It’s been a very long time since I’ve written or updated. I removed the majority of the spam. I don’t know if my blog has actually been down or not. I had an official domain but GoDaddy never gives me renewal notices and it apparently lapses which may make it impossible to find the site. The last time they did that they wanted to charge me over $100 just to use my domain. No thanks. So I’ll just be sticking with the blogspot domain.
There have been three main reasons I haven’t been blogging.
- One of my friends told me my Evil-Ex had found my blog and I got very paranoid. I’m not sure if this is actually true or if he just didn’t like the fact that I referred to some of our interactions. His girlfriend had found it and showed him and he did express displeasure. I don’t use anyone’s name – this blog is for me so I was extremely anxious and unhappy about this
- My relationship with Bats. I need it to be about us and not fodder for my blog. As so much of what triggers me or what helps me is tied to him, it’s hard to write about my every day without including him and I don’t want our relationship public.
- I haven’t had time. I work very long hours. I was promoted to the Head of my own division which I’m building. By the time I get home I barely have time to shower, see Bats, and feed/play with my cats. I’ve had an enormous amount of stress and anxiety from work, but I believe this is normal stress and anxiety in general from working a high pressure job (only the occasional panic attack or irrational anger).
I’m doing very well. Well, okay. I just got back from visiting my family and that can only go so well when your mother has no sense of personal space or boundaries. I’m still with Bats and fortunately he was there to mediate. That helped enough to get through the week.
Relationship: Bats and I have been together for about 1 year and 7 months now. Living together for a year and three. Yes, we moved in together after 4 months. That was a bit overwhelming at first but once we established our routines and had the occasional “fight” which really lead to us communicating our needs better (and civilly), it’s worked out very well. We also adopted a kitten together =)
Work: As I mentioned I was promoted. I am the head of my own division now. Which still includes the responsibilities of my regular job, but now with new and improved piles of work to do! It’s rewarding and exhausting at the same time.
Therapy: I’m out of therapy. Officially. I didn’t just stop going. My therapist had graduated me back to coming once a month. To be honest this was a difficult schedule to keep. I do much better when my schedule is highly structured and I’m there routinely. Once a month was pretty useless. The whole point being that I rarely had anything of significance to discuss and it was primarily a check in to see how I was doing.
Unfortunately I think my therapist was so convinced of my progress, the healing I’ve done, and the coping skills I’ve developed, that when I did occasionally express something I felt was a real issue – she only gave it passing consideration. I felt those conversations always went very quickly from me describing my dilemma and how I handled it (which I’m very adept at doing now), to her being proud that I handled it but not exploring the issue beyond the surface events. I often felt like she was brushing past something I needed to talk about further. Idk, perhaps she believes I’m capable of handling and digesting these things on my own now. She must be as it was decided I no longer needed a regular therapist. Though I can always call for an appointment if I need one.
On the one hand I feel I may have outgrown this therapy. I didn’t feel like I was getting anything out of my sessions any longer so it made sense. On the other, I’m a little sad. Therapist was probably the only adult fixture I’ve had in my life. Not that my friends and I aren’t adults, but a more adult type of adult. The kind that has lived life longer so they know things and you can actually go to them for counseling. I’ve never had that before. I definitely felt some abandonment twinges (even though this was my decision too!) – but only as passing sadness really. I think that’s normal.
Medication: I’m almost completely off my medication. I had gone to see my Psychiatrist – told him I felt over medicated (100mg Pristiq, 200mg Topamax) because in the morning at work my head felt kind of fuzzy and I wasn’t able to focus or concentrate. His solution? Up my Topamax to 300mg. Jerk. I tried that for about a week until I realized that was probably why I was having vicious dreams, flailing and kicking in my sleep, and waking up both myself and Bats. I immediately went back to my regular dose and that stopped. I’ve since been weaned off the Pristiq completely and am on about 50mg of the Topamax.
I initially wanted to adjust my medication because that coupled with the birth control I was on. I wasn’t sure which one was zapping my sex drive. (Though frankly it might have just been stress, anxiety, and/or not eating great – so many things can affect this). Going off my birth control hasn’t changed much, which doesn’t surprise me because I’ve never had that kind of reaction to birth control (Except Seasonique/Seasonale – that shit is the devil). As soon as I started lowering the Pristiq I could feel my sex drive normalizing again. I honestly can’t tell if the Topamax does anything for me but now that I'm on very little of it I'm not as fuzzy and I can concentrate better.
I’m not sure if staying off medication will be my forever route, but one thing’s for sure…. I will be getting a new Psychiatrist before I start anything new. Psychiatrist never seems to listen to what I tell him. While I’m sure there are legitimate medical reasons for his choices – he needs to listen to me when I tell him something is wrong or isn’t okay. Always make sure you have a good working relationship with you doctors and therapists! If they stop listening to you, there are others out there that will. You pay them to help you! You are not bound to go to them if they aren’t helping you the way that you need.
I’m in a happy, loving relationship, work is progressing rapidly, graduated from therapy, and almost completely off my medication. I don’t know if you can be cured from this, but I certainly feel like I have learned to cope and have developed the skills I need to be in control of my own life – not my maladaptive impulses controlling me. That doesn’t mean I don’t have good days and bad days. Or that occasionally new things don’t come up. I’m capable of recognizing what is happening though and taking appropriate and responsible action for myself. 9 times out of 10 anyways. Everyone screws up sometimes.
I will try to post occasionally again, though probably not every day. Or even every week. Let me know if there are things you’d like me to look into.