Friday, August 23, 2013

Experience Hurts but Experience Helps

I haven’t been posting my Therapy sessions lately because honestly they’ve been relatively boring. Not much has been going on because my life has been pretty rad. This past week however has been an extremely stressful, extremely shitty week for me. Stressor upon stressor upon stressor for me. Thanks to the tips and techniques I’ve learned over the years I’m handling things just fine though. I’m stressed out, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. One thing at a time. Tomorrow is a new day. There are even bright spots and nothing is all that dire. Yay me! Seriously, I don’t even feel the need for a glass of wine. Talk about progress.


One thing I do still notice is that I have a tendency towards impulsive, er, comforts. You know, sex. With the exception of the obvious man-child I used to live with I’m friends with or on good terms with most of my Exes. I was having a lot of car problems this week and Tech Boy has been helping me out. We’ve been handling the just-friends thing pretty well since I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore in the capacity that we had been. It can be tough though because I do have to admit, when I’m stressed out and feeling very vulnerable there is this very uncharacteristic damsel in distress aspect that wants to come out and take comfort in him. I know there are still feelings for him there. I recognize that. It doesn’t mean we’re right for each other though. That’s the mature reasoning.

 I was doing just fine keeping those thoughts to myself. Especially as I have a new special someone that I’m incredibly excited about and I don’t want to do anything that will screw that up. Until he had a bad evening himself. At first we were just chatting via text. I was trying to ease his unhappiness. He’s like me when things go wrong and is very hard on himself. Much more so than he needs to be. Just normal conversational stuff… until he asked if he could come over: at 11:30p.m. on a work night. Here’s where I have a really warped problem. I wanted so badly to make him feel better; to take care of him; he’s helped me out a few time with my car this week so I had an odd sense of obligation; I missed him; it would be comforting; I was lonely; it would be a really bad idea; I don’t want to lead him on; I’m interested in someone else… and that last one is what I held onto… but he got really pushy and I started feeling really guilty, really guilty that he was feeling so bad. I’m not sure why I felt guilty that he felt bad. It wasn’t my fault that he was having a bad day. I had nothing to do with that except that he was still pining for me and I’d moved on (but he doesn’t know that and I’m not telling him because that’s not very nice). For over 35 minutes I tried to gently persuade him to go to bed, that he shouldn’t come over. I told him flat out that it would only make things harder, that I was tired, he was being pushy, my headspace was really bad and I couldn’t take the pressure, and that I couldn’t handle it. He wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer for a while. Finally I got him to listen, but it was a little upsetting. And stressful. I was not expecting that kind of pressure and stress on top of the stress that I’d already had to deal with this week.

Sometimes I wonder if there isn’t an evolutionary advantage to having really bad break ups. When you have nasty splits at least you can hate the person black and never want to see them again. You can be done with them, wash your hands of them, and move on clean. No muss, no fuss. When you end things because it’s the right thing to do for you, but maybe not for the other person, and you try to stay “friends”…. It’s more complicated. One person still has real feelings, and even the person that doesn’t still have the strong feelings, still has some feelings. I don’t hate the guy. I still genuinely care about him. He’s a good person. And not for nothing, but he is strikingly attractive. Seriously, he’s probably the hottest guy I’ve ever dated. Easily. Plus I work with him so I see him all the time so there’s that physical proximity and lizard brain attraction that kicks the hormones on to contend with.  It would be a lot easier if I never saw him and we didn’t get along. Simpler.

I wonder if people ever think about that? Everyone always glorifies the ‘being friends’ thing. I have friends that are extremely annoyed with some of my exes because they are a bit {read: a lot} obsessive all over my social media. Or do, say, things like this. It’s a whole different difficult balance to strike that’s even harder when both of you aren’t trying to strike the same balance.

Feelings don’t just disappear and when you are continuously in each other’s space; those emotions are blurry, they don’t remain clean cut, tensions run a bit high, it’s harder to move on… it makes a very good case for needing a lot of space after relationships end.

How am I having relationship problems with a relationship that, technically, I ended a year ago and I don’t even want? Egads!

I am in no way saying that I wish we had an awful breakup. In the end it’s definitely better to be able to act like adults and be able to remain friendly and civil. I’m just talking out loud, you know? It’s bumpy though. I know he and I will be okay. I’ve already talked to him. He’s apologized and we’re fine. We just need to re-establish our boundaries and re-evaluate where we are… maybe get him a girlfriend ::head desk:: 

On my end, I didn't give in. I stuck to my guns and said no. I remained strong in my boundaries. I wasn't ashamed when I woke up this morning. I have nothing to regret. I didn't panic, I dealt. I did what I was supposed to do and things turned out okay. The world didn't end. How about that?

15 comments:

  1. That's awesome that you seem to be coping so well. You definitely have a lot of self control for sticking to your guns and saying no, which I respect. That's awesome, just keep doing what's right for you and I'm sure things will settle down with your ex soon enough.
    I don't think I could handle being friends with an ex. I think that's what causes the off and on again relationships. It's hard, it really is...
    But yeah, you go girl!

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    1. Thank you =) I'm glad we can be friends and I definitely made the right choice.

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  2. what do you think about the idea about borderlines to be a counterforce for the cold and psychopathic world

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  3. [off topic] Lana Del Rey reminds me so much of the girl I love (who has BPD). You should check out the music video for 'Ride'...the lyrics, the monologue, there's so much that screams of BPD imo...

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    1. I like Lana Del Ray. Her music is really pretty.

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  4. lana is a total psychopath
    she's faking it big time

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    1. emotions and empathy she uses char to hide the fact that she does not have any
      i can see the emptiness of a psychopath in their eyes
      regular ppl fill in the mistakes (trick of the brain) i see them

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    2. Yeah oftentimes she sings showing little emotion, but I think that's a defence mechanism so she can show a certain lack of vulnerability to try and protect herself from how personal these lyrics are... People with BPD can feel empty inside too you know. To say that you know someone's a psychopath just because they have an empty dead look in their eyes is a bit ridiculous. Personally, I don't think she is one. I think she has borderline personality disorder. Just because someone doesn't seem emotional it doesn't mean they aren't. The more painful an intense the emotions sometimes the more people suppress them and try to act like they aren't there.

      If she was a sociopath then why is she writing deeply personal songs? Plus I have seen her show genuine emotion on her face at times.

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  5. A psychopath?? WTF? And faking what exactly?

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  7. My comment was apparently too long so I broke it into two...

    I came across your blog yesterday and have been reading and reading all sorts of back entries. I recently started seeing someone who I think may have bpd, or at least a lot of the characteristics of it, and she ended things almost as quickly as she started them. She massively does the push pull thing, and unfortunately I have my own issues with abandonment/ rejection/intimacy, and when she pushes me away it sends me spiralling. Even though things are technically over for now, it feels like she is pushing me away and that she will pull me back again. When she first told me she liked me she said "I pretty much can't stop thinking about you" and after I said I was feeling the same way she said, "but yeah, it can't happen, I don't want to lose you as a friend." Then it got super emotionally intense...I have lots of insecurities that I opened up about (which I NEVER open up about). We didn't have sex (I have issues with physical intimacy), but we sexted a lot and the night I was sure we were going to sleep together she said "no this can't happen" and when I asked why she said "I just thought about it I guess". Then she told me she thought it was better if we just stayed as friends. We have extremely strong chemistry and both opened up emotionally more quickly than we probably both do usually, and she said lots of things about how she really cared about me and it was because she cared about me that she was stopping things, because she wanted to save me from herself. She didn't want to hurt me. And she knows how she is with girls. She seemed to want to keep it at the friend level to avoid doing the push pull thing, but that didn't work...I think our feelings and our connection are too strong.

    The thing is that I really like her, but I hate the way I feel when she pushes me away. I second guess a lot and wonder what I did wrong, or wonder if she doesn't want to be with me because she actually doesn't want to be with me, or because on some level she wants to be with me too much and it makes her withdraw to protect herself. I don't know how to pull these things apart. I have read a lot since yesterday about setting boundaries, and I think I have actually done alright on this front, but I still feel like shit when she pushes me away. It's been a week since she's been in touch this time, which is the longest we've gone without contact since we first started seeing each other (which was pretty constant texting)...

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  8. Haha sorry I see why it's too long now, looks like I wrote a novel! Cont'd...

    I'm not really sure where I'm going with this story other than feeling like I need to get it off my chest, and this seems like a better place to talk about what I think is going on (and the fact that I still want things to happen with her) than to my friends who just keep telling me she is an asshole and that I should just forget about her. I suspect she will resurface and do the pulling me in thing again, and this time I do plan to be up front about what I can and cannot deal with, but I guess since I find the pushing away thing so hard and that is a hallmark of bpd, I don't know what I can ask for. But my reading so far about boundaries seems to be about setting the boundaries that genuinely make me feel safe, protected, and happy even, rather than basing them on what she can and will give me? I have really been working on my own intimacy issues/avoidance in therapy and self reflection over the last few years and I feel like I am finally getting to a place where I have more conviction with the things that I want and need, and am also finally realising that I deserve to be with someone who will treat me with respect. But I am also a big advocate for mental health awareness and destigmatising disorders and I don't want to not date someone I really like and have a good connection with (who I think really likes me too) simply because she has bpd (or characteristics of). I guess the hardest part to process is our overlapping fears, anxieties and insecurities that just get so tangled up.

    I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice here or not :P but I just wanted to say thanks for writing this blog, it has given me a lot of insights into what it's like to live with bpd. Seeing how you actively challenge your thoughts and reactions associated with bpd have really helped me get new perspectives on my own feelings/thoughts/reactions to intimacy and have also really given me a deeper understanding my 'ex''s situation. Thanks.

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  9. I want you to know that you can heal completely from BPD. I know. I did. A severe negative set of learned behaviors were forced upon me as a child-that's what BPD is. To exacerbate the situation, I have Bipolar II Disorder. I take medication daily and my mania has been stable for 7 years. I rationalize my depression by refusing to worry. My negative thinking habits start to attack, I attack them back with positive thinking. There is so much to tell you. So much the APA doesn't understand. BPD is a mental health issue. It does not need to be cured. It's solvable, a solvable puzzle. I freed myself in 7 years with a lot of self-analysis and stubbornness.

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  10. I'm confused--I thought you'd had a few exes with whom you dont speak, like old Friend, and such. And, fi you haven't had the experience of painting someone black, how would you know that it's easier? It sounds, truthfully, like you're dealing with normal exes becoming friends stuff. Sometimes, there are challenges. This seems like one time. What's the big deal?

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    1. Friend and I were never dating, we were "just friends". Our friendship was just an incredibly intimate one.

      What's the big deal? Do you not have BPD? Because everything is challenging and majorly stressful that way. That's why it's a big deal. It hurts.

      It's inappropriate to invalidate someones feelings and life experiences just because you don't think it's difficult or hard to deal with.

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