this will happen and then it translates to being actually angry at that person. This part right here: Is not fair. I try very hard to catch myself at this so I don’t project this unfair anger at that person. I can’t say this hasn’t slipped on the rare occasion, and I’m sure it was wildly confusing when it did happen (though typically for me I remove myself from people altogether when I'm in these kinds of moods. I prefer no one see me like this)
. Though possibly a helpful explanation for a Loved One wondering why we were angry at them for no reason.
It’s especially hard when I’m having an actual fight and the fight continues in my head, even after the actual exchange of words has ceased happening.
I notice this happens more and more when there’s a breakdown of communication happening. If I can’t talk to the actual person that I need to I get frustrated. I need to talk so I do. If there not available to talk in person, I talk in my mind. Usually it wouldn’t be a bad idea to think about what you want to say in a conversation ahead of time to get your thoughts straight, but my emotions intertwine with the scenario and take over until they run away with it all.
I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. Hear me out.
Sure your first impulse will be to say these run away scenarios are bad. Of course anything that creates such destructive emotions would be bad. But! If you can imagine the worst case scenario and how you would handle it, or the resulting outcome you can also prepare for it, and see if that’s something you’d be able to live with. Without actually having to experience it. Without actually having to put someone else through that pain. It can help you figure out a better way to handle it before you actually get to that point. So maybe there’s a silver lining there.
I won’t lie. These mental meanderings of mine can get pretty viscous. Wrath is definitely my deadly sin. I’ve learning to keep that shit in check though and channel all of that constructively though. I’ve never actually had one of them play out the way they go down in my mind. After calming down the mental maelstrom and taking a big ::deep breath:: maybe with a healthy glass of wine they don’t play out that way.
They are wildly distracting though. And the source of some major mood swings. These aren’t anything new. Just more prominent currently.
Does anyone else do this?