Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Do People with Borderline Personality Disorder Act Out When Love is Withheld?

The easy answer to this is often ‘yes’. If you use your love and affection as a weapon or a form of punishment, someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is going to feel threatened because this feels like a sign of abandonment and rejection.




However, it depends on the kind of person your Borderline loved one is. If they’re more an Acting Out type, they could get angry and express their rage. This was very much how I was when I was younger. I would lash out, bait and pick fights, act impulsively, shoplift, drink at parties…


If they’re more the Acting In type though, they might become more withdrawn, be more prone to take it out on themselves through self-harm, excessive drinking, racing, ruminating thoughts that act like a non-stop mental beatings, self-abuse…


Sometimes they might turn elsewhere, to someone else to find love and affection.   Not all people with BPD are prone to cheating, or if you are not in an established relationship at all it’s a moot point, but for someone that is terrified of abandonment and rejection, the first thing they may feel the need to do, is validate that they are still wanted. If you’re not willing to do it, then someone else might. If you’re withholding love, they may go where love is not being withheld. 



The interesting thing is, the thought process isn’t typically a conscious one. It’s not, “Well if you won’t love me, someone else will so I’ll go find that.” It’s more subtle and insidious. It’s typically – I hurt. I’m in pain. I feel alone and abandoned. I don’t know if my partner still wants me. I’m bad. What if I’m never good enough again. I need to stop feeling this way. Anything to stop feeling this way …. That’s often when things like self-harm, drinking, anything to dull the overwhelming feelings of anxiety, depression, or anger start to kick in. Things can escalate from there. The Acting In, Acting Out, whatever, they tend to be an escape, a way to manage the pain and fear, the overwhelming feelings, not a conscious end game.  That’s how it was for me at least. I didn’t really know it at the time. All I knew was that I was reacting to how I was feeling, not really thinking it through. That’s what acting impulsively is though.



Withholding love, in any relationship is dysfunctional. When problems arise it’s okay to take a step back to regroup, let tensions calm down for a few minutes so that you can address the problem calmly, but then you should try to re-establish a productive communication as soon as possible. Especially when your partner has a Borderline Personality Disorder you need to work on keeping communication open and reassuring so they are aware that you are not actually abandoning them.  It doesn’t matter who started it either. When you care about someone and you’re trying to work through difficult issues, it’s important not to focus on blame so that no one feels attacked. You can certainly discuss how things make you feel and what the issue is, but it’s important to try to do so in a non-blaming, non-confrontational way. Always try to remain mindful of the other persons feelings and perspective. It’s okay to disagree; it’s okay to not understand. It’s never okay to invalidate another person’s feelings though. Validation isn’t about agreeing, it’s about understanding that another person feels the way they do and it’s okay that they do. This goes for both partner. It’s also important to be reassuring from the start, that things can be worked out, they will be, and that you are willing to listen and hear what is going on.  Investing time to work on effective communication builds trust and will work to lessen the times of Acting In and Acting Out. 



Monday, November 4, 2013

How Trauma Affects the Brain

Today I thought I’d talk about something that affects many people, those of us with BPD and those of us without it. In the past I railed against the idea of my PTSD diagnosis due to the sexual trauma and abuse I’ve experienced, but the more we talk about it the more it makes sense. Especially in the sense that I keep having dreams, flashing thoughts, and inescapable sadness and depressions brought on by triggering episodes related to those incidents. It’s something I’m slowly coming to grips with. Trauma is a terrible experience for anyone. Trauma for someone that is already hypersensitized to emotions and the experiences they face can be exponentially worse. It feels like a punishment. As if the event itself wasn’t bad enough, but not being able to let go of certain events, situations, things people have said to you… having a mind that constantly throws them to the foreground of your thoughts. It often feels like I’m constantly being punished by my past, unable to escape it.

Many if not most, people with BPD have a history of trauma of one kind or another. What's more, things that most people don't feel to be traumatic, we often do, they're amplified due to our highly perceptive natures. 

So I thought I would share this article on How Trauma Affects the Brain. It’s not just you. It’s not just that you aren’t able to let go or move on. Your brain is physically holding on to certain things.



Posted on October 23, 2013 by Michele Rosenthal

Have you ever had someone say to you any of these things:

“PTSD isn’t real; it’s all in your head”
“Just get over it already!”
“Only veterans get PTSD”?

I speak all over the country about PTSD symptoms. Mostly, these audiences are comprised of civilians: survivors, caregivers and healing professionals. Sometimes, too, there are people who have no PTSD connection but have been invited to hear the presentation. Inevitably, whether it’s before the presentation has started or after it has finished someone addresses me to say some variation of one of those three things (on a really awful day, all three!).

Why don’t people “get” what it means to struggle with PTSD?


Essential PTSD Information

As a PTSD survivor, I hated those comments while I was in recovery. They made me feel powerless, invalidated, stupid, pathetic and as if people believed I was actuallychoosing to feel as miserable as I did.

Now, as a healing professional, I make it a point to educate everyone I meet about what symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder are, where they come from and what can make them go away.

I don’t think most people intend to be unkind or dismissive when they say the things. We, as survivors, hear them as hurtful. I think they really just don’t get PTSD, or what it means to live with it. A few years ago, I wrote 10 Tips for Understanding Someone with PTSD. It was meant to inform outsiders what it means to be on the inside.

3 Facts on How Trauma Affects the Brain

Those ten things were my own ideas about why we behave the way we do and what we need while we’re working on coping. It occurs to me now there is even more basic information that we, as survivors, need to spread around: The science of PTSD, which we know now more than ever. So, today, three important facts about how trauma affects the brain that every survivor should know — and share with those who don’t understand:

Fact #1:

During trauma your amygdala (an almond-shaped mass located deep in your inner your brain) is responsible for emotions and actions motivated by survival needs. In threatening situations it:
  • increases your arousal and autonomic responses associated with fear
  • activates the release of stress hormones
  • engages your emotional response
  • decides what memories are stored and where they should be placed around the cortex
  • applies feeling, tone and emotional charge to memory (including the creation of ‘flashbulb memory’: when strong emotional content remains connected to a visceral experience of fear or threat.)
  • Your amygdala tunes to dominant experiences. The fear induced by trauma makes a deep imprint on your amygdala and hypersensitizes it to danger, which makes it seek out threat everywhere. In some PTSD cases, the amygdala has actually been shown to enlarge through excessive use. (In healing, this change often reverses.)


Fact #2:
  • Adjacent to the amygdala, the hippocampus is responsible for the formation, organization, storage and retrieval of memories. Technically, it converts them from short-term to long-term, sending them to the appropriate parts of your outer brain for storage. Trauma, however, hijacks this process: the hippocampus is prevented from transforming the memories and so those memories remain in an activated, short-term status. This stops the memories from being properly integrated so that their effects diminish. In some cases, when the hippocampus’ function is suppressed, it has been shown to shrink. (In healing, this change often reverses, too.)


Fact #3

Lastly, the prefrontal cortex (located in the front, outer most layer of your brain) contributes two important elements of recall: Your left frontal lobe specializes in storing memories of individual events; your right frontal lobe specializes in extracting a theme or main point from a series of events. After trauma, a few things can occur:
  • your lower brain processes responsible for instinct and emotion override the inhibitory strength of the cortex, so that the cortex cannot properly stop inappropriate reactions or refocus your attention.
  • blood flow to the left prefrontal lobe can decrease, so you have less ability for language, memory and other left lobe functions.  (I suspect this is why it's harder to focus on happier things) 
  • blood flow to your right prefrontal lobe can increase, so you experience more sorrow, sadness and anger.



There are many reasons why we know PTSD is not “all in your head”, and why you can’t “just get over it”. With the three offered above, I’m hoping we can start a conversation around proof of what you and I know to be true: if PTSD were easy to heal from, you would have done it yesterday. Since it isn’t, respect must be paid and support given.



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