Friday, October 11, 2013

Sad Memories

Sometimes I think I’m ready to date again. To be in a relationship again. Other times, I think I’ll never be able to really be a whole person for someone else. (No, nothing is actually wrong in my current relationship).


One of the worst things about living with the things that I have to live with is all of the sad memories.


The grief and the doubt. The abuse that I’ve lived through that makes me hold back and subconsciously need to protect myself. I second guess everything. Then again, I’m actually very perceptive, so when I second guess there’s usually a reason for it. I know I’m hypersensitive to how others are feeling. Therapist actually thinks it’s one of my best qualities. I’m so perceptive of how others are feeling, and so considerate of it, that I work so hard to make them comfortable around me comes without a second thought.


I don’t feel comfortable with me though. Not always. Especially when others in my past have worked so hard to make me feel so bad about myself.  I’ve felt extremely off. Hollow. In an existential place of understanding who I am. Feeling who I am. Lately I haven’t felt anything at all. 



I’m hoping to make a lateral move at work that will lead to more opportunities in the future. I’m in a caring, healthy relationship… that has felt a little distant, but only for purely plausible reasons – she was on a family vacation out of state for the last week. I still need to reconnect a little though. I feel like between the two I’m a little unsteady and I hate that when things in my external world are a little unbalanced, in a shifting state, that my internal world is so affected. 





It makes me sad. I want to be the kind of person that can just pick up and be the person I was when I was happiest last. I don’t like to be this way. I actually can’t remember the last time I felt this way. Therapist has been so proud of me and the work that I’ve done. How far I’ve come in my therapy and the positive changes I’ve made in my life and my patterns of behavior. I need to feel stability in my world. I hate the “what ifs”. I can’t stand the uncertainties.

I wish I had happier memories to share. It saddens me that all too often what I have to contribute I keep quiet because my memories are darkened with a lifetime of pain. 

All the bad memories. All the abuse. They crowd into the dark corners of my mind, whispering what could happen if I don’t pay attention to every single detail. People wonder why I overthink things.  I just want things to be perfect. Not just for me. For her and for everyone around me. Mostly I just want things to be steady. I want things to be still. Tranquil.  



What I wouldn’t give for a life of quiet certainty sometimes. 


3 comments:

  1. Haven, I have been reading your blog for some time now. I am impressed beyond words by your research, your insight, strength and creativity. You may struggle with much and I know this affliction so well, but as you mature (and it takes us a long time) eventually heading into middle age, the turmoil will begin to form patterns that you can not only manage....but accept and and love. I have 20+ years on you but wish I could have benefitted from your remarkable research 30 years ago. Be 'still' in installments and speak gently to yourself. As is happening now, your mind will repay you a little more each day.

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  2. I suffer from extreme empathy ....and you break my heart. Check out Molecules of Emotions by Candice Pert,Ph.D., and then cheat a little by going to pg 271 and half way down the page. I know you don't trust old monkeys, but ....just keep and open mind about it.

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  3. I discovered your blog recently. I read the oldest first because that's just how I roll. But I found it led me in weird internal thought spirals making me feel a bit trapped in my own triggeryness if that makes sense.

    Today, I was in the mood to trigger myself, searching for epiphanies so I started reading from most recent backwards this time. This entry resonated for me.

    I'm not BPD but I may be Avoidant PD. All the PDs seem to grow up in variants of the same families and we choose different coping mechanisms.

    Mom's father was a malignant narcissist. She broke out of that home but married my father who's a softer narcissist. He more ignored his family than tortured us, but it still sucked. And he was an alcoholic too. I didn't realize what he was until after I divorced my malignant narcissist ex-wife and after years of safe-space with my current (2nd and final) wife (8+years).

    Now I am realizing as a 40 y/o man that my parents taught me not that I'm a horrible person, but that I simply don't matter. I was to be as little a burden as possible. I learned the options were - 1. attempting, failing and being insulted by my Dad, 2. attempting, succeeding and then have my success denigrated by my Dad who would either rant about how much more skilled/smart he is or just whatever-dude me, or 3. don't attempt anything for myself and be left in peace. I chose 3.

    Reading old posts your Dad rhymed with mine. Not the same, but rhymed I think. It made me empathize with you.

    It's really sinking in that I deep down, I've never felt I was allowed to do things for me. I got good grades, followed orders and even the most subtle hints I just did. I never realized how much I didn't feel my life is mine. I was there to keep things calm, smooth or just be out of the way. I learned how to detect emotions well in order to save myself. I detect peoples needs and seek to fill them. I see how I just took my Mom's role, although she was more Dependent and OCD (worrying) than me.

    I had dreams but let the slightest naysaying from my parents dissuade me. I only needed a subtle reminder that my wants were wrong. I didn't give up everything. I'm still a comic book, anime, kung fu/Hammer film head, but I didn't pursue writing/art with the diligence I deserved.

    I basically rail against injustice for everyone but myself. I hide and help others. I appear ridiculously calm, silly sometimes, peaceful with a pleasant smile. I feel that way to some extent, but I'm realizing how much that is covering up a fatalistic sadness, a settling for crumbs that is really at my core. I didn't think I was this sad, but I'm seeing I am. I'm just not allowed to burden anyone with it because that would get me attention which always ended in disappointment and rejection.

    I'll be getting therapy soon. I'm very functional so I won't need meds, I think. But I do need a crap load of therapy and probably some Buddhist meditation training stuff. Which is weird because I appear calm. I'm just realizing how much my calmness was just a hopelessness about having my needs met or actually even recognized that my needs have a right to exist.

    These are all recent realizations so I'm not sure how coherent I am.

    I relate to you even though we are very different. I feel like our dysfunctions are variants on a theme. I was going to say inversion, but the opposite of my Avoidant w/some codependency is a narcissist or maybe histrionic really. And BPD isn't the same. It kinda looks like BPDs took a sideways move. I think a BPD with me would end up looking like a NPD; and a BPD w/an NPD would look more like me. Though I'm no psychologist at all. So I could be fulla crap.

    Thanks for sharing. Good luck.

    Remus Lupin.

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