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  1. Hi Haven this is Paul here I am sorry to here that you are not so well at the moment I hope that you will be ok
    I am not very good with words some times and I don't always know what the right thing to say is but I wish there was something that I could do to help you I hate to see people in pain but I know that it is a part of life and we have to go through it I know that this will sound like a cliche and I suppose it is but I really feel your pain right now. I think that I am feeling very borderline right now feeling extremely emotionally raw like a burn victim all of my nerve endings are super sensitive and the slightest thing can reduce me to a blubbering heap. I keep telling myself that I will get through this I tell myself that I CAN get through this but I feel so drained so tired I feel like I just want to give up go to sleep and never wake up. I hate going to bed because I know that I am going to wake up again I hate it. Haven what I am trying to say here is that I really do understand how you are feeling and that I get so much strength and encouragement from you that I hate not being able to do the same for you
    I don't think that I making much sense right now I am sorry I think that I am just making things worse as you can probably see I am not very good at relationships and my that I mean any kind as in friendships I seam to just keep putting my big foot in it. Sorry I really do hope that you will be ok I really would be lost without you. you see what I mean now about words I know that sounds really really dramatic but that is why I am not very good with words I know what I am trying to say when I say that I would be lost without you..... I am trying to convey how upset how much pain I would be in if anything happened to you I know how this might be coming across I am NOT thinking that...!
    Oh you know I think that I will just stop right there before I dig that hole any deeper God I am such an Idiot this is why I leave the writing to you Haven you now what you are doing I hope you are ok your friend Paul

  2. Haven,
    I posted this on a comment to one of your blogs, but I really wanted to make sure that you got a HUGE thank you because you have really helped me!
    Until Now, I never knew that this was the name for what I have been experiencing my whole life! I guess I have managed pretty well. I am the "Take it and Take it until I blow" girl. I am with a man who has had serious issues for the past 2 1\2 yrs and I have been emotionally battered. I took what I could get from him in the beginning and then started the push/pull cycle. Whats ironic is that after several doctors and diagnosises his final diagnosis stood as BPD with PTSD. Man did I pick a beutiful mess! I love him dearly and we love and fight so passionately. Its a very volatile relationship. I spent a lot of time reading about fight or flight mode with the PTSD diagnosis and tried everything I could to stick out the pain in our relationship. What I didnt do until the middle of a push/pull breakup...was read about BPD. Then I stumbled on to your site and god bless you because you write every single thing that I feel everyday of my life. OMG! How I ever missed this is beyond me. But now I know why our very passionate relationship is so damn hard. Thank you! I really need to keep reading...this was like a long overdue answer to all of my questions of which I have thousands now. I have read so much already, but I feel so much better knowing that my life has been very misguided and I feel hopeful in trying to fix it. I really paid attention to the BPD/BPD combination blog because I really want this to work... I need more advice. I know its going to be rough, but knowing is half of the battle right?? Its like Im in a war and someone just gave me another sword to fight with. Tell me more. MORE! MORE! MORE!

    1. ::smiles:: Knowing is absolutely half the battle.

      Oh man, do I know the "Take it and Take it until I blow". That's me too.

      I'm so glad that what I write has given you some explanation and has helped you so much. It makes having to have gone through so much pain just a little more bearable to hear that what I've been through has helped someone else.

      If you ever have specific questions you'd like me to answer; please feel free to ask!

  3. Haven, reading your words is like looking into myself. thankyou for letting me know i am not alone.

    1. I 2nd this statement above..... .

  4. I am involved in an affair with a married woman who has BPD. I've known and been involved with this woman (mostly as friends) for the past 30 years. We went to high school together. About 5 years ago we became more deeply involved-- head over heels, seemingly for both of us. The "honeymoon" period lasted about a year, followed by what now, in retrospect, appears to have been 4 years of low scale emotional "warfare," (devaluation, and distancing, with occasional bouts of reconciliation.) I didn't know, at least initially, she had BPD, until I entered therapy and began exploring our ups and downs and figuring out why she was so tempestuous and fragile AND unreasonable. I don't understand how long her phases of devaluation and denigration typically last. Can you tell me what you're experience is like in regard to phases of devaluation and denigration of those with whom you've been in love, or otherwise emotionally involved with. A few months ago she said that we could never be friends or lovers. This has been shattering for me, because I'm in love with her and have always wanted the best. The thought of never being able to see her again is overwhelming. I assume that she sincerely meant it when she said goodbye to me, but it is hard for me to believe because we have been friends for so long. I genuinely care for her, even if we were never to be lovers again. The thought of losing her for ever is devastating.

    1. You wrote this over a year ago, so I hope you receive my reply. I am currently in almost the exact situation except I'm the one who's married and he's not with what I strongly suspect is BPD. I've read that a relationship such as ours is exactly the type BPD's are drawn to because of the distance. We've been doing this on and off for 15 years. When we started he was married too. It pains me tremendously to watch him spiral out of control. I don't know how to suggest he might have BPD...maybe I don't. I thought about showing him this website. He is a master at the push/pull, and I on the receiving end am left with physical pain from the mental anguish. I'm ready to walk away but love and care for him so much, that I want to help. At the end of the day though, he needs to want to help himself, and I can't save him...only he can. Nice blog....I could have written it myself.

  5. Haven, reading your blog has been like a release to me. All my life i have known i have been different but i never knew what it was. I have lost so many loved ones and friends through my inability to be normal!
    I now realise i have a problem and want so much to fix it. It gets so intense and difficult when I am turbulent i hate myself afterwards, wishing to turn the clock back. The hardest thing is I never learn from these messes. I so much want to be at peace with myself, to love and be loved.

  6. I admire your attempt to make sense of your emotional life through systematic reading of the scientific literature and your own reflection. I follow a similar path. It's hard work, and even a good intellectual understanding is not always enough to sustain us through confusing and conflicting feelings.

  7. Anonymous September 2 2012, Have you directed your comment to Haven or myself?

  8. Hi Haven,
    I have just lost my 'eternal love'...again.
    We used to go out 13 years ago and met again 2,5 years ago after a 'break’ of 13 years.. She instantly fell in love with me again (whilst we are both married) and came on to me real strong with words like 'you've always been my eternal love', 'I never really loved anyone like I loved you', 'for 13 years I have only searched for you' etc etc etc. We got to going out again and ofcourse then the sex started, which was amazing no surprise...
    Point is she has been raped brutally 13 years ago and also suffered from incest by her stepbrother, which was not recognized and repressed by her mother (the biological mother of the stepbrother in question). She kept saying I was the only one she could have such sex because she felt no restrictions with me, she felt uninhibited.
    One day 2 months ago I noticed weird behavior (going out to lunch with someone, acting weird about it) and confronted her with it. That's when the world collapsed. We ended up in a downward spiral that has led to so much pain and paranoia on my side that it nearly killed me. She kept holding me in the dark about this guy, not telling me things, half telling me things, releasing 'balloons', then denying them, such that I seriously started to question my reality. After pressure she admitted to seeing this guy for 6 months already. She said there was 'instant soul connection'. This guy could look into her eyes and 'understand her totally', as if they had been together for ages etc. I was devastated, I was hurting like hell. The struggles went on and on until I had to break off totally to keep some sanity in me...
    We broke up and I asked her never to contact me again, saying that i would not have my heart broken for a 3rd time by her. 1,5 months ago she DID contact me..asking me how i felt and if I needed to talk. I said no, not with her, she kept coming in with texts so I got sucked back into it. I know her so long and actually truly love her as a 36 year adult i thought she was, so I got back in.
    More to come.......

    1. I am sorry to say this but you need therapy as much as she does. One has to ask oneself why and what part of you needs all this?

    2. This is relevant;wap2

  9. Couldn't stop searching for answers about this new guy (can you believe he is actually her 12 year younger patient; she is a 1rst degree psychologist you see), she kept acting as if nothing was wrong and how much she wanted me etc. I kept confronting her she kept denying anything was wrong, you can imagine I was losing control over my own perceptions again...until it exploded again and I stopped contact again. The feelings were so charged all the time, I can;t even begin to explain how very charged it is when I'm around her. Only until 2 weeks ago when she contacted me again, asking how I felt. I said can someone feel after being injected with so many lies and being discarded for a 26 year old patient...I confronted her with the fact that i was feeling seriously manipulated, I kept holding up a mirror in front of her for her behaviour, saying that I was feeling sick to my stomach because of it but at the same time hurting like hell for loosing her. She denies doing this on purpose, saying that she doesn’t trust me etc. but there was some consciousness about some of her actions.
    I said that the rape and earlier incestual abuse might have done more serious damage to her than she lets on. She keeps saying she's over that and doesn;t wanna go through life as victim which is ofcourse very strong and good, but I think her relating to people who come close (like me) closer than anyone else because she becomes very clingy and dependent (secretly by the way, she only let me know recently that she went through hell, which I didn't know about!!) is still very very push-pull if you understand what I mean. On the other hand she appears to be a 'high-functioning' BPD because she has friends, work etc but those friends are many a times: too demanding, her work is too demanding, her husband is too inconsiderate so she rationalised her cheating, her parents are too demanding etc etc etc. I cheated too but I admit to falling in love with her, not because my wife is 'bad'. She balmed me for ‘making her sick in my mind’…
    We are now again separated, she broke it off again. She wants to 'look for herself' and not fill the void with sex and alcohol, but that is exactly what I told her not to do! She keeps saying things to me that I have told her, not the other way around. As if she is becoming what I am telling her! She has been venting about me to this other guy which really made me angry, telling him all her intimate feelings about me to someone she hardly knows!! Playing this guy because she said he was getting angry about me because I was being hard on her….
    Again I told her not to contact me. She said she'd delete my number so as not to get tempted to reach out again but I'm gonna wait and see. Last time it took two weeks, perhaps this is the final time..but it hurts like hell you know, because I didn;t want to loose her but she didn't want to quit seeing the other guy but that was just unacceptable to just hurts too much. Sorry that this became such a long message but I hope you could relay some of your ideas on this when you find the time.
    All the best to you

  10. Hey, this is a little awkward for me, I don't usually read random people's blogs, or comment on them.. but reading through your posts sort of changed me in a way because I've never been able to put down my thoughts or feelings into words as well as you do, but if I did they would almost be the same.

    I could never express the kind of relief I felt just being able to finally relate to someone on this kind of level. It seems creepy of me to say I can relate to you because we've never met, but I swear I'm not a creeper!

    Basically I just wanted to say thank you.
    ...So, thanks.

    1. ::smiles:: It's not creepy at all! One of the main reasons I started this blog was because I knew there had to be others that felt this way too and we needed a voice. So welcome!

  11. Hey. I love love love this blog. : ) I feel so much more understood and not alone than I usually have in my whole life. I'm 19 years old and am currently receiving group DBT therapy, plus individual therapy, after having (like you) having had the cops called on me and having been taken away to the ER, then a psych hospital. The first time I was ever in therapy was when I was 12--they concluded I was just "bored." Haha. As a side note, it's great to feel like it's not just me and that I'm not weird for being so interested in the subject of sex!! I've only been with one male in my life, and plan on keeping it that way. However I truly believe sex should be something that's openly discussed, and that more people should be educated on it. So, thank you for making posts about that.

  12. I've not been diagnosed with BPD, but recent life events have prompted me to do some online research. The profile fits, especially the stuff about fear of being abandoned. I don't have many friends left, and I'm afraid to interact with them because of how much I need from them.

    I've made an appointment with a counsellor, but if I am BPD, then after just a few hours of reading people's opinions about the disorder, my future of being able to fix the problem doesn't look good.

    I don't want to wear a mask. I don't know what to do. At least I'm glad I found your blog. There's a lot for me to read.
    Thank you.

  13. Hi haven, just wanted to let you know Im thinking of you. Hope your week has simply been busy rather than too grim to post. All the best wishes, strength & kind thoughts xxx

  14. Hey hey
    So I've been reading your blog since March after being diagnosed with BPD and searching the internet for anything to make me feel okay about my illness. I love reading your blogs and being able to relate, and just now decided I needed a release of some sort and decided to follow in a similar path with a blog too :)
    Hopefully it helps!
    Anyway, thanks for the inspiration to try something new and a little scary :)

  15. Hi all! I came across this website, and loved what was written for the: "beyond the manipulation: BPD". I have recently been fighting with a former best friend, someone I referred to as my sister, who I am absolutely POSITIVE has BPD.

    Before I start this story.. I want to first, humbly, declare that I am a very giving friend. I am extremely considerate, kind, generous, and I genuinely know that I am a great, great friend to have. In fact, my biggest problem is that I am TOO considerate of others. I have, especially, been a wonderful, loyal friend to the girl whom I will describe. That is why I am so conflicted, hurt, yet determined to be the maintain some empathy and find some sort of solution.

    While she told me that she has been diagnosed with BPD by over 3 therapists, she mentions is casually, and insists that no therapist is good enough or really gets her. Unfortunately, I have just NOW actually accepted that she has this disorder. Until last night, I have been taking her harsh words, arguments, and behaviors very personally...
    Over the last couple of months, her suicide threats and non stop complaints about feeling depressed, empty, alone, have worn me down. I was beginning to feel aggravated-while she complained constantly about feeling depressed, she never, ever, took initiative in helping herself. I genuinely felt as though I was her emotional garbage/punching bag.

    But I ALWAYS listened, because I understand depression, and I love her. It wasn't until recently, when she texted me suicidal thoughts and complained about feeling "alone, worthless, like there is no point to living." that I told her that, while I really loved her, I just couldn't take on the burden of helping her at that exact moment, but that I would love to see her in person in a few weeks when my crazy-busy life calmed down a bit. I was in no way trying to be insensitive...but when you have a close friend who messages you this kind of stuff on an almost daily basis, sometimes you gotta look out for yourself.

    Anyway, what I was trying to get that me trying to set up a boundary, and advise that she get REAL help, set her OFF-I have been receiving very hurtful messages non-stop since I made that point. The messages were so bad that I even spent several hours in my car, crying in between classes. She threatened to disclose very personal information of mine, and ridiculed me, my life choices, my family, everything...It was honestly one of the most horrible interactions I've had.

    While I am still angry, that someone who I've done so much for, been there for, and taken care of for so long, is treating me like dirt, I know from the bottom of my heart that she has BPD, and that she is not to blame.
    She fits the criteria EXACTLY. I used to think she was highly manipulative, but your article gave me a different perspective. Anyway, even though there is so much tension between this friend and I, and even though I have in fact answered some of her messages with honest, self-defensive comments (I am human...and when someone attacks me I naturally defend myself!)-I do want to be the bigger person.

    I want to advise her to get help. I was her only close friend left, and she just "lost" me. Even though she insists that I "should go to hell, that she's happy I'm gone", I KNOW that that is not true. Because she has literally no one, I am the only one that has stuck by her through the years, through all of her nonstop emotional volatility. I'm sorry for the rant. But I need advise from someone who might understand. My friends and family insist to "let her go", that she is "a mean person, a bad friend"-but I understand that it is a disorder, and I imagine that I made her feel very abandoned, which was the reason for her retaliation. What do you suggest?

    -Concerned Friend

  16. Hi Haven, I think my ex is borderline, and I dont think he knows it. Im a nuchurer, so it is really hard for me not to help him. When i was seeing him, i did not know about borderliners. So naturally i pushed him away a lot, and would not tell him how i felt about him... especially because i could detect the lying and thought he was strolling me along, because he did not ask me out but tried to establish a sort of "long distance" relationship, through texting etc. although we live near each other and had been on two dates, it took two months before he took action to set me again.. Also i discovered the punishment and manipulating very early on, i think it was because i told him aften the second date that i had doubts. The extreme jalouxy pushed him into finally start meeting me again. I tried to brake it off every week, only to regret and start over again. Note i was only seeing him for 4months. Also i started to notice that he sometimes where about to trigger, but instead he struggled and ended doing the right thing. Although that was rare. Also it seemed like he pulled away, anytime i got too close or if he accidentialy opened up.
    There Are a ton of other signs that tell me he is borderline....
    one night i met him in town. He was very aggressive and sad because his mom was ill. So I just held him all night and let him burn his frustration out through sex. It felt like a break through somehow. He off course pulled away for a little while, but returned very fast. Asking me if i still had doubts etc. I refused to answer. Next week he asked me to come and clean for him. Naturally i said No. I thought he was joking. Then he pulled a silent treatment and i replied by dumping him, then regret and try to explain, i thought it was due to different cultures, (he is turkish and Im danish) told him that i liked him and that if he wanted to try again i would ned his help understanding etc. Also i said i would go on a date and move on the very same night if he did not give me an answer. That was of course a lie. But I did not know he was borderliner, so thought it ok to treat him bad, cause he does not seem to care about me.... He did answer, by calling me selfish. I got mad and accused him of using his mothers illness to obtain petty from me. He turned angry and told me that we were through and that we would never get back together again.
    sine then he has not responded to any message and he has deleted me on Facebook etc. Even though i wrote a couple of angry and accusing texts i ended by sending a sweet text saying Goodbye and wishing him well. No respond. I know he is punishing me with silent treatment... He knows i hate that. But he has never ended it before. And has always writing me back aften a day og so. It has now been three days and i suspect that he has turned his attention else where. Then i started researching and discovered the borderline thing. My questions are:
    Are a borderliner able to love someone?
    And is there a chance he lovede me or does it seem more likely i was a substitute?
    Will he return back to mee?
    And should i tell him about the borderline and if so how to do it the best way? I really want to help him... But I want to help him the right way... not by lettilgængelig him abuse me.
    I Hope you or anyone can answer...

  17. My name is joy brown, am from maim USA. i want to use this opportunity to thank my great doctor who really made my life a pleasurable one today. This great man Dr OSOBA who brought my husband back to me, i had 2 lovely kids for my husband, about 3 years ago i and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me for one lady. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, until one day i met a good friend of mine that was also in a situation like me but her problem was her ex-boyfriend who she had an unwanted pregnancy for and he refused to take responsibility and dumped her. she told me that mine was a small case and that i shouldn't worry about it at all so i asked her what was the solution to my problems and she gave me this great man phone number and his email address. i was doubting if this man was the solution, so contacted this great man and he told me what to do and i deed them all, he told me to wait for just two day and that my husband will come crawling on his kneels just for forgiveness so i faithfully deed what this great man asked me to do and for sure after two days i heard a knock on the door, in a great surprise i saw him on his kneels and i was speechless, when he saw me, all he did was crying and asking me for forgiveness, from that day, all the pains and sorrows in my heart flew away,since then i and my husband and our lovely kids are happy.that's why i want to say a big thank you to Dr OSOBA. This great man made me to understand that theirs no problem on earth that has no solution so please if you know that you have this same problem or any problem that is similar, i will advise you to come straight to this great man. you can email him at:(OSOBASPELLTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM)

  18. Hi, i'm starting a new clothing label which focuses on removing mental health stigmas and raising awareness. I too have BPD and also cyclothymia so this is something I feel very passionate about.

    If you could please take 2 minutes to complete this quick survey, it would be very much appreciated.

    Thanks a lot!

  19. Hello there, Haven,
    I, too, have a website concerning mental health, although mine is not as specific as yours. For that reason, and because you've got some good, quality posts on here, I wanted to include your blog as a resource. It would link directly from my website to yours. You can check my website out here: Atoms and Empty Space,

    If it's not ok, please let me know and I'll take your link down.


  20. Just reading through your blog and this really resonates with me. Definitely helps. Thank you


Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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