Saturday, August 30, 2014

Whirlwind Life

I’m so sorry I’ve been away. My life has been such a whirlwind.


This new job has been kicking my ass.  In the best way possible, my you. I love it! But I work really long hours. It’s so fulfilling to have a job that is challenging and that does something that I believe in. And not too mention, sends me all kinds of crazy places. Plus everyone I work with is amazing.


And then there’s my personal life. Everything is so hectic.


I have to move. Again. No bad reasons or anything, it’s just how things worked out. And it’ll be the first time I’m getting a place on my own. I’m actually really worried about it. I’m going to miss Monroe, and I’m really worried about separating our cats. The kitten is 2 years old now but she’s grown up with my cat. She’s never not had him. I actually had a nightmare about that. I woke up crying. I want to keep her. In the same night I had two other nightmares just about moving. Moving is so stressful. I am so compulsive about it too. I researched every possible available option. Cost per month vs. utilities vs. square footage vs. amenities vs. proximity to where I want to be vs. whether undesirable people can get in…. I am actually really happy about the place I found.  Therapist is sort of dismissing my fear of living alone though and that troubles me a bit. On the one hand I’m sure I’ll be fine, b/c I always deal with what I’m handed, but it doesn’t ease my anxiety. I felt like she was dismissing that a little. I don’t like being alone. I don’t need someone to pay attention to me all the time, but just having someone around, having someone in the next room, knowing their presence is there… it’s comforting. I don’t like to be alone.


Bat and I are still wonderful. He took a new job and his hours are ridiculous which is a little distressing for me but I’m doing okay. He clearly adores me. We did have our first “fight”, which was not really a fight at all, but a pretty reasoned discussion. I was so scared to have it though.  He has this hobby that I fully support and I love that he has something that he loves. But lately when I’ve been over he’s only been doing that and I’ve sat there doing nothing until I’ve fallen asleep. He’s talked to me while he’s done it, but it’s not something we can do together and I feel kind of neglected. Especially when I look forward so much to seeing him all week and then as soon as we get to his place all he does is tinker with his stuff and I sit there doing nothing. I was so hesitant to say anything to him about it though b/c he has so little free time and I really do want him to keep at his hobby, but if he want me there, then I would really like to be doing something together, otherwise I’m just kind of feeling ignored. I finally talked to him about it thought. I thought about what I wanted to say for a couple days so it wouldn’t just be an angry emotional word vomit. Shockingly he understood.


Beyond that, my Sister and my best friend (xRoommate) are getting married; in September and October respectively. I am their Maid of Honor. In both weddings. Which means planning two bridal showers, two bachelor/bachelorette parties, constantly working on decorations, baking (I’m doing all of the baking), figuring out brides maid dresses, travel out of state… plus Bat is coming with me to my sister’s wedding. So that should be interesting... meeting my entire family for the first time.  


My schedule has/will been: Boston, Figure out how to move, Move, Go to the UK for work, Touch Down/switch planes/Go to the Midwest for Sisters Bridal Shower/Bachelorette Party, (two weeks later) Sister’s wedding, (next weekend) xRoommate Bridal Shower, (two weeks later) Bachelorette Party, (next weekend), xRoommate Wedding. 



And I’m planning all of the Bridal Shower/Party stuff along with all of my moving and all of my usual work stuff.


I talked to my parents the other night just to catch up. My mother is going in for heart surgery this week. She’s been having random racing heartbeats and palpitations for no reason at all causing dizziness and fainting. She’s very active and eats a healthy diet. She is thin, not overweight at all. She’s a nurse so she’s health conscious and medically aware. This is was a huge shocker for me. Heart problems run in my family. Usually they’re attributed to extremely poor diets and smoking though. That’s 90% of the reason I’ve been vegetarian for the last 22 years. So this is really freaking me out. I’m really worried about her. Apparently the surgery is pretty routine, nothing she should be too concerned about, but it’s still freaking heart surgery. Ugh.


And the most ridiculous thing of all? I missed my period this month. I started a new birth control pill that my doctor recommended. I take it exactly as prescribed. I’m extremely regular. And then I wa

s late. Very late. As it turns out… one of most common side effects of this pill is not having your period.
  I scoured the internet and forums to find that thousands of women had the same scare. I still took a pregnancy test, and it came back negative, but holy crap was that stressful.  I feel like I’m going to have to do that every month now if I end up never having a period (which might happen).



Update: So….. Bat and I talked last night and he wants to move in together. Things have been going really well. Our work schedules have been extremely hectic though (especially since he’s a chef and works crazy hours) so we haven’t gotten to spend the time we did at the beginning of our relationship. He told me he missed that and living together would give us the chance to see each other even with our crazy schedules. It would take care of my not wanting to live alone too. 


I had a quick heart palpitation  as soon as he brought it up (not because of him)… as soon as Evil-Ex and I moved in together (the only other partner I’ve lived with) his entire personality changed. He went from charming and fun, to mood, manipulative, and avoidant. He started cheating on me, “needing his space”, he turned into a completely different person… he couldn’t maintain the mask. I talked to xRoommate about it. So funny, she hated Evil-Ex from minute one. All of my friends and my sister said the same thing. I wish any of them had said anything. Bat is nothing like that though. He’s very steady. We’ve spent so much time together already I feel like I have a handle on who he is and I don’t foresee him changing suddenly. He’s not anyone else. He’s him. Plus he wants to move in to spend more time with me. Not just use me for my money or as his “meal ticket” as one of Evil-Exes friends used to refer to me as.



It’s a big step though. It definitely makes me happy that he wants to be closer to me. I love the idea and I want to do it. 

I’m extremely overwhelmed but I feel like all I can do is take it one day at a time and prepare as best I can so I’m not panicking. It’s a lot. Fortunately a glass or two of wine helps. ::head desk:: 




Life is ridiculous sometimes. 





7 comments:

  1. Wow you're life sounds so busy right now. I'm glad your relationship is going well. Remember to communicate no matter what, always. Once communication dies..it's toast. You're life seems hectic but in an exciting and fulfilling way. I hope moving in works out, and that your mother's surgery goes well

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  2. I hope it all goes well! I'm sure your current guy is nothing like your evil ex.

    Hope to see you update soon!

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  3. I miss reading this blog so much, hope you update it soon with new information about BPD/mental disorders and yourself :) -sending you love and peace-

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  4. Have you given up on this blog haven?

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  5. I just wanted to say that I miss your blog posts. I'm dating/living with someone with a diagnosis of bpd, and although she's been in mbt therapy for over a year, we still have our occasional conflicts which are confusing to me. Your blog entries have often given me insight/perspective into these conflicts, and I can barely express how grateful I am for all that you share. Thank you!

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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