Thursday, September 19, 2013

Random Update of Feelings In a New Relationship

Feelings are funny things. I like my New Lady a whole lot. She’s the loveliest thing I’ve known in a very long time. Yet, she still has the ability to infuriate me…. Then it disappears in a heartbeat the second I see her. I know Therapist wouldn’t like that but it happens and there’s nothing I can do about it. New Lady only has one flaw that I can see so far. She is perpetually and incredibly, incredibly late, all the time, late. Like, runs on her own time zone, late.  For someone like me that has panic attacks when they even perceive that they could potentially be run late (read: not be 15 minutes early), it’s starting to get to me. If it was just once or twice that would be once thing, but it’s been every single date we’ve had ranging from 15 minutes to an hour and half. The first 5 times I was able to brush it off with a ‘no worries, stuff happens, no problem’ though I have told her that I have panic attacks if I’m late and she knows that I have to be punctual, but that last time…. Usually it’s just to a dinner date or hanging out so it’s not to something we would miss… the last time we were going to a movie so there was a specific show time. Specific meeting times get to me.  The show was supposed to start at 7:20p. I of course text her to tell her that I’m leaving in plenty of time. She texts me at 7:17p that she’s lost her keys but she’s now on her way. She lives 15 minutes away. I’m sad and disappointed and for some reason waiting outside. I guess there was also an accident on the way there that delayed her even more? This in no way feels like an acceptable excuse because if she had left at an appropriate time she would have arrive before the accident would have happened. I was angry and seriously ready to just call off the entire damn date. I wanted to just go home. I had an entire picnic of wine, cheese, and crackers prepared but it didn’t matter I was trigger tripped anxious and angered and I was done.

I was done…. Until I saw her. And she promised me a glass of wine and swooped me into her arms and kissed me and my world was right again. All forgiven. Two glasses of wine really. I say the silliest things to her sometimes but she smiles and laughs and my heart soars so I guess she doesn’t mind. We made the next showing of the movie eventually and had our movie picnic. The movie wasn’t fabulous, but being in the movie was.

I was so anxious and furious and ready to leave. Seriously done for the first time in a month and half my patience had given. I needed a drink to get me through but one wasn’t at hand and I was over it and angry. Until she was in my presence and everything was fine again. More than fine again.

I was talking to Therapist about my New Lady and it was increasingly hard for me to tell her how I felt about her. It’s always hard for me to describe how I feel about someone when I’m not actually with them. I feel silly because they don’t feel real. When I’m with them though, they’re all that’s real. And it’s wonderful. It’s one of the wonderful things about being me, maybe about being Borderline… you really love and appreciate being in the company that you’re in to the exclusion of all other things. And forget completely the fury that you had felt the moment before.

Have I told you I’m a movie buff? I hate people that interrupt be during movies. But during this one we were laughing too much I couldn’t even remember if it was bad, good bad, or just not good at all. It was a horror movie and we were giggling the whole time.

We walked out to our cars after. Made out on our cars until the lot was practically empty afterwards…. I was glowing until I fell asleep… but now that she’s away from me, I wonder if those feelings are real or not. I’m sure they are, because I’ve written them down so I remember. Those feelings feel so far away though when she’s not actually with me though. It’s odd and disconcerting to feel so much and so little for someone is so small a time frame.

It’s no wonder it’s hard to hold onto the idea that someone would hold onto the idea of constant feelings for me. For us.

I have to remind myself constantly that’s it’s still early on. That this is normal for me. That we’ve only just met. That it takes me time to really internalize someone. It’s not something to be frantic about when I don’t feel a solid connection right away.


Especially as I do know that when I see them again, I feel something instantly. I’m in the moment. All the fears, all the loneliness, it all goes away. I wish I could find a way to remember that and always hold that to me so the anxiety of it would cease, but unfortunately it won’t, but at least I have the cognitive recognition of it now. It helps a lot that she texts me all the time. She tells me that she’s thinking about me. That she wants to make plans. Only time will tell really. Hopefully a lot of time. 

2 comments:

  1. I'm borderline and I definitely tend to do this at the beginning of relationships - romantic or otherwise. But when it comes to my partner of 6 years, and my oldest and closest friends.. I never forget how I feel about them :) I think you are right, and it takes a while for someone to become truly part of us. Good luck in your new relationship, she sounds lovely! I have to admit I am late a lot too, but its usually a result of me being too anxious to get myself together :/ I just sit there like, frozen, unless my partner literally boots me out the door. But maybe you could go pick your lady up next time, that way she won't be late? :) xx

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  2. I am so thankful that I found this today. I've known I had BPD for quite some time and usually do well managing it on my own. Some days are harder. This line in particular struck me: "but now that she’s away from me, I wonder if those feelings are real or not. I’m sure they are, because I’ve written them down so I remember." I have been keeping a Livejournal since 2006 in which I scribe all the most important moments with those I care about for EXACTLY this reason. If I write it, I can read it again and feel it again and reassure myself. But if I don't... the doubt is there.

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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