Tuesday, November 1, 2016

The Blankets Have Accepted Me

I have always been very high-functioning. Even in my worst depressions I get up at the crack of dawn, run 6 miles, go to work, clean the house, work on some of my crafty projects, and snuggle my cats. That's a lazy day. 

Lately, it's taken everything in my power just to drag my ass out of bed. I will lay there for hours, curled under the blankets, unable to even turn over so my arm regains feeling. 

I'm always so exhausted. I have no motivation. I feel like I have absolutely no purpose in life. Even my memory is suffering lately. 

Everyone has ups and downs along the road to mental health - which is a lifelong journey, not a single destination - but damn, this is one fork in the road I have not experienced before. 

My highly scientific research into the matter, which has included googling "Why am I so exhausted all of the time" has basically told me it's either anemia or depression as all of the other suggestions are not medically probable. Shocker.  

There's a chance I may be mildly anemic. I'm vegetarian so I routinely lack enough iron in my diet, but that's nothing new. 

The feelings of utter hopelessness and thoughts that should-I-kill-myself-my-cat-would-be-distraught-and-not-understand-why-I-abandoned-him being the only thing keeping me alive... leads me to believe my depression is worse then usual. 

A clue! 

Now to fix it. That's always the hard part isn't it. Outline a plan. I can at least do that. 

I need to find a different primary job. The president of my company is an abusive douche nozzle that doesn't mind yelling at his employees and berating them publicly. Plus the sexism that permeates that place is all too casual. Morale there is dismal. 

Eat better. I took a second job working for a friend of mine to help pay for my mother's medical bills. I never remember to bring decent food with me and all they have there is junk, which we are allowed to consume for free. Bonus: I discovered I'm allergic to diet soda. I need to start making big crock pots of food at the beginning of the week so I can just load up and have something to take with me that's healthy. 

Exercise more/more effectively. I am currently working out. I'm even managing to run. Yesterday I did 4 miles on the treadmill. Plus an ab workout. Plus some weight training. It's nowhere near the caliber of work out that I used to do though. It's my mindset. I'm having an extremely difficult time pushing myself, motivating myself. But I do keep trying. 

Vitamins. Daily multi-vitamin. B-complex. Iron. Lots of water. 

Alcohol. Drink less of it.   

Well, there it is. That's a workable plan. Now let's see how well I implement it. 


  1. I am very sorry for your current situation and the effect it's having on your mood and life. Your blog has made a huge difference in my life in the years I have been reading it, as I deal with my own issues (anxiety) that is a near-constant presence.

    I hope you will keep writing, if it helps.

    It sounds pretty simple, and I hope this thought isn't too patronizing, but what keeps me going through the lows (especially the really deep, unexpected ones) is that they aren't permanent. I've HAD the good days/weeks, and part of me knows that I will again. That's worth living for.

    All the best to you.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. It may be simple, but it's a good thought to keep in mine. I've told myself this countless times over the years. Thank you for the reminder.

  2. I miss your posts, Haven, and I hope you are doing O.K...

  3. I also hope you're doing alright. I've been diagnosed aplenty and have come to see your writings as friendly commiseration. All I can offer for help is kind words and the wisdom that alcohol and Borderline (or any mental illness) don't mix well.


Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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