Friday, May 31, 2013

Lucid Analysis Trials in Therapy – The End: Again

Walked in to Therapy. I’m actually feeling pretty good emotionally. I mean things could be better, but they could definitely be worse.

I’m officially done with Tech Boy. I haven’t officially ended it, but the talks have begun. The last month has just been wildly uncomfortable for me. I don’t really want him near me. I don’t like sleeping next to him. I can’t stand the smell of his cologne which I used to like on my pillow. I need to wash my sheets or change them before I can sleep in my bed again. When he goes to kiss me or make out with me all I can think about is, “Is it over yet?” I absolutely will not have sex with him unless I’m drunk. That’s just a bad sign. The thought of it makes me skin crawl. It’s repulsive. There’s just no longer an attraction there. The rosey color glasses have finally come off and there’s nothing left.

We got into a fight the other night. A few fights lately. Not even really fights. Stunted conversations via text that lead nowhere and ended abruptly. A couple of: I need support, but I don’t feel you are understanding- FINE I CLEARLY DON’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT ::throws hands in the air:: WHY SHOULD I EVEN TALK TO YOU…  The one before last where I’d flat out asked for emotional support and he was woefully inept and then threw a temper tantrum when I told him his suggestion of “leaving my stress at work” wasn’t a helpful solution, I told you about. There were others before that but that was just the final straw for me. I gave up after that. I’m done trying. Therapist has notice a pattern. Tech Boy is there when things are good and fun. When things are bad he just wants to go away and wait for things to get better, for me to take care of them on my own, and then come back when things are good and fun again.

If I even attempt to have a constructive, mindful conversation where I discuss our issues and the things that are creating problems, he cannot handle it. He takes everything personally, will not look at anything as if I have a part in it (which I do, relationships are two part and I am not without my own faults which I am fully willing to recognize and discuss), throws a temper tantrum, and walks away. He completely avoids the conversations and stops working on it. I can’t deal with that kind of bullshit.

He’s a big kid. He’s fun for my Outer Child. We play our video games. Go to concerts. Go out drinking. Indulge our bad habits. But he’s an emotional teenager. I need an Adult Relationship to encourage my Healthy Adult. I’m trying very, very hard to heal and become a healthier person. I can’t do that if the person I’m with is an emotional jackass.

Meh. We’ll go out for drinks or something. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just immature and not emotionally mature enough to deal with someone like me or handle the kinds of traumatic experiences I’ve had to deal with and am often triggered by.  I want to remain on decent terms so I want to focus on the better aspects of our relationship and the fact that we’re just not compatible, not necessarily his deficiencies. I don’t want to play the blame game. I don’t think that will help. I feel terrible because I think I’m his first love, which I was really hoping I wasn’t. I can honestly say though, he only really saw the good parts of me. He didn’t get the bad destructive aspects of me. Maybe some stress and anxiety, but nothing even out of the ordinary. I really did try. I’m not splitting him black either. He’s not a demon, just not right for me.

Meh, it doesn’t make this any easier though, because despite the fact that I don’t want to be with him, I do still care about him. Care. Not love. ::sigh:: Sooner is better.

Therapist went on a long tangent about my direction in life.  This was kind of out of the blue. She had made a statement a few weeks ago about not being able to see where I was down the line. She’s decided that I should gather some friends and open up my own restaurant/ café. Which I absolutely would love to do someday. In fact this has always been sort of my retirement plan: To own my own little café/bistro sort of thing. But why she’s so adamant about me having this now? I’m a highly successful engineer with multiple engineering degrees working on a ground breaking project that is the most advanced of it’s kind in the world. It’s not like I’m floundering for direction here. I mean yes, I do bake and cook on a gourmet level. Before I planned on engineering I was going to culinary school. Now I do it for fun. Last weekend I made Japanese Hokkaido Milk Bread from scratch, Red Wine Braised Short Ribs, and Devilled Eggs for a party I hosted for friends. Yanno, just threw it together. Cooking is a serious passion for me. And I’m very good at it. Sure I’ve fantasized about opening a restaurant and I plan menus in my head and all of that… But I’m not really ready to give up my professional career at 32 years old. It was just, odd. Interesting to think about, but odd.

Red Wine Braised Short Ribs 
Hokkaido Milk Bread

I mentioned the angry mental conversations that turn into angry fights which turn into violent fits of rage and emotion in my mind that I blogged about the other day. Therapist says this is totally normal, especially for Borderlines and not unhealthy at all. In fact if you can take away different ways to not approach a conversation with someone, if you can work out different things not to say, then while yes you may be working yourself up emotionally, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. If you’re not actually taking it out on the other person, this is actually demonstrating a level of self-control because you’re working out your anger and frustration. You’re being connected to your anger and frustration, working through it. It is important to try and take something away from it. If it remains impotent and all you do is smash dishes and punch holes in walls, well then not so much a good thing. But if it helps you cope and deal with your anger and frustration, confront it, instead of avoiding and repressing it, then it’s not necessarily a bad thing. She was concerned that I didn’t necessarily come to internal resolutions about some of my internal arguments, but I’m not always certain you can come to resolutions if you’re having “arguments” with another person who isn’t actually present. You can however resolve to be more mindful of the things you shouldn’t say (get those angry things out ahead of time) and then have the appropriate conversation later… yanno, if you can get your partner to actually have the conversation with you =P.

This eventually lead into a discussion on sexuality and role models and how society views sexuality and the acceptance of it along with personal acceptance of sexuality. I still struggle with my sexuality a tiny bit at times. Specifically dating men. I’m more comfortable in the homosexual community then I am in the heterosexual community.  It’s like I’ll date women for a while. Forget why I stopped dating men. Give one a chance again. And remember, Oh yeah, that’s why. I don’t really struggle with my sexuality though. It is what it is. Labeling it is silly. I’m going to be attracted to whom I’m attracted to. It might be easier on my own heart and maybe there’s, if I stayed out of their yard but can you really ever know if that’s really how that’s going to work out? Meh.

Then Therapist brought up something interesting (which I’m going to research and topic about). She asked me what my plans were in terms of relationships. I don’t have one. I’ve just been hanging out with friends. I’m happy with that for now. I have a very strong, tight knit group of friend.

One of the big problems I have with Tech Boy, especially when we have problems, but even in everyday conversation (or lack-there-of), is that we don’t have real discourse. I can’t present him with an idea and have him challenge it and present me with an opposing idea. He doesn’t challenge me in any way. I need someone that can, or is at least willing to. People like xRoommate, her Fiance, K, Twiggy, my Sister, are all people with very solid senses of their own identity. When I’m with these people I don’t feel lost within myself. When I’m with Tech Boy he’s so laid back, with so little passion and conviction, I feel rather left adrift. I’m completely myself, but I also feel like he doesn’t really care about anything. Which is fine for him. But I find it boring in a relationship. Sorry I’m mixing my ideas here a bit. Relationship wise I find Tech Boys lack of passion to be very boring, and lack of challenge boring, but I also maintain my identity. I don’t feel lost but I don’t feel  challenged. With people like xRoommate, her Fiance, and my friends, they’re very passionate people with really opinions, strong view points, that we don’t always agree on, but are usually well informed and we can discuss in a respectful manner. When they have a strong sense of themselves I don’t feel sucked into them. I feel challenged, moved, engaged, and also feel like I am able to maintain my own sense of self.

Now, people like this last crazy girl I dated. She had no sense of her own self. She was very passionate about everything but with a complete lack of her own sense of self I felt myself slipping right into her. It was so odd. I didn’t even mean to, it just happened. I had to consciously recognize and physically force myself to step back.

Therapist calls this Ego Diffusion and has a lot to do with that Borderline flexible sense of self. This is something I want to research more because it’s one thing I still need to work on a lot more when it comes to relationships. I’ve noticed this pattern before but I don’t think I’ve ever quite pulled it together this way. Especially in terms of what I need to think about

recognizing a Healthy Relationship Partner.

Otherwise Therapist thinks I’m doing extraordinarily well. Especially with the Topamax/Pristiq medication combination my binging is non-existent and even my drinking is at a minimum. My exercise is down due to stress/exhaustion but I’m working on that.

Therapist said she loved me and gave me a hug.  I’ve been with Therapist for a long time. People often argue that they don’t like the idea of talking to a stranger because why would you talk to a stranger that doesn’t care about you. Like any relationship I think the therapeutic relationship is one that you have to work on. It’s an interesting connection but a special one. I’ve been with Therapist for 2.5 years now. She sees me at my most vulnerable and I’m certain she won’t just up and leave me. At this point, I am also certain that she does, in fact, care for me. Sure I don’t think she just instantly cared about me as I was a stranger, but I do think she is the kind of person that cares for people because she is a caring person. She became a therapist to help people. But now, after all this time I think she cares about me as an individual as well. Don’t get me wrong, we have those healthy professional boundaries and all that, but it’s not something cold and clinical either. I do feel cared for. It’s definitely worth putting the time and effort into developing.

Also a therapeutic relationship: walking my cat. 

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Picking Fights… With Myself – Self Causing Anger

Today I want to talk about a phenomena that I’ve been catching myself at a lot lately. I make myself angry. A lot. I create scenarios in my mind. I play them out. Create dialogue. Create conversations with people. These conversations inevitably turn into arguments. Fights. I begin to argue with myself. Work myself up into a rage. Not just a rage. A pure boiling, seething, seeing red rage-tastic cauldron of emotion where I’m ready to tear down walls and can bring myself to tears.

Not out loud mind you. This usually all takes place in my mind where no one else can hear it or even knows it’s going on. I’ll pick fights with strangers. I’ll pick fights with loved ones. My exes. My currents significant other. Whomever. Sometimes it starts off as a way to work out a strategy or a way to work my way through something, a fear or a situation, but then it takes on a life of its own… .and I get legitimately, actually, really, truly ANGRY!

It’s been out of control lately.

It’s bad. Because sometimes this will happen and then it translates to being actually angry at that person. This part right here: Is not fair. I try very hard to catch myself at this so I don’t project this unfair anger at that person. I can’t say this hasn’t slipped on the rare occasion, and I’m sure it was wildly confusing when it did happen (though typically for me I remove myself from people altogether when I'm in these kinds of moods. I prefer no one see me like this)

. Though possibly a helpful explanation for a Loved One wondering why we were angry at them for no reason.

It’s especially hard when I’m having an actual fight and the fight continues in my head, even after the actual exchange of words has ceased happening.

I notice this happens more and more when there’s a breakdown of communication happening. If I can’t talk to the actual person that I need to I get frustrated. I need to talk so I do. If there not available to talk in person, I talk in my mind. Usually it wouldn’t be a bad idea to think about what you want to say in a conversation ahead of time to get your thoughts straight, but my emotions intertwine with the scenario and take over until they run away with it all.

I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. Hear me out.

Sure your first impulse will be to say these run away scenarios are bad. Of course anything that creates such destructive emotions would be bad. But! If you can imagine the worst case scenario and how you would handle it, or the resulting outcome you can also prepare for it, and see if that’s something you’d be able to live with. Without actually having to experience it. Without actually having to put someone else through that pain. It can help you figure out a better way to handle it before you actually get to that point. So maybe there’s a silver lining there.

I won’t lie. These mental meanderings of mine can get pretty viscous. Wrath is definitely my deadly sin. I’ve learning to keep that shit in check though and channel all of that constructively though. I’ve never actually had one of them play out the way they go down in my mind. After calming down the mental maelstrom and taking a big ::deep breath:: maybe with a healthy glass of wine they don’t play out that way.

They are wildly distracting though. And the source of some major mood swings. These aren’t anything new. Just more prominent currently.

Does anyone else do this? 

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