Sorry Everyone. Last week was super hectic for me. Had major presentations and projects and big life things = extra long hours. Things should be back to normal now. Regular posting shall resume.
I’ve been dating a woman for a while now that I suspect has BPD. She’s been starting to push away and she said something recently that I’m confused by. What does a woman mean when she says “you have the potential to hurt me”? I really like her, I would never hurt her on purpose.
Ah! I know exactly what she means and I have a feeling every one of us with BPD know what she means as well.
You know the old adage “you always hurt the ones you love”? That’s really the thing we’re addressing here. This has nothing to do with your intent. It’s almost always accidental, and often in the case of BPD, not your fault at all depending on the situation (exceptions, of course, in the case of abusive partners).
When you like someone, when you see the potential to really love someone, you see the potential for them to really impact your heart. To be even closer to you. With that closeness, comes power over your heart, power over your vulnerabilities, the places we’ve already been damaged and fight so hard to protect. You are invited within the walls we construct to keep out the villains that would stab us in that heart and potentially place your own knife, however accidentally. We live our lives struggling to find a balance of close but not too close but really, really wanting to be close, but HOLY CRAP WE REALLY NEED TO PROTECT OURSELVES FROMT THE PAIN… but not necessarily on such a conscious level. We’ve lived hard lives with a lot of damage. That we’re telling you this means we; 1. See something in you that we are really drawn to because we really like who you are, but 2. This is also kind of scary for us, because intimacy is scary for because we have been so hurt in the past.
The best thing you could probably do: Go at her pace. Respect her boundaries and gently ask her to elaborate if she feels comfortable. Expect that she may not though. She may need to slow things down to feel comfortable, allow her space, but don’t abandon her. Let her know you’ll be there for her.
I hope this helps you understand. Good luck.