Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Forgiveness Not Included

Yesterday I said there was one other issue I talked to my Therapist about that I was leaving for a separate post. The issue revolves around Forgiveness. So often we hear how healing forgiveness is. How healing it is for others, and for ourselves. Yes, it absolutely can be. But is it always? Is it always even necessary?

A couple of my friends have mentioned to me that they are doing something to make peace with their past. This includes making amends with my Evil-Ex.

First I’ll say that cognitively I do understand that they are allowed to have their own reasons for what they do and their lives are their own.
That said…

Part of me feels flat out betrayal by this. That’s an understatement. I just feel betrayed by it. I’m extremely angry about it. This is a man-child that abused me, and them (or would have if he could have gotten away with it in the one’s case), for years. I realize this is a selfish feeling, they’re doing this for them, not for me, but it’s how I feel.  I would never tell them this, but it feels like a complete betrayal.

Even as my one friend was in the process of trying to make amends with my him, my Evil-Ex blew up in a fit of narcissistic bullshit and paranoia and accused him of sleeping with me... because clearly that was the only reason he would have been friends with me. What? Um, no. As dear a friend as he is, one of my best friends in fact, that has never even come close to happening. It’s one of the reasons I trust him beyond pretty much anyone. But that’s the kind of thing my ex does. He makes up all these ridiculous stories and propaganda to explain away why someone could possibly do something that he doesn’t approve of or doesn’t revolve around him. He accused my friend of “hiding” our friendship, even though the whole time we were always flat out in the open about it, even though my ex gave him a ton of shit for it. The whole time. My ex couldn’t imagine why someone would just be friends with someone without “getting something out of it”. Especially me.  Friends because we actually just like each other? Shocking! Gaslighting is one of the things my Evil-Ex does best.

Why would you bother making amends with someone that abused you for years? That used you? Used and abused all the people around you? That you loved and cared for? Discarded them like pieces of trash to be stomped out and spit on like you were less than worthless?

I’m sorry but no. Never. The only reason that boy crosses my mind is for the purpose of my own healing and to use my experiences to grow and become stronger, and so that others my use my experiences and possibly grow from them as well. He means nothing to me.

Forgiveness is for people that deserve forgiveness. Forgiveness is for people that want to be forgiven. Forgiveness is for people that have taken responsibility for themselves and are making an effort to change in ways that are no longer hurtful.

I understand him. He’s a self-involved, Narcissist that never learned to grow up and be anything but a tantrum throwing man-sized child. A loud Beta male pretending to be an Alpha that has to rule his little group of friends through fear and manipulation because he doesn’t understand what it is to actually lead people. Sorry, but I don’t respect that. I never will.

The things he did to me were inexcusable. As far as I’m concerned they’re also unforgivable.

I will go to my grave knowing that he will never be forgiven and I will perfectly cont

ented with that fact.

Every time I work on an issue that involves him, I get over one more thing in which he had affected me. It’s one more abusive demon exorcised from my past that I can move on from and put behind me. Forgiveness won’t be necessary for me because he won’t mean anything to me.  Hell, he doesn’t mean anything to me now except as a lesson to be learned from and I still have PTSD (something else I’m coming to grips with) from that relationship.

I think people often think you can’t move on unless you forgive. I disagree. I learned a lot from the abuse that I was dealt. I’m a stronger person for it. He deserves no thanks for it but I learned from the experiences I was put through. I think you can come to peace with what happened to you through your own healing and can even draw strength and overcome what has happened to you. That is what you need to move on.

Therapist actually seems to think it’s not a bad quality to have such a decisive nature like I do. I worry that this is just my splitting, but then again, I didn’t actually imagine the stuff he did. I gave him every chance in the world to change, to show me even a modicum of decency… and unless he was getting something out of it; never. I’m past it all. It’s not worth my time to waste with trying to search my heart for forgiveness. He isn’t worth that effort. Someone capable of that kind of cruelty and maliciousness is worth nothing. Right up until the end I gave him every chance. I allow people to push me much, much too far in the hopes that they’ll somehow turn around, look back, and realize I’m a person too. When I’m done though, there’s no looking back. You’ve exhausted all your chances, all your extra chances, and probably a party full of chances you never should have had. No looking back. I’m absolutely fine with that. He has never shown any remorse, or apology for his behavior or treatment of me. None. 

My time, my energy, my effort, it all deserves to be poured into my own healing, and furthering the healthy relationships I have in my life right now. Those are the things that matter.

I’m not interested in Forgiving and Forgetting. Instead I’m going to Heal and Forget. Some people aren’t worth remembering. 


  1. Hi Haven. Long time reader but never posted. Until today.

    Your subject matter hit me right where I am living (or dying). Forgiveness is difficult. At times the thought seems impossible given the history I have with a certain person.

    I am in my late forties and have been on and off again with a girl in her mid twenties. We have done this dance for about three years. (shaking my head....really???)

    Forgiveness (or lack thereof) is often referred to as necessary to unchain us from the past or something akin to drinking poison hoping the other person will die, I recently got my first ink with the words forgive and accept to remind me to move forward. However, it seems as though every time I make solid progress she pops up and asks for forgivenss, expresses regret, says she can't get me out of her mind and still loves me. I take her back, give her a sympathetic ear, and everything is great for a while. Then, within a couple of months or so, she meets her latest soul mate and disappears.

    I have trouble understanding her, but more so myself. I have taken her back numerous times thinking this time will be different. Is that insanity or what? She fit the criteria right from the start but did not know anything about BPD until I went to see a professional. We started as friends as she was my tenant. We talked frequently at first and she told me waaay too much about her life. She was frequently telling me about random sexual encounters, both male and female. She had never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months but frequently rebounded with same people over and over. I started to feel sorry for her. Moreover, I began to identify with about everything she said. Well fast forward a few weeks and she came to my place in the middle of the night saying she could not sleep. I let her in my bed and you know the rest of the story. It was great and it was hell. The sex was off the charts, the companionship was warm and great, and the roller coster of emotions of push pull, I love you I hate you was baffling and hurtful. But in the end, I was not as much a victim as I was a volunteer. I had to come to the point of realization that I became addicted to the sex and the drama. Always trying to save her from herself. In all that, I realized I have codependant qualities. The professional prognosis for her was not so good which is heart wrenching. She is beautiful, smart, and funny. She recently asked me to consider marriage which I seriously did in the face of all the enormous odds of against success. I am simply torn to shreds by her promiscuity.

    In the three year I have known her there have been about 12 guys and two girls that I know of. That doesn't count what I don't know about. We had full disclosure agreement with the therapist. She quit showing up but I continue to go. The therapist contends that in her opinion that she has probably been with more than a hundred people given that she started around 14 or 15 years of age. I told the therapist that I didn't believe it but now I just don't know. It makes me sick to wonder about the pain that she must live with. However, she shows no concern or remorse.

    1. That's my issue. If there was concern or remorse, it would be different issue. And believe me, those of us with BPD absolutely can feel these things.... but if they're not there, what do you do?

      I saw the things my Ex was doing to me every single day. After each bit of nastiness I felt guilty for "letting him continue to do these things to me". I had to learn to FORGIVE MYSELF because his behavior was not my fault though I felt guilty for a long time. You feel the way you feel. It's not always logical.

  2. Our latest breakup came when she went to look at a couch to buy. She came home, started an argument with me. I told her to leave and come back when she cooled down. She promptly went back to the guy's house that had the couch and now lives with him and says they are getting married. WTF??? Last year, she disappeared. She had fallen in love with a recovering herion addict and got engaged to him within a month. 2 months later she was back on my doorstep. Am I stupid or what?

    I thought about forgiveness and being friends. Then she moved in a block from me in a small apartment but still primarily lives with the other guy. You want to talk about hard to witness.

    I would truly like to forgive her. Therapist says when I truly reach that point that I will no longer feel angry but will feel sympathy for her, given that she is pretty and accomplished. She just graduated from nursing school and fgot her license on her first attempt. Truly limitless possibilities for success.

    However, as for me, I feel blindsided and betrayed yet again. I struggle with why should I feel this way when I have seen this movie several times before. Really, them movie plays over and over in my head.

    Forgivenes??? I just don't know. It seems like a foreign country divided by a chasm that seems impossible to cross. Wish me well please fellow readers.

    1. Forgiveness is also something that comes in time. If it's something that has happened recently (and recently can by even a year or two) it may simply be too soon for forgiveness. It's not something that can be rushed. If it's something that you want to do, then someday it will happen organically, but you don't have to force it.

      I've forgiven even The One for some of the awful things he did to me. For no other reason than it gives me peace to do so and I know he wouldn't do them now years later.

      If the wound is too new, still being opened, it will simply be too soon for forgiveness. That's okay. Let it come in it's own time. If it comes. It's okay if it doesn't too.

  3. Hi, thanks for your post on Forgiveness. I understand where you are coming from and completely agree with your statement about forgiveness being something that one earns through visible remorse and change. And I also understand that once you are over it - you simply won't care about that person anymore and at that point I think you are right- you won't even need to forgive anything because it simply doesn't matter anymore. You won't forget the events that happened, but you will one day be able to look back and not even conjure up emotion for that person anymore. And that is a wonderful feeling. I also know that with 2 particularly abusive ex's I've had, now that I understand how fucked up they were, I actually feel kind of sorry for them. Because how sad and in pain does one have to be in order to inflict that much abuse on others (and undoubtedly themselves, in the privacy of their own brain)? It does not forgive and exempt them from their abusive actions, it just gives you perspective. And I think that perspective is very valuable for healing. <3

    1. Yes, this. I absolutely agree with everything you've said. I have the same perspective on my Ex and some of my other ex's. It changes nothing for me but it does give me perspective. It helps me understand and in that understanding I can grow.

    2. What if the person loved you very dearly, and was continually hurt by your harsh words, criticism, push-pulling and broken by your eventual splitting, and felt completely powerless in the tornado of chaos and confusion you were blowing? What if this person only found out about BPD after you split him black, and put in the effort of reading through 700+ articles and thousands of comments on Haven's blog to try and understand and create exception behaviour specifically when dealing with you so that you are not triggered. What if this person loves you so much that he has put aside his ego, and already forgiven you for the hurts you caused to him and puts in all the effort of trying to reengage with you but "you are over it - you simply won't care about that person anymore and at that point I think you are right- you won't even need to forgive anything because it simply doesn't matter anymore. You won't forget the events that happened, but you will one day be able to look back and not even conjure up emotion for that person anymore. And that is a wonderful feeling."

      That's fucking tragic.

  4. I've always struggled with this concept of forgiveness and healing - burning bridges and moving on. It is very difficult to forgive someone who doesn't even recognise ‘the error of their ways’. There are also circumstances where the whole idea of forgiveness feels trivial or insignificant, on the scale of things. Does healing ONLY come through forgiveness? Well, I hope not! In my experience of healing from PTSD, when healing and peace come, the perpetrators pale into insignificance.

  5. Good day haven,
    Forgiveness is hrd, specially after suffering from so much abuse n pain. Part of me thinks that forgiveness is the saying to self, that person no longer effects me, I may or may not understand where you acted from, but I can let it go now.
    That said it is them that still owns the damage they have done to you, tis just you that let it not effect u anymore. N knowing that u did not deserve it. Forgiveness I believe is aknowalging that you were done wrong. And that the karmic world will deal for you.

  6. Why is it that we get sucked in by narcissists so easily? We care so much, so they know they've got us for good. They don't feel remorse like we do, and we won't get it from them.


Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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