Friday, June 13, 2014

Just a bit of a Ramble

Hello Everyone,

I know I’ve been gone for quite some time. You’ve been in my thoughts. Nearly every day in fact.  I’ve wanted to write and be here. Honestly I didn’t feel like I had anything to say or contribute. I’ve been in something of a rut. Not a real depression, at least not the way I’m used to feeling depression, but just a serious funk.

There hasn’t really been anything wrong, but there hasn’t been anything right either.

I haven’t felt like there was anything for me going on that I could really contribute to the world b/c I didn’t feel like I was really much a part of it. Just sort of going through the motions and floating through day to day. That would make for very tedious writing.

Things have been getting better and worse.  Which for the most part, I guess is good. I don’t like feeling nothing. I would rather feel something than nothing.

So much and nothing at all has been happening. I’ve felt like I’ve been in one endless holding pattern. Small things that I’d hoped for I’ve been disillusioned of. This is actually fine for me. At least in that I found closure and was able to solidly move on from it. I would rather know one way or the other about something than to have to endlessly wonder. Even if it was not the ideal outcome. It’s the uncertainty that I find most maddening.

Up front. It’s an attribute I find incredibly appealing in people. When someone is not straight forward with me I find I get easily frustrated. Looking back, these are often the people that have caused the most turmoil in me. The people that have made me the most anxious, the most stressed out, the most emotionally turbulent are the people that have tried to play games, keep me guessing, made me wonder about their motives…. Don’t get me wrong, a little mystery and flirtation is one thing, but it’s the rest of the bullshit and keeping you guessing that is the problem.

When things get good, there are inevitably lows that come with the highs. I don’t even mean wild ups and downs either. Just yanno, being happy about something new, high… and then an accidental someone steps on a sore point and you have to explain a bad subject b/c they don’t know any better, low. I don’t mind that so much. I’m more ashamed of it than anything. I still struggle with that.  I feel like that’s basic human nature though. To not like something about ourselves that we aren’t proud of.   Maybe I’m more touchy than is normal, but that’s par for the course.  I’ve learned that one small “flaw” doesn’t define my whole. I have much more to contribute as whole person. And in general I am very happy with who I am. Even when my mood is kind of funky I have a lot to offer in the world. Even alone and being a solitary creature I create.  Not everyone will like me, or get me, and that’s okay. The people that are close to me certainly do. The people that I care for seem to care back and that means I great deal.

I must be doing something right after all this time =) If I can do it certainly it means that everyone else can to.

I’m rambling. I’ll not be such a stranger now, shall I?


Thursday, June 12, 2014

Bye Bye Back Up

I’m off my medication right now. 

It does not feel good to feel this way when I know there is a better way to feel. Not by choice I assure you. My insurance changed and it doesn’t cover my Pristiq. Pristiq is insanely expensive out of pocket and right now I simply can’t afford it. I’m petitioning my insurance company but it’s taking a very long time. I just found out that part of the reason it’s taking so long is because even though I talked to my Psychiatrists office the day I submitted the request, they have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to get ahold of my insurance company in order to simply confirm that my medication is necessary. That is all the office has to do, say Yes this medication is necessary, and it will be covered. Call a number, which I found for them, gave to them, tell them Yes, and then the Insurance company will cover it. It’s been weeks. It’s extremely frustrating.

What’s extra aggravating is my pharmacy gives me texts messages to tell me with my prescriptions are filled. Since my prescriptions have been in review my pharmacy told me they would let me know when they were out of review and were ready to be picked up. I’ve gotten four false alarms.  It’s not any persons fault. It’s an automated system I believe so there is no person to be angry at. The people at my pharmacy are all very lovely and helpful, but it’s very stressful to get your hopes up that something finally worked out only to find out that, yet again, nothing actually happened. Disheartening really. 

My emotions and my moods have been back on edge for some time now. It’s amazing to realize how much my medication evens out my depression and stabilizes the turmoil. I feel like there’s a thin glass panel barely concealing what is roiling there sometimes. Fortunately I’ve had enough years in therapy that my self-awareness of what I’m experiencing is now controllable and I’ve learned to express what I’m feeling in a workable manner. It doesn’t feel good though. Not at all.

I’m sad so much more now. And much more anxious. Especially with a new relationship I also feel my old insecurities popping back up and I second guess myself all the time once more. He’s been good for me though. Where I think I would have been simply depressed I’ve found a lot of happiness lately and that’s been amazing. Though I do find that I get exhausted a bit more quickly, and stressed out more easily if something triggers me. Fortunately my communication is very good now and it’s fairly easy to talk through that. It’s good to have all those therapeutic techniques to back me up when I don’t have my medication to stabilize my brain chemicals. He seems to understand that too, and is okay with it. 

I really don’t know how much longer I can stand not having my SNRI though. This is not a fun feeling. 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Good Natured Teasing, Really?

I’m dating someone new. I have been for almost a month now. I’ve dated a lot of men and women. I generally get on better with women emotionally, though physically with men is a different. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just easier than talking to them or, honestly, letting them get closer to me emotionally. Regardless, that’s not what this is about.

This guy, we’ll call him B, is probably one of the sweetest, most considerate men I’ve ever dated. I’ve never dated a guy that wanted to spend so much time with me right away, or ever really. **Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the men I’ve dated wanted to spend time with me, but we went on our 2nd date, and it’s been a month and I can’t actually say that it’s technically ended. We’ve spent every bit of our spare time together for the last month.**.  He routinely buys things for me that have to do with my extremely geeky interests, that he has no interest in at all, b/c he loves how much I love them.  I cook. I bake. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone cook for me. He does. I had a bad sinus infection for a few days… so I didn’t expect to see him at all b/c no guy I’ve ever dated ever bothered to try to “take care of me” while I was sick before. I planned to sniffle and game on-line. He came over, made me dinner, bought ice cream and did all my dishes. (I made him cupcakes).  I keep waiting for some other shoe to drop and for him to just be an asshole, but he’s not. He’s adorable, and sweet, and grumpy in that “get off my lawn you damn kids” kinds of way that is exactly how I usually feel. He’s really great.

However… and I’m saying this in a way as to express it so as to show that I honestly feel it is more my hang up, than it is anything that he’s doing…

He teases me. He pokes fun at me for things. Random things and because I can be very serious about stuff. It hurts my feelings. I’m honestly not sure why. I believe I am the one overreacting about this, because he never does anything in a hurtful, condescending, or mean way. I make sure not to show that this stuff bothers me unless it gets to be too much. And then thankfully I can utilize the years of therapy I’ve had, collect my thoughts, and explain why things bother me. But even knowing that he has absolutely zero intention of making me uncomfortable or unhappy, the teasing still hurts me to an irrational level. It makes me angry, honestly. From the start, when I started this blog, I said Anger was my deadly sin. However, I’ve noticed that with the anger, I’ve also identified it’s source. It’s coming from a place of shame and insecurity.

My entire life, from one person or another, be it my father or an abusive ex-boyfriend, I’ve been told I wasn’t good enough. The teasing to me, feels like a jab at my character.  Jabbing at my character, who I am as a person, feels like you’re picking at my flaws… Picking at my flaws means there’s things that are wrong with me, and if I’m that flawed of a person, what could possibly be there for you to stick around for? I’m not perfect enough. I’m not enough of what you want. So clearly, leaving, abandonment, must be the next step yes? Probably not, unless I decide to make it happen that way, but that’s the way my brain seems to function.

Honestly I think he should have just as many abandonment issues, if not more, than I do, but he seems okay now, except he keeps pretty much everyone at a distance. That he let me in at all, is pretty big.

I don’t want to overreact. I’ve been very careful to let him know when he pushes me too far. It’s very early in this relationship. There is no way for him to know everything about me, or me about him. We’re still learning a lot about each other. I’m very upfront with my past and my level of brokenness. When he pushes me too much I really do try very hard to hold in my emotions, clear my head, collect my thoughts, and explain logically (and non-judgmentally!) why something he did bothers me. 

It should never be about blame. What is good natured ribbing to him, and I absolutely recognize it as such… still is triggering to me. I feel incredibly dysfunctional that I’ve had so many people in my life that have broken my ability to just see the humor in simple things without feeling hurt by them. **I’m actually in tears writing this**.

I want to be someone that isn’t hung up on that kind of pain. The combination of being off my meds (Another post- I really can’t afford them) but also having actually had a past with abusive people and a ridiculous life, it’s something I have to deal with as my reality. It’s okay for me to have problems because of my past. As long as I deal with them logically, and explain them rationally, and don’t simply react impulsively… which is often the problem with BPD… everything should be okay. That’s how normal people function, yes?

I’ve been so broken by the exes that told me I was worthless though. By a father that told me I wouldn’t be lovable. Every time I feel myself saying something “wrong” or simply “that makes me uncomfortable, I’m sorry, but here’s why….. “, I feel like it’ll probably be the end.

I’ve gotten much better about speaking my mind. Not settling for the bullshit, abusive treatment that I had in the past. But I’m still hyper vigilant that I’m going to do or say something wrong and it sets my anxiety into overdrive.

Thankfully through therapy I’ve learned to rationally discuss my issues or whatever problem comes up. Very quickly! He hit a big one or two pretty quick and he was incredibly receptive to what I had to say, which shouldn’t be shocking to me, but it was. Even now, I expect all men to treat me like my Evil-Ex or The One or any of the multitudes that were just in it for what they wanted out of it. Even in the face of someone very different, that kind of abuse stays with you. It actually is something of a Post Traumatic Response when people do certain things. It’s not the new persons fault, they don’t know! However, it’s triggering, and we need to know our triggers and be able to convey those problems accordingly!

I’m pretty sure that’s all that this teasing issue has been for me. It compounds on my personal insecurities. Never feeling good enough, being told I’ve not worthwhile, all of the things that go with being in abusive relationships and the shitty things that people before have done to you…. It always feels like an attack. One you’re not allowed to defend against, otherwise the person with have a ridiculous temper tantrum (Go GO Evil-Ex!) and punish you in some way. I also grew up with a highly critical father so “teasing” to me mostly sounds like criticism. It sounds like something that’s wrong with me. Something that makes me less worthy of being with that person. Which… as far as I can tell, is pretty much the exact opposite of what good natured teasing is all about.

Which is why it’s important to be able to take a step back and look at the persons real intentions. My Evil Ex would have actually be trying to hurt me with the things he said to me. B is just trying to be sweet and familiar. Everything with him is good natured and isn’t out to make himself look good, it’s just an attempt to be close to me. I can appreciate an attempt to be close to me, even if he doesn’t quite understand  yet, that I’m not as good about teasing.  
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