A little bit ago I talked about when a Borderline loved one says they “know” a relationship isn’t going to work… but that’s really more a matter of insecurity and other issues and all sorts of other things. Today I want to talk about how someone with BPD ACTUALLY knows when a relationship is over.
1. Devaluation and Splitting - Of course sometimes we might fall into a complete Devaluation and Split someone Black, Black, Black. This is probably the most clean cut, albeit one of the more painful and aggressive ways to go about knowing something is over.
a. For instance this was my experience with Evil-Ex =P
2. Love vs. Pain - Sometimes the pain bleeds up overtime until it’s just to painful to bear any longer. There might be love, but the pain of loving that person finally overtakes the love. This becomes a battle. Fear of losing the love but also having to live with enduring the pain that love is causing. Each person has their own breaking point.
a. This was my experience with Friend and The One.
3. Impulsive Rage- Sorry. Sometimes we fly off the handle. It’s unfortunate and unpredictable. This is why it’s important to develop trust, establish boundaries, and communication at the beginning of the relationship to reduce this sort of thing.
a. This actually happened quite a bit with The One actually. Mostly because he cheated on me and was a complete douchebag.
4. Emptiness and Alone – Together. One of the fabulous things about being in a relationship is that you don’t usually feel quite so alone. Because you’re not! But when you start to feel alone when you’re with your loved one it can be a problem. When we start to wish you were alone when you’re with your loved one, it’s even more of a problem. When you start to make up excuses to avoid seeing your loved one… something is probably coming to an end.
a. ***NOTE – Not during periods of depression which can also cause this. Communicate to get to the root of the problem!
5. Boredom – Despite your best efforts you are intolerably bored. Frankly I don’t think this is completely a BPD problem. This is partially just a standard dating issue. However it may be exacerbated because many of us have issues with an Intolerance to Boredom. If our partners bore us it’s a dump worthy offense.
6. Just not compatible – You like someone. You’ve been together a long time. You had some initial sparkage. You had some initial chemistry. Now it’s kind of run it’s course. But you’ve gotten comfortable. You don’t want to hurt them. You don’t necessarily want to lose them. But you do want better for yourself. Hell you kind of want better for them. But you’re not really sure what to do at all. Alright, this is just where I am. Where you like someone as a person, but you know you’re ultimately not compatible in a relationship, but being BPD you get crazy anxiety at the thought of separating from the relationship so you put it off, and you put it off. You keep trying and you keep trying, dragging it on and on until they can’t help but notice that something is really wrong and all but flat and dead on the side of the road.
7. Someone else – This is the one no one wants to mention but everyone worries about. Sometimes it happens that we meet someone else that for whatever reason is who we want to be with. This is another pretty clear cut, but not always so aggressively destructive one. When there’s someone else in the picture, well, you know when you know and it’s over.
8. Cheating/Abuse/Act of Terror and Awful – I always have to add a catch all category for the truly nasty disasters that can happen in relationships that are not necessarily our fault and are completely valid excuses for ending a relationship.
9. Simply not wanting to be in the relationship anymore is a perfectly valid reason for no longer being in the relationship anymore. It’s an unfortunate fact of life that just because we want an explanation doesn’t mean that that is one or that we will get one.
Here’s the thing. When you’ve been with someone for so long and there’s no longer any chemistry, or there are too many problems, or there is a lot of hurt and pain, or anger, but you have that safety, familiarity, or the comfortableness… it’s really hard to let go. Especially for people like us. Abandoning goes both ways and we don’t necessarily want to leave either even if we’re not happy. Which can sound silly, but being unhappy is better than being alone sometimes.
Quite often our endurance for pain and unhappiness is relative. We have such a sensitized system for pain and suffering that even if we’re hurting, if it isn’t “as bad” as something we’ve felt before, we feel like we can deal with it, because we’ve been through worse, so we put up with it. Tough it out. Because we know we can. It’s really not fair to us or our partners though. Especially as we’re often the cause of our own suffering.
Now! Here’s the tricky part! Stick to your guns! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve actually managed to break up with someone; Had every valid reason. Written lists. Actual lists. Pros. Cons. Or just general misery. Hate even. Loathing. I’m pretty sure I was actually able to channel the Dark Side and Force Choke Evil-Ex at one point… and I still took him back. The anxiety and panic that comes from being alone can be awe inspiring. The tears, apologies, and emotions that bubble to the surface when one or the other of us has convinced the other to try again… and succeeded. ::sigh:: I think I’ve found the solution to this though. To not getting back together that is. We’ll get to that tomorrow.
How about you? How can you tell when you’re ready to leave a relationship?