Monday, October 28, 2013

Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy : Getting Something Off My Chest

I have to get something off my chest that has been affecting both me and my blog.  My one roommate has been reading along and it’s been inhibiting my ability to write about myself openly. She also showed some of the things to my other roommate in what felt like an attempt to hurt him. Working through my life, and my emotional issues should not be used as a weapon to wound someone else.  I was really pretty pissed off about this.  I also haven’t felt like I’ve been able to write about the things affecting me in my day to day life because quite frankly, my roommates are big factors in that. Out of respect for them I’ve refrained.

Well, at this particular moment, I just don’t care. I’m pissed off. Things have been imploding so hard around here (not with me, with them) that I can’t stand it. I need to vent.  The bickering and the bitching is driving me to my wits end. My one roommate at least tries. He speaks reasonably at first and at least approaches their conversations with a reasonable tone and from a perspective of wanting to fix problems. Not her. Oh no, not her. From the very first second she is on the attack. Everything is so fucking negative. She shoots down everything he says. Everything he does is wrong, bad, or not good enough. Her tone is biting, cruel, and condescending. I’m sorry but it is never fucking okay to talk to someone like that. Not ever. Sure I used to talk to my parents this way... when I was a teenager. But then I grew up. Especially not about the bullshit things they argue about; Magazines, dishes, shoes, … of course some things are much bigger because their relationship isn’t working, but she attacks him about EVERY SINGLE THING. It’s not okay. She’s an adult and she has no right to talk to people like that. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve wanted to cut out her tongue and shove it down her fucking throat. I mean, he has his moments too, but he has to be pushed to them.

He can’t even say hello to her when she walks in the door without her biting his head off… unless of course I’m around. I guess she doesn’t want me to see her act like this? Our condo isn’t that big. I fucking hear it every day. I started keeping a running list of all the bullshit things they bicker about.

I stopped leaving my bedroom.

I used to paint in the living room. It has the best light and my incredible entertainment center. They argue so frakking much I don’t want to be around them. The only way I can tolerate it is if I’m drinking. And if they’re having an especially loud night and I have no where to go, I start drinking heavily.

Effective communication. Learn it. I have a personality disorder people. Not to mention all my other problems. And yet…. I’ve learned all these amazing skills and tools. I just want to be like, HERE! It’s not that hard. Yeah it takes time and a little effort, but you have no excuse to treat another human being like this. You’re an asshole sometimes. But it’s not my relationship and I’m not involving myself in their business. I’m just bringing my painting and my wine into my room and hiding out with my cats.

I’m so heartbroken for him because I know how much he loves her.  I know I should keep my opinions to myself, but frankly, I want him to find someone that actually deserves him. He deserves to be built up, not torn down every day. That’s what anyone deserves really. Everyone has their issues but he’s trying so hard to make the changes that make his life better.  The changes she asked for.  Fuck it all.

I’m angry. I just hope it changes for the better because I really adore both of my roommates and it’s doing a number on my sanity.

I haven’t been able to keep ahold of my impulsivity at all.

I’ve been hanging out with my tattoo artists. He’s a really rockin’ guy. I admit to perhaps crushing on him a bit in the past.  We’ve been friends for a while (read: years) and he offered to teach me how to oil paint so finally I took him up on it. He was going through a hard time due to a recent break up, and I knew he was lonely, so I kind of used the painting more of as an excuse than anything, but I knew he needed company so we made plans to hang out.  We spent the entire night talking, drinking wine, talking, drinking wine, eventually, getting around to painting, finishing our 2nd bottle of wine, more painting, more talking, doing shots of Absinthe… because we’re artistic painter types of course we’re going to do at least a couple shots of Absinthe… We talked about a lot. He’s one of the few people I actually talk to very naturally about pretty much everything (I later found out that I am the same way with him). I’ve sat for nearly 25 hours’ worth of ink with him and we generally talk the whole time, but apparently this is not typical. We have a lot in common and it’s easy to just be myself. Though he does make me hella nervous because he is such an extraordinary artist and I’m just learning.

I had a blast with him painting, though I got way too drunk to do a proper job of it. We ended up watching horror movies and drinking more. By this point I know I should have stopped drinking. Hell I should have stopped drinking at the 2nd bottle of wine, let alone the shots of Absinthe, but stress, don’t care. I felt like I was in a movie everything was mostly surreal, right up until the point where he kissed me and I absolutely was okay with it. Two impulsive decisions in one night. Can you really call them decisions if they're impulsive? I mean, really? What are you deciding there? You're just doing.  I actually really like him, but it’s also really pretty triggering for me. I’m not really ready to be involved with a guy. But on the other hand, the way we get along and how much we have in common is pretty frakking rad. And so easy. There’s absolutely no pretense or nerves or jitters. I can just be me b/c he already knows me. I’ve been dealing with a lot of trauma issues and it’s getting to me in odd ways. I don’t want to displace my past issues onto him. However he does know I have these issues because we’re really good at communicating and he’s open to listening.

You’re probably wondering about my New Lady. Hey, me too. Things had kind of cooled off. She went on vacation, things kept coming up, I wasn’t hearing from her, not seeing her at all. I kept texting her, and getting almost nothing in response. I have object constancy problems. If you don’t talk to me, even a just a brief text or something, how am I supposed to feel like a part of your life? We haven’t been dating very long and we have no commitment to speak of… anyone he knows I’m seeing her, so, until her and I decide to make something official of this, which also depends on whether it goes anywhere… idk.

Therapist probably thinks I’m Acting Out a bit because of all the stress. She thinks I need to talk to my New Lady which I had planned to.  At the time I had Therapy I hadn’t, but I’ve had a chance to by now, and things are going stronger with her. She wants me to work on things more with New Lady and see where that goes. On the one hand I do too. On the other hand I’m in a very impulsive place right now and everything with her is being really frustrating. I was making all of the effort. And if I’m not making all of the effort, well, not much. But as soon as I see her, it’s like we were never apart.

Everyone has been vying for my attention lately though. I don’t understand how extroverted people do it. I need to recharge. I feel so drained.  Things were a mess here on Wednesday so I had to escape. I literally could not stand here without feeling like I was escaping my own body so Tattoo Artist said I could come hang out with him. I never feel stressed out with him (except occasionally at the thought of having sex).  He’s very relaxing to hang out with. Friday I finally saw my New Lady. I made Salted Dark Chocolate Cupcakes, we had wine, and we were able to figure out what was going on and where we wanted to go so that’s at least a little promising. On Saturday GF was visiting from PA so I hung out with her in the afternoon/early evening. Then went to a wedding with my New Lady in the Evening.

Oh goodness the wedding. She was quite drunk. Which was cute, but she kept pulling me up to dance… with other people and then leaving me to go pull other people out on the dance floor… I didn’t know anyone there! I was afraid of looking silly because this was a VERY traditional wedding from her culture, I didn’t know the style of dance very well (which was beautiful and fun! I was just a tad insecure b/c it was so new), and I was so alone and overstimulated I was started to dissociate a little.  Also b/c she’s not “out” we were only there “as friends” so she had to really play it more distant as well. That was fine. I went in knowing that, but I wasn’t okay with being pulled out to dance with strangers and then left while she ran around gathering other people and leaving me alone. All I could do was plaster a smile on my face and remember that I’ve been dancing since I was 7. She did tell me that people were complimenting me on how lovely I danced though, which was nice. Ultimately I had to leave a little early, b/c I was so tired and so overwhelmed, but I think I did it very gracefully and I didn’t let my anxiety show.

Even Sunday I woke up early to make Apple Cinnamon Pull Apart bread and clean so I could have friends over and have a movie night.

 It was nice catching up with GF though. Remember her? I got to vent about my old BPD friend Riot. My buddy is having a birthday in December. He’s renting a cabin for a weekend. Riot is invited. I’m actually really anxious about staying with her for a couple days. I haven’t seen her since our friendship ended. I did write her a nice letter of closure and explanation on my part. No blaming. No anger. Just explanation, caring, and well wishes for her…. I wanted closure for the both of us, but that doesn’t mean I want to reconcile and that doesn’t mean I want her in or near my life. I’m worried she hasn’t changed and that she’s still a giant ball of DRAMA and emotional draining. I’ve worked so hard to get all of that out of my life. I hate the thought of allowing that into my life even for a couple of days. She was never able to take any personal responsibility for herself. I know I should try to stop myself from ruminating and thinking the worst, because I can’t possibly know what she has or hasn’t done with her life, but she always blamed everyone else, “she was always the victim”.  I’m really worried what it’s going to bring up.

My past keeps coming back into my present. There are times I remember why I used to keep so many parts of my life compartmentalized. If I had I wouldn’t have to be dealing with this right now.

There was one more thing Therapist and I talked about but I think I’ll put that in a special post b/c this is getting really long.

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